Losing both my parents to cancer

Hello Everyone, 

I'm not sure how to start this since I've never done anything like this before but I'll give it my best shot. I was hoping writing what I felt anonymously to people that have probably been through something similar would help me feel a little better, just knowing that I might not be alone.

I lost my dad and then my mum within 3 years from my mid-20s onwards. They both died from cancer and I was their main carer for both of them at their last stages. My dad passed away first - which was a complete shock considering the abuse he did to his body, we all thought he was invincible. Shortly after my mum was diagnosed with cancer and within a couple of months, she too passed away. I've always been extremely close to mum, so that one hit the hardest. I miss her every single minute of every day and I can't seem to find anything to help me feel less depressed than I do now.

Her diagnosis came as a huge shock because the Hospital failed to pick up on it at the time and now I learnt that there's been a mistake in her case and there will be an investigation. Anyway, I really don't want to get into that. All I know now is that she's gone and she's never coming back. I feel so angry at the Hospital, doctors, nurses etc. I'm in such a state of shock that I question whether this is my life whenever I wake up. What also makes it difficult is knowing how amazing she was, everyone who met her, loved her. All her friends and family had nothing but nice things to say about her, she would always put others before her and welcomed any stranger with open arms into our home. I've often been told that good people tend to die ahead of their time but I think I'm just told that to help me feel better. 

Throughout the time I had with my mum - from her diagnosis to her passing - seemed like such a blur. There were so many issues and difficulties we went through as a family that got in the way of cherishing the time we had left together. My family and I never really not any closure from both our parents passing and it just seems like we're all lost at this moment in time. Since she passed, we've had nothing but bad things happen, one after another. I feel like we can't seem to catch a break or either that we're cursed. 

Sorry to end on such a downer, I guess that's how I'm feeling right now, to say the least. I can't help wondering now whether me or one of my siblings will get cancer at some stage since both my parents had it? I'm really trying to stay positive but I'm struggling so much. I just hope something turns right our way and soon.

Parents
  • Hello JasmineWhite; welcome to the forum.  I am sorry that you are having such a rough time.  I had been looking up  information from this website about inherited faulty genes for another poster.  I think - and bear in mind I am no expert on this - that it is quite a complex mattter and is low on the list of causes of cancer.  I believe that having had both parents die from cancer is - on its own - well within the heading of bad luck.  I don't mean to sound flippant and you are obviously worrying about lots of things and I just don't want you to start worrying about this also.  If I can be flippant again - it may or may not be the case that good people tend to die ahead of their time but more likely that awful people just seem to live too long!    Have you ever considered having grief counselling?  Cruse Bereavement Support is a well-established charity in grief counselling.  Their Freefone Helpline is 0808 808 1677 and it is open Monday to Friday from 9.30am-5pm; also on Tuesdays, Wedmesdays and Thursdays the phone line is open until 8pm.  It might help you.  Please do keep in touch with this forum and others may have advice from their own lives.  Best wishes.  Annie

Reply
  • Hello JasmineWhite; welcome to the forum.  I am sorry that you are having such a rough time.  I had been looking up  information from this website about inherited faulty genes for another poster.  I think - and bear in mind I am no expert on this - that it is quite a complex mattter and is low on the list of causes of cancer.  I believe that having had both parents die from cancer is - on its own - well within the heading of bad luck.  I don't mean to sound flippant and you are obviously worrying about lots of things and I just don't want you to start worrying about this also.  If I can be flippant again - it may or may not be the case that good people tend to die ahead of their time but more likely that awful people just seem to live too long!    Have you ever considered having grief counselling?  Cruse Bereavement Support is a well-established charity in grief counselling.  Their Freefone Helpline is 0808 808 1677 and it is open Monday to Friday from 9.30am-5pm; also on Tuesdays, Wedmesdays and Thursdays the phone line is open until 8pm.  It might help you.  Please do keep in touch with this forum and others may have advice from their own lives.  Best wishes.  Annie

Children
  • Hi Annieliz,

    First of all, I really appreciate your response. I didn’t think anyone would reply to my post but I’m blown away by yours. 

    I also did some research on one of many sleepless nights I have and sometimes I wish I didn’t. It is true, there is some confusing research on inherited faulty genes so I try not to read too much into it.

    When I visited my GP, she did say there is more of a likelihood of cancer being a part of my family. When I first heard that, it made me want to live life to the fullest (as cliche as it sounds). But as you may know it is harder to put into action - most of the time I just want to curl up in bed and stare at the ceiling. 

    My GP also told me about counselling in my local area which I have signed up to. They told me there is a very long waiting list so I guess I might just take you up on your advice in the meantime. 

    Most of the time I worry about the state of the NHS, if this could so easily happen to my mum, maybe it could happen again and again where people wouldn’t even know if it’s happened to them.

    Anyway, thank you for taking the time to inform me of this source of help.

    JW

     

     

     

  • I am glad to have been of some help.  I know it is human nature to find yourself trying to make a link between such worrying events; sadly cancer is not uncommon - many of us have relations that have been through this but  if you have seen the website entry on  this subject here you will understand as much as I do!    I hope your GP did not make such a bald statement without clarifying exactly what the likelihood really is - that would be irresponsible and I can imagine it worried you.  Cruse Bereavement Counselling does seem to vary from area to area and I believe that like so many charities they are struggling with their finances - so do hang on in there.  I can imagine that it is hard to accept what happened to your mum; but please try not to dwell on it so much; your mum may have had the same outcome even if her diagnosis was made earlier.  I have often thought how mistakes can happen in all fields of work especially when long hours are being worked; I know I have made errors over the years and it used to worry me that medical staff could also be fallible - but there was not much I could do about it except hope for the best.    Even though my parents both died some time ago I still "talk" to them which is harmless and bothers no-one.  I have articles from their home which I took with me (bits and pieces including their wedding photo) which keeps them very alive in my mind.  Don't be afraid to talk to your mum if you find it helpful.  You will find your way through this.  Annie