i never expected to be posting on a cancer support forum, but I’m here and feeling very weird!

Back in 2012 my wife (now 60, I’m 56) was diagnosed with breast cancer and we went through the trauma of treatment, full mastectomy and lymph clearance, she had pre-surgery Chemotherapy and post surgery radiotherapy. She has struggled with living with the mastectomy as I don’t think they did a very good job with the surgery so her scarring has always caused her discomfort. At the time, we had very little support from Macmillan, the breast care nurse assigned to her was appalling and despite asking for emotional support we never really received any.

For the past 6 years or so we have done everything to get on with life. My wife took early retirement during her cancer treatment as her company (a big U.K. financial institution) were not being particularly helpful and she had been put under threat of redundancy anyway. We have no children as we were career people and it just didn’t happen!

Roll forward to late September 2018 and my wife picked up a cold or infection of some sort and had an annoying and persistent cough so I nagged her to go to her GP which she eventually did. The GP, thinking she would put my wife’s mind at rest sent her for a chest X-ray and this is where it all started to go horribly wrong for us again. The GP phoned her (on the morning of her 60th Birthday or all days) to ask her to come in for an urgent appointment.

The GP said there were some small ‘spots’ showing on one of her lungs and referred her for a fast track CT scan which happened 2 weeks ago. We had a follow up meeting with a chest consultant who was very nice but somewhat vague as the ct report hadn’t been completed and cross-referred us back to the breast care team as he believed it was likely to be metastatic disease.

Yesterday, we had a meeting with the consultant from that team who confirmed it was likely to be cancer and that whilst there were small areas in the lung, it was her liver which had what appeared to be large areas of decease apparent. The next stage is a meeting with the oncology consultant and also to have a liver biopsy. Other than this cough, which is slowly clearing up, she has no apparent symptoms, no pain, nothing to indicate there is a problem.

So that is the history. What that doesn’t say is how absolutely devastated we are. I don’t really have any words to express what I’m feeling inside just now. I know I need to be strong for her but I’m typing this with tears rolling down my face. We’ve been together for 30 years, many of my old friends have drifted away, usually when they have had kids ... suppose we were seen as being a bit odd not having any. I don’t have any family now, parents passed away, no brothers or sisters. It was just us against the world. Now I have the dreadful prospect of my lifetime friend, companion and lover being ripped away from me.

I’m not really sure what to do or how to help other than just being there, but me being upset doesn’t help her at all. Feeling just so useless.