Hi there ...and welcome ...

Your story is nearly identical to mine ... the mother of two sons .. a mum who l lost when she was 69, and my best friend and most wonderfull nanny they could have wished for  ... and l had two siblings ... 

The only difference is l talked to my mum one monday morning about her comming to mine the next day ..  then she said "bye love ... see you tomorrow "   there was no tomorrow, at 5.20 that afternoon she had a massive heart attack. . No one more time for I love you, mum ... never to hold her hand ... or say thank you for being my mum ... I was only in my 30s how could I go on without her....

You have that chance I never had ... to say all those things your heart needs to say ... leave nothing unsaid .. grab every day you have ...talk about her childhood.. she may need to say things to you, which maybe hard to hear ... but will help you later... and don't be afraid to admit your both scared ... and share a few tears together ... that's what I'd do, if I had just one more day... even one hour ...

Now that was nearly 30 years ago .. and she now lives safely in my heart .. and my head replays all the good memories ... my son's still put photos of them with their nan on their face book page, even though they are grown ... we brought her along on our journey of life ... we still talk about her, and they tell their children of this wonderfull lady we were blessed to have had in our lives ...  now I'm on my cancer journey,  and I've felt her by my side ... I've felt her strength and her love ... and I know she's just waiting for me one day to be with her again ..

No your deffinatly not a complainer... and no way a coward ... the only coward is this cancer your mum has ... it wants to rob you of those last memories you can still make ... it wants you to give in ... it wants you to crumble ... those feelings your having is the price we pay for having a wonderfull mum ... please stop feeling guilty ... hold her hand and help her walk this last journey with her ... memories are pictures the heart takes ... it won't be easy, it will probly be the hardest thing you've ever done ... but you can do this ... sending you a big hug ... Chrissie 

Oh Chriss, your story really touched me, what a lot you have been through. You must be such a strong person. I know exactly what you mean, I tell my sister when we talk on the phone, that as terrible as we feel there are people who would give everything to have this time we have now. You must shake your head when you read a story like mine! 

I would absolutely follow your advice - but my mum is not the emotional, or talking type. Mum refuses any meaningful talk, wont discuss her medical situation (i have all my info from her consultant, with mums permission) or her care. She got stuck in the bath last night and had to be lifted out because she refuses to compromise. She didn't want to know how long she had (understandable) and I carry that knowledge myself like a sack of rocks. 

Please don't think she is a hard or cold woman. She is lovely, the kind of mum all your friends at school are jealous of, coming round because she is so 'mumsy'. But she has always expressed her love by doing things for us, never with words. Now she cant do things, and we may never have the kind of conversations that might do her good and I know would do us good. I respect her ways and wishes and would never force it. I guess the only way I can show my love is by 'doing' too. I'll play it by ear, take my lead from her I guess? I hope I can do it.

Oh bless her ... that's what this journey is all about ... giving the person (mum) her right to control her own journey ... I would be the same as her ... live for the day ... and even if she's not an open and cuddly lady, you just being there, holding her hand and most of all letting her lead the way .. Will mean so much to her ... I can picture her from what you say ...

She sounds amazing .. and it's not weak to not want to know, otherwise it starts a ticking clock in our heads ... and the one thing I've learned on here is some go way beond the time given and some go much quicker ... and when I read your letter, all I saw was a loving daughter... and I wrote that because sometimes we miss out on last days/ weeks / months by morning even before they pass .. and I don't want any one missing even one day ...

Any time you need a chat, I'm here most days ... so you take care ... Chrissie x

Thank you for giving me someone to write this to - it does help to get it out and writing a journal or something just seems like shouting into the wind doesn't it?! If you can go through so much and still be out here helping others, after all that, then it gives me real hope. I just spoke to my mum and she sounded better than the last call, she had 4 litres of ascitic fluid drained from her abdomen today, I really hope it gives her some relief. Now she is going to bed and we have said goodnight, I'm going to have a glass of red wine and im sure that will give *me* some relief! 

PS you are absolutely right - I am.missing her so much already that I might miss being *with* her now, if you know what I mean. That's good advice, thank you! x

Your welcome ... any time you would like a chat, I'll get back to you sometime in the day ...or evening .. so glad it's helped ... sometimes just talking can make things seem less scary ... 

So take care ... Chrissie x