My beautiful Grandma, who is like a mother to me, who co-raised me with my other grandparents was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer on 18th April. Originally given a few weeks, she has defied the odds and is still here, just. 

Today I arrived at the nursing home to the news that she has developed a chest infection with audible crackling through the left lung, which has the cancer in. 

She is in and out of being awake, and sometimes very confused and experiencing hallucinations. They have put her on antibiotics but they have made me aware that this might not work and even if it does it is just delaying the inevitable. 

I asked my boyfriend to come and spend some time with me this weekend which would mean not going to his friend's birthday party. He refused. I just feel so alone with it all. One minutes feeling like I want it to be over with and then the next begging for her to stay. 

I feel so messed up, not knowing what to expect from one day to the next, and completely unsupported by my partner. He has never experienced any significant grief before. I am 23 and he 24.

I don't even know why I'm writing this I just needed to vent I suppose to people that understand.