Oh Chriss, your story really touched me, what a lot you have been through. You must be such a strong person. I know exactly what you mean, I tell my sister when we talk on the phone, that as terrible as we feel there are people who would give everything to have this time we have now. You must shake your head when you read a story like mine! 

I would absolutely follow your advice - but my mum is not the emotional, or talking type. Mum refuses any meaningful talk, wont discuss her medical situation (i have all my info from her consultant, with mums permission) or her care. She got stuck in the bath last night and had to be lifted out because she refuses to compromise. She didn't want to know how long she had (understandable) and I carry that knowledge myself like a sack of rocks. 

Please don't think she is a hard or cold woman. She is lovely, the kind of mum all your friends at school are jealous of, coming round because she is so 'mumsy'. But she has always expressed her love by doing things for us, never with words. Now she cant do things, and we may never have the kind of conversations that might do her good and I know would do us good. I respect her ways and wishes and would never force it. I guess the only way I can show my love is by 'doing' too. I'll play it by ear, take my lead from her I guess? I hope I can do it.

Oh bless her ... that's what this journey is all about ... giving the person (mum) her right to control her own journey ... I would be the same as her ... live for the day ... and even if she's not an open and cuddly lady, you just being there, holding her hand and most of all letting her lead the way .. Will mean so much to her ... I can picture her from what you say ...

She sounds amazing .. and it's not weak to not want to know, otherwise it starts a ticking clock in our heads ... and the one thing I've learned on here is some go way beond the time given and some go much quicker ... and when I read your letter, all I saw was a loving daughter... and I wrote that because sometimes we miss out on last days/ weeks / months by morning even before they pass .. and I don't want any one missing even one day ...

Any time you need a chat, I'm here most days ... so you take care ... Chrissie x

Thank you for giving me someone to write this to - it does help to get it out and writing a journal or something just seems like shouting into the wind doesn't it?! If you can go through so much and still be out here helping others, after all that, then it gives me real hope. I just spoke to my mum and she sounded better than the last call, she had 4 litres of ascitic fluid drained from her abdomen today, I really hope it gives her some relief. Now she is going to bed and we have said goodnight, I'm going to have a glass of red wine and im sure that will give *me* some relief! 

PS you are absolutely right - I am.missing her so much already that I might miss being *with* her now, if you know what I mean. That's good advice, thank you! x

Your welcome ... any time you would like a chat, I'll get back to you sometime in the day ...or evening .. so glad it's helped ... sometimes just talking can make things seem less scary ... 

So take care ... Chrissie x