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Planning a potential abroad wedding with my mum who's living with cancer

chloesian95
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Hi everyone, 

Just a quick PSA that I would rather have non judgemental comments on this as this is a very sensitive subject, I am looking for advice only.

My mum has been living with ovarian cancer since 2018 and it has come back twice since. The last time it came back, we were unfortunately told that it is almost guaranteed to come back again at some point in the future, whether that be weeks, months or years. It is an awful black cloud that is over her and us 24/7.

Last month, I got engaged to my partner of 5 years and we have always dreamed of getting married in Italy. I have dreamed about it since I started thinking about marriage and only ever envisioned myself getting married there. I have definitely never envisioned myself getting married in the UK and it is just not the kind of wedding I'd hoped for.

My Mum has basically turned round and said that she doesn't want me getting married abroad incase her cancer comes back and she is going through treatment at the time and can't travel. Although I completely understand this concern (as it's obviously a concern of mine too) she doesn't seem to be taking my feelings into consideration at all and is almost condemning herself to being sick when I get married. My Dad has also said he won't come if she's ill because it'll upset her too much.

In my opinion, I don't feel like we should live our lives with the fear of cancer ruining things. It has already ruined enough. I have come up with many ideas and ways round the situation including postponing the wedding if needs be and also getting married in a registry office beforehand to make sure she's there if, worst case scenario, she is going through treatment at the time. If we were to do that, we would make the day extra special as that is the legal part of the marriage anyway and would have our closest family there to witness and celebrate. However, I feel like whatever I say she isn't happy with. Of course if I knew she was going to be unwell for my wedding and knew that she wouldn't make it, I would definitely get married in the UK...however, we just cannot be sure. There's also the risk of her still not being well enough to come even if it was in the UK.

Has anyone else been through something similar and could give me some advice? Just such a *** situation to be in :(

Any help and advice would be extremely appreciated

Thanks so much x

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    Hiya Chloesian95.  First of all, so sorry for what you and your family are going through.   A lot of folks might disagree with what I am about to say, but in my opinion, I agree with YOU.  We can not allow cancer to dictate our lives, and if you want your dream wedding in Italy, then I say that you should go for it.  I have terminal cancer, so I am very much aware of what your Mum is going through.  As you, say, it is like a black cloud hanging over your head........BUT, this is the very reason that you should carry on doing the things that you enjoy.  Life is full of ifs and buts, but there is a danger in EVERYTHING we do.  When we cross the road, we could get hit by a car and killed, but that doesn't stop us from crossing roads does it?  I have to say that I think your Mum is being a teeny bit selfish here.  This isn't about your Mum or her illness, this is about you and your special day.  Yes, your Mum's cancer MIGHT come back whilst you are all in Italy, but it MIGHT NOT.  Is your Mum going to spend however much time she has left not doing anything just because this monstrous disease MIGHT come back?  What a total waste of life!  Anyway, that is my personal opinion. I think you should have the wedding of your dreams in Italy Good luck for the future and best wishes to you and your husband-to-be, xx

  • Hi Chloesian95

    I think that you have every right to have the wedding of your dreams.  None of us knows what is round the corner, I haven't been in the situation that you are in, but I did lose my mum to cancer 18 months ago.  In the end it happened very suddenly even though we thought she had months left.

    I think that as you are prepared to do the legal wedding here in the uk, if your mum is not able to travel, you are already prepared to make a big sacrifice for your mum to ensure that she is part of your day.

    But the rest of your plans should be down to you and your fiance, to have the wedding exactly as you want it.

    Hopefully your mum will turn out to be well enough to travel and that it will be a very special time for you all, making some fantastic memories.

    Best wishes

    Annie

  • Offline in reply to Blue-girl

    Hey  this response really made me feel emotional. I can’t thank you enough….I really needed to hear that as I was worried I myself was being selfish.

    I can’t tell you how sorry I am for what you’re going through…you seem like a beautiful person and the world is very cruel and unfair. Wishing you every bit of luck and love possible during this horrid journey

  • Offline in reply to annie123

    These replies have made my heart warm. Thank you. 

    I am so sorry to hear about your Mum. I can’t even imagine what you’ve been going through. 

    Wishing you all the best xxx

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