Can't grieve

Hi my name's Bev and 15 months ago I lost my mom . I say mom but she was more than that she was my friend , my confident ,my everything . She was the most caring , amazing mom ever. We didn't has a family have much time to prepare for her passing. She hadn't been well for a while and trips back and forth to the doctors got not a lot of reaction. They said she was dehydrated, maybe the onset of dementia but no tests where asked for. On the 13/07/18 I told my boss I needed to go home after a call from my daughter. When I got to my moms the sight that was waiting for me was so distressing. I immediately phoned the ambulance. She was admitted to hospital. On the Saturday she was taken for a CT scan . On the Monday we were told she had pancreatic cancer and had maybe 3/6 months. But sadly for us she passed on the 22/07/18 . I immersed myself in the planning of her funeral and after that the inscription on the headstone. Anything to distract me from the truth. Even now 15 months down the line I've not really grieved. I've cried like I am now but inside I know I've not grieved the way I did when I lost my dad . Sorry if this has gone on but I think I needed to write it out xxx

  • Hi there ..

    So sorry you lost your mum, esp like that .. 

    I felt when I lost my mum suddenly and the Dr came in to say there was nothing they could do .. me and my sister were there waiting to see her .. I felt a huge scream deep inside me ... l knew I'd scare those around me so held it in ... there it stayed for years ... till one day, it overwhelmed me, and I drove to a spot where no one would be, and let it out .. I'd held it in for bout 10 years .. 

    So really there's no time limit on grief .. no right or wrong way .. we grieve differently for every one we love ... so you will with your mum and dad .. they are different people .. different emotions .. 

    So what I've learned since my diagnosis... tell yourself, it's o.k .. whatever you feel .. it's o.k .. if you need to have a bad or sad day .. go with it .. get it out .. if you feel like smiling , then smile .. if you allow yourself anything .. you'll slowly get there ..

    I believe they look over us .. and yea she was my best buddy .. but I've remembered how kind and caring she was, and how she loved to see us all laughing .. so in her honour, I've tried to do the same .. and know that's what she'd want us to do .. my best buddy , has now been gone 30 years next week .. we just tucked her up in our hearts and brought her along with us ... 

    So be kind to yourself .. your doing o.k .. it's not those that cry the loudest that hurt the most ... it's those who's heart is silently breaking ...  you do learn to carry on .. but we never stop missing them ...

    Sending you a vertual hug... Chrissie xx