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Sister is refusing medical intervention

foyland
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Hi,

 

ive just joined the forum, I'm not sure where to post or if it's right to post, 

my sister was diagnosed with breast cancer aged 40 in 2013. She had a mastectomy and reconstruction using the muscles from her back. ( This operation and the aftermath does appear to of caused some trauma which is playing a part in her current decisions.) She declined chemo therapy and tamoxifen and instead attempted a change in her diet to stop the cancer coming back. 1 year later she found a a lump in the mastectomy scar. She had this confirmed as being cancerous and though offered a removal of the lump she declined stating she wanted to try alternative therapies to try and shrink the tumour.

she told me and her husband that she just wanted 6 weeks to try but after she returned for check up and they said lump was denser she never returned for scans or anything. She kept giving us new deadline dates and still does.

we had many debates about it but ultimately she had capacity to make her own decisions and I could see that she put her whole into sticking to these diets. 

All carried on as normal and I could almost forget that she had cancer until she came off her bike awkwardly in June 2017 and hurt her pelvis, she refused to go to docs and over the summer went from limping to using one crutch then 2 then ending up in a wheel chair. 

She has pretty much been in wheel chair since sept. Every now and again she looks like she might improve but actually she appears worse then ever. Always a different pain, in her back, hip, pelvis.

unfortunately if I talk to her about it she is really defensive and we end up arguing.

im scared her cancer has spread, she says it's just torn muscles she is struggling to heal.

she has lost all muscle tone in 1 leg, she is very thin ( but her diets are quite restricting).

im not sure what to do but I've asked her husband and my mum to join together with me to try and ask her to seek help. I know she's in pain, she's very irritable.

obviously this is a very shortened version of a very long and complex story. I just wondered if anyone had been through something similar or had any advice on how I could encourage her to accept some medical help.

i do believe fear and anxiety are a major part of her decisions though I'm not sure she would agree with me .

she has 2 young daughters, 6 and 8

 

thanks

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    Hi there and welcome to our little chat room... yes your deffinatly in the right place as everyone who has or caring for someone who is effected by this cruel journey we find our self on ...

    It must be heartbraking in your situation, as it sounds like she's given up and I've been on both sides and l think it's far harder watching someone go through it ... 

    I'm no expert or even qualified but from my perspective l knew l had a cancer lump for 2 years and just wanted whatever fate had in store for me ... when the lump was starting to come to the surface of my chest l knew it was getting near to coming through ... l got chest infection and knew the chest x ray would show the cancer, which it did, and I could ignore it no more ... 

    On it being confirmed l was gonna just leave it, but the Dr said once it comes through the skin it would be unbearable and hard to mask... so my niece said to me it's a no brainer and she was right ... so l had a total mastectomy on right side ... it didn't go half bad and I'm so glad l did ... now l can't have radio therapy as my skin doesn't heal ... so went down the path of natural foods etc ... but I have gone on to take tamoxifen and had no I'll effects ... and mine was a grade 3 her 2 

    It is ultimately your sisters choice but I wouldn't be here answering you if I'd done nothing .. and I've had many amazing memory days since ... l would av thought her two little ones would give her the courage to go on and try but maybe have a heart to heart chat, and try and find out what scares her ... 

    I don't know if this is helpfull but hopefully you'll get others on here who can offer advice for you ... but sending you a big hug ... Chrissie

  • Offline

    Hi Foyland,

    Welcome to the forum. I wish I could give you some sound advice, but I'm just another cancer patient.

    It seems like your sister has invested so much hope into this alternative therapy that even when she is obviously deteriorating she is unable to admit to herself that it was misguided. 

    There is no scientific evidence that any of these dietary therapies is effective. Even the people who advocate these diets usually claim that they help prevent cancer, rather than cure it. Driving sensibly helps prevent accidents but once a car is damaged driving sensibly won't cure it, however hard you try. 

    I hope you somehow manage to persuade her to see a doctor, if only for the sake of her children.

    Best wishes

    Dave

  • Offline in reply to Chriss

    Thankyou Chrissie for replying.

    it sounds like you've had a scary journey and made some difficult decisions but that were worth it.

    My sister says to me when she first had her diagnosis she was so scared she couldn't think properly or focus on her babies but after some counselling something changed in her and she didn't have that anxiety anymore but when she thinks of going to the dr now she is scared that the fear will come back, and though she is not suicidal she says that that feeling made her not care if she died and she does not want to return there.

    i want her to find out what's going on as then she can make some proper informed choices but she is so determined not to. Unfortunately it's taking its toll on her marriage and her quality of life.

    thanks for your positivity, Im definitely going to keep trying to help her X

  • Offline in reply to davek

    Hi Dave thankyou for replying.I think your so right about how much she has invested into the alternative route and that she now is struggling to make that you turn.

    She has spent months searching the internet for info and diets on curing cancer naturally but won't even ask what a medic might suggest, it's so frustrating. I don't understand why a combination of both cannot be tried.

    when I've asked her about the kids in the past and won't she just do it for them she says she is doing this for them, she says someone needs to Try and find a cure that doesn't involve surgery and chemo. Unfortunately there is a strong history with both mother and mother in law having had breast cancer ( and survived ) and uncle passing away from breast cancer. So is concerned the girls will have a high chance of getting breast cancer.

    Many thanks

    Maggie

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    Hi hope all well!

    my partner of 14 years has refused breast ca treatment since June 2017, she had mastectomy and axillary clearance in nov 2018, refusing chemo since, we have 3 kids 10, 8 and 6, very stressful, we separated in Jan 2019 due to our irreconcilable differences due to her choices, 3% of women under 65 refuse cancer treatment, she looks unwell, thin, grey complexion, I have been a General and mental health nurse for 25 years which makes it even harder! how is your sister now?

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