Hi Mog,

I am so sorry to hear that you are not happy with your tattoo. Has this girl done your other tattoos? It is so disappointing when this happens, especially when you were getting them done for such a specific reason. I have seen some disastrous tattoos turned into real beauties, when a good tattooist tries to remedy the matter - as you said - more expense.

My type of cancer is quite rare. I understand that only about 1% of breast cancer is of this type. Your image of your uninvited guest is all too real for my liking. I think that anyone who has had a cancer diagnosis lives in fear of the cancer returning. This is something that we have to learn to cope with and, it's not easy! I am so sorry to hear that you had another sleepless night. It is so totally frustrating when you know that you're tired, but just cannot get to sleep. I was the opposite last night. I got almost 6 whole hours of uninterrupted sleep. I haven't had this much sleep for over 6 years. I am usually up every hour to go to the toilet, then when I return to bed, I can't get back to sleep.

Did you manage to get some of your cards made today? I find it very difficult to do fine work like this now, as I just don't have the fine motor skills any longer. Picking up fine things is amost impossible. It must have been great to have two such close friends throughout your school years. Did you keep up with them after you left school?

As you know Mog, I am always here for you - I won't be running away, no matter how much you moan - as i said before, we all have bad days, but there are brighter ones ahead too.

Regards,

Jolamine xx

Dear Jolamine, here I am during daylight hours, a real rarity for me. I have made an appt to go back about my tattoo at 9am tomorrow, wish me luck!! My 2 friends that the tattoo is meant to be honouring weren't school friends. S, my dearest friend I met when I was 25 and she became more important to me than anyone else in my life. I met her about 18 months before my marriage broke down and she was amazing. I often think that she is the reason I got through it. When I couldn't eat and lost so much weight I almost wound up in hospital she got me eating again with home made coffee and walnut cake and masses of tlc. I met M when I was about 36 when we both belonged to the same craft club. I won't   bore you with the details but I had something pretty nasty happen when I was badly betrayed by someone who was supported by a group and she was the only one who stood by me. It's difficult to explain properly without giving too much away but after I left my home town I no longer saw so much of S although we talked on the phone all the time and she was always the first person I would turn to in a crisis. When S died I was devastated absolutely devastated. After I lost her M became my closest friend and she helped me get through that loss. Just a year after S died I lost fist my Dad and then my Mum a few months later and again M was a huge help to me. Then, just a year after that she died very suddenly. I can't even put into words how much I miss them. I know I was very lucky to have such wonderful women in my life especially as I wasn't blessed with a good family but it does make their loss especially hard to bear. 

If it isn't giving too much away can I ask whereabouts in the country you are? I am in the West Country and can't help wondering where you are, just vaguely. If you are in Scotland I can be pretty sure you are not somebody I might know!!

I have a whole new thing to worry about after watching Davina McCalls documentary last night about the menopause. As I am taking the anastrozole to kill off my oestrogen I was rather alarmed to find how important it is for brain function. I am now more convinced than ever that the brain fog I am really struggling with is not "chemo fog" as I thought it was originally but is now caused by the lack of oestrogen. It seems that taking testosterone can help. Have you heard this? I am going to ask about it when I see my oncologist but he's not very approachable so I'm not expecting much joy from him. I don't want to feel this way for the rest of my life. I am so miserable most of the time, permanently tired and tearful and the pain in my joints is getting worse and worse. I am really struggling to find any positives in my life. I do have something to look forward to - my best friend is coming from my home town to visit me for the day (isn't it strange how friends get bumped up the list when the one at the top dies? She has always been a very good friend and now she is the proud owner of the title "Best!"). I know we will have a lovely day and I will be "happy" whilst she's here but I also know that once the day is over I will crash back into depression. Did you suffer with low mood? How did you cope? I just don't think I can take another four and a half years of this.

Enough moaning for now, I had better get on and do something productive with my day. Thanks for listening, Mog, xx

Morning Jolamine. Just read your kind post. Yes I'm awake in the wee small hours once again listening to my newest, and therefore favourite playlist. I was very slow on accepting technology and have only had a smartphone for about 18 months. The best thing about it by far is my spotify account and my many playlists. Current favourite is country music with a lot of Johnny Cash, Dolly Parton and especially Don Williams. Even if you're not a country fan his song "Lay down beside me" is well worth a listen. If I was ever mad/lucky enough to marry again it would definately be my first dance song, it has beautiful lyrics.

Glad to hear that venlafaxine is helping you. As you know it violently disagreed with me when I tried it so I am back on the mirtazapine. Can't stop thinking about the documentary and the possible damage the anastrozole is doing to my brain. With my father dying of vascular dementia I am already worried about having that myself so want to do everything I can to stop that being my fate too. Deliberately damaging my brain is the last thing I want to do. I have decided that when I do the NHS predict if my gain in preventing another tumour is only one or two percent I will stop the anastrozole and take my chances. I want my life back.

I was interested to hear that you are in Scotland - what a lucky guess on my part. I have never visited Scotland but number one on my bucket list is to the 500 around the coast and I'd also love to visit the outer Hebrides. I've never flown so would tick that off my list by flying probably to Aberdeen to start my Scottish adventure. I expect it will remain a dream as I have no one to do it with and I'm not brave enough to do it by myself. Ah well, I can dream. Though not at night it seems!

Have a good day, Mog, xx

Good Morning Mog,

Have you tried any of the tried and tested waysof getting back to sleep? Some people find mindfullness helpful. My best way so far is to keep counting backwards fromm100-1 and repeating this untill I eventually fall off.

I have always enjoyed country music and am a great fan of Johnny Cash, Dolly Parton and Don Williams. I am very familiar with "lay down beside me". The lyrics really are beautiful. 

I have never visited any of the Scottish islands myself, but would love to do so one day. I was given medication for my pain which caused forgetfullness and lack of concentration. Despite stopping the medication, I still have bother in this area. This worries me too, as my father had vascular dementia, as has my mother-in-law and now my husband.

Aw well, I'm back to bed again to see if I can doze off again.

I hope that you have a good day.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hi Ive been on Anastrazole for nearly 2 years after Grade 2 DIC At first a little pain in my joints and  occasional hot flushes but all has calmed down and I find it easily manageable. I do have to take Adcal vitamin D twice a day and every 6 months I have an intravenous Bisphosphonate injection to protect my bones, this is just for 2 years so am about to have my last one.  I haven't taken Letrozole or Tamoxifen so don't have a comparison. Hope it gets easier for you

Best wishes

Silver 

Hi Silver, nice to hear from you. I switched from letrozole to anastrozole about a month ago and can't say I've noticed any improvement in my side effects. Just woken for the 2nd time tonight in a puddle so not a happy bunny. The hot flashes in the day are easier to deal with than these awful night sweats. But by far and away the worst side effect for me is the awful pain in my joints, especially my wrists and thumb joints and more recently my knees. Kneeling down is agony. You say you have been on anastrozole for 2 years but how long did it take for the flushes and joint pain to go away? Also do you suffer from "brain fog"? I put my dreadful memory and general feeling of fuzziness down to chemo fog but have recently found out that it is very likely to be the drug. This seems to be backed up by the recent Davina McCall documentary about the menopause. It seems that oestrogen protects the brain and obviously we now have little or no oestrogen. Is this a worry for you too?

Nice to have your company, have a good day, kind regards, Mog, x

Hi Jolamine. Just a note as this is my 3rd attempt to message you. My texts keep disappearing into the ether. You may get bits of them or not. Who knows? I am going to give up for now and try again another time. Good to hear from you, take care, Mog, x

Hello

I am way past the menopause although still have occasional hot flushes I assume from the drug. It's the lack of eostrogen that's causing those symptons. The menopause caused brain fog and I feel for you coping with menopause as well as cancer treatment. I must watch the Davina McCall on catch up.As to the joint pain I had a little in my wrists and woke feeling stiff but apart from that not too bad For you it's the Consultants that really can give you any advice, maybe tweaking the drug and resolve these issues

Silver x