Hi Jolamine,

Thank you for the reply. Your words really mean alot to me. Everytime I think of the positives my mind goes to what happened to get there and the negatives come up. I have alot of scars on my leg and on the side of my chest. I feel really self-conscious to show my scars, even on holidays I cant wear shorts. I get scared to tell family and friends how I feel. I dont want to sound ungrateful or unappreciating because my cancer journey affected all of them. I dont want to upset anyone by reminding them what I went through and how I'm coping. I really want to be better and be positive about the future. But I'm constantly terrified that it will come back one day and that I'll have no future. 

Thank you for the kind words

Hi 

All of us on the forum welcome you to the club nobody wants to join. An ideal place to have a good talk or a rant. 

Ideally [@Chriss]‍ will pop on and have a word with you she's our resident mother superior (please don't tell her i said that), she's very good with words, alot better than me.

I'm quite a bit different to you no operation i just live with my uninvited guest was diagnosed Feb 2016, having treatment to slow or stop it for so long then treatment again. 

I've found being positive is a good help and trying to help others keeps me going a lot better. I have checks every three months and near time I'm always thinking is it spreading again then i think no its not and just carry on with life. 

I have to keep going anyway I'm looking after my disabled wife she needs 24 /7 care.

Just try to lead as normal life as possible and keep positive nomatter what i know you have battle scars but remember you won. 

Best wishes for the future. 

Billy 

Hi there ..

Bless ya, honestly, that's why they started this place for us to go to, as we have all been through cancer, who nursed someone we love with it ...

Many people think once wer classed as "cancer free" wer actually far from it ... it feels like it just sits on our shoulder waiting ... our life is never quite the same again ... we have to find a new "normal" where we learn to live with the feelings cancer gives us ...  

I have a few scars myself ... one from my ceaserian ( where son number one popped out the sun roof) .. with loads of stretch marks to boot ...and one from hysterectomy... giving me a lovely big cross on my stomach ... and lastly my total right masectomy scar where my boob used to be .. 

I could either feel ashamed of my body ... but you know, to me they all tell their own story ... and my masectomy scar tells me, I kicked cancers butt ... they took my boob but gave me back something more precious....time ... with those I loved ... so my hunny, you think of them as your journey , and it says just how hard you had to fight ... and get where you are now ... 

As for Bing scared it will come back, no one, even those fit people know if they will have tomorrow... it can take any one , any time ... so we can live every day being scared it's our last, or wake up and say "yep I'm still here" and make the most of every day ... then weather it's days, weeks, or years... we don't waste one day ... so hunny, grab each day, and know each day is a blessing .. and turn it around and make each day a memory and a smile day...   sending you a vertual hug.... Chrissie  

Hi, 

Billy was right, your very good with words. I really needed to hear those words. To be honest I've been feeling quite low for a while now and I went on here for help and support. I wasn't sure what to expect.

I made a friend during my cancer battle but sadly she passed away in 2014. She was the only person I had that could understand what it was like coping with cancer. Since she passed away I just kept my thoughts to myself and put on a happy face to my family and friends. 

I really appreciate the support I get on this forum. The kindness I have received on this forum have changed my outlook completely. 

Thank you all

Hi ...

Well you can come on here as much or as little as you need to .. some stay for a day to get something off their chests ... some come and go ... some hold those hands that need a bit of understanding and just knowing your not alone ... 

So any time your down you'll find a friend here ... jolomine was my guardian angel when I came on here three years ago .. and because of her, I try to do hand holding to ...and Billy is the sweetest chap you'll ever meet ... 

you can do this ... be proud of who you are ... and never feel your body is letting you down... it's that same body that's fraught to keep you here and safe ... l never wanted a perfect body anyway .. coz then people don't see the real us ... this way people love us for who we are ... another vertual hug ... Chrissie xx

Hi Hearmeroar,

I am glad to hear that my reply was of some small help to you.

You say that you have a lot of scars on your legs, but it sounds as if you have some on your mind too. It must be hard not to be able to wear shorts when most of your friends can, but this is a small price to pay for your life. You can still wear pretty skirts and dresses and, in cooler weather, trousers are all the vogue. I have had so many operations that I can no longer hide all my scars.

I fell through a greenhouse roof as a child and severed an artery. I still have the scar at my ankle. I then tripped and fell on a rusty nail. This time the scar is on my knee. I then lost my mum to secondary breast cancer and only weeks after that, I was rushed into hospital with Empyaemia (pustular pleurisy). This was due to a blockage in my gall bladder. I had to wait for 2 weeks on IV antibiotics, before I was fit enough to be operated on. I was told by my surgeon that it was touch and go as to whether or not they could pull me through. When I went to theatre, I stopped breathing on the operating table. I came round to find a very worried anaesthetist standing beside me.

I then had to wait a further 2 weeks for everything to heal before they could try again. This time they used fibre-optic intubation and, I now have to have this and to swallow the camera before I am anasthesised all, without coughing. This now makes any surgery more risky. They relieved me of a 3” gallstone and left me with a large scar from breast to groin.

Eleven years ago, I was diagnosed with breast cancer and had a lumpectomy. I had caught it early and it was one of the less aggressive types of cancer, so we were all very surprised when I found another lump in the other breast 6 months later. Fortunately, this was benign. However, a year after my first operation, I discovered another lump in my original breast and, had a double mastectomy.

My care team was very surprised that I had experienced a re-growth so soon after my lumpectomy. I took Tamoxifen after my first surgery, then Letrozole for 6 years after my second. I had all sorts of side-effects.

My eyesight deteriorated and I had to have Cataracts removed from both eyes. In trying to correct an astygatism at the same time, the surgeon inserted the lens 25° out and, I then had another operation to correct this. Within the next two years I lost my sight almost completely in one eye. Then it started to go in the other eye. I had to stop work and give up driving. I then had 2 further laser eye operations, which have thankfully restored my sight, so I feel very blessed to have had this happen.

I experienced terrible pain in all of my joints when I was taxing Letrozole and had to have both of my knees replaced, so I now look as if I have a permanent ladder in my tights with the scarring on and around my knees. Another two years on and my lymphoedema nurse was carrying out manual lymphatic drainage on both of my arms when she was alerted to a lesion on my back. She advised me to see a dermatologist with this. I had a biopsy, but fortunately all was clear.

A further 2 years on and I was advised to seek a second opinion for a mole on my face and one on my leg. I had excisional biopsies for these and have scarring from all of these. Despite all of these accumulated scars, I still manage to swim regularly and go to the gym. I couldn’t have reconstruction after my bilateral mastectomy because of the scarring caused by my gall bladder op and, it was deemed unwise to have any additional operations, due to the complications with anaesthetic. Until I got used to the different types of prostheses, I had some very embarrassing experiences in the pool. A Silicone prosthesis, dragged my boobs to around my waist, Polystyrene beads brought my bust up past my chin, Foam prosthesis poured pints of water out of them whenever I got out of the pool. It took me a few years to find the solution to overcome these problems.

I could let all these scars get me down and, I must confess that there were some dark days, but I now look upon these as my battle scars, which have made me who I am. I realise just how fortunate I am to have survived so far and, every day is a bonus. Don’t let scars define who you are. You’re much more than a few scars.

Once you have had a cancer diagnosis, there is always the fear of recurrence and, this is something that we all have to learn to live with. It has happened to me once, so I know that it can happen again. However, life is for living. We only get the one chance at it, so we might as well make the most of it.

You are quite right in that all of your family have come through this with you. It will still be a worry to you, cancer is always a worry. Tell them how you feel, don’t bottle it up in yourself. You can be positive about how you feel and, get support without too much sympathy. A lot depends upon how you talk about your cancer, as to how family and friends will help you to deal with this

My apologies for such a long tirade.

It would certainly help you to attend a ‘moving forward’ course. I hope that you can find one local to you. I do hope that you can eventually turn to a more positive frame of mind and can manage to get on with your life.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Glad you got a couple of ladies to reply to your string., hopefully others will join as well, some only come on now and again but think of us as a very big family all looking out for everyone else.

Remember anytime you want to talk or rant, someone will be here..

Best wishes for the future. 

Billy