How did you get on at the doctors on Thursday Comicshake?

When i was going through my very dark period at the turn of the year I had to write down some short, medium and long term goals as i was becoming so overwhelmed with the situation.

Short term- for you that would be to start talking to your daughter again, that's a must. And to delicately start talking about your current health situation. Not so it pushes her away again, but it will help both of you to talk it through.

Don't be too worried if she doesn't respond how you want. At 22 she will still be naive to lifes dangers.

I suppose you then need to put all your energies into your treatment and staying well. 

Do something positive everyday which secures the present and looks to take care of the future.

When do you go in for treatment? Are you having an operation ? 

One day at a time x

Annie, Mary, are you there?

I've had a tremendous wobble this evening, and shed tears for the first time since mid January. For some reason I started having morbid thoughts about mum being on her death bed and the sort of things we would be saying. Choked me up.

Have said it quite a few times above, the genie is out of the bottle now. Cancer has robbed me of that naivety we have around death. I should be greatful. There's pages of poor people on here in utter turmoil. We are in remission (I hope) but I crossed a line in my mind and I can't go back now. Maybe I will feel like this till the day comes. 

It's 3 weeks I have been away, maybe it's taken it's toll. Going back next week for Easter. 

One day at a time I suppose.

Hi danadona

sorry I didn’t see your reply until now. How are you feeling and how is your mum?

my daughter actually moved in with her step brother a week or so ago. He’s suffering mental health issues and she’s decided to give her support to him. I have seen hera lot for coffees and do her washing so we are talking but she doesn’t talk about my issues. I think it just doesn’t seem to hit home with her at all which is understandable at 22. I have also just been to have a colposcopy ( cervical investigation) and had some abnormal cells removed. This was just yesterday. I know have to wait for biobsey results so feeling like *** actually. I told her about it but she didn’t seem too interested. I guess she won’t support me in anyway but that’s ok. I accept this but I need her to understand what is happening so god forbid if things go *** up she doesn’t think I wSnt involving her. I am really quite great full to her looking after my stepson. If she hadn’t mu husband would of had to move n with him and I would have lost my one and only support altogether. This is a strange time for all of us and life as it was seems to have disappeared. Stepson can’t be left alone just now and his girlfriend broke up with him. He has taken priority now as is in a delicate state but he’ll so am I!  My other daughter stays a good distance away with her boyfriend. If she was here it would be wonderful. I miss her so much right now but she has college and work and an awkward boyfriend. My son doesn’t mention the C word. I’m feeling a bit alone. Thank god for my husband but it’s a lot for him to take. I have my op on the 17th next month then the radiotherapy. I honestly don’t know how this willl pan out. I wish my youngest was just mature enough to say hey I’ll look after you b6 feeding the animals making a meal etc. But it’s all going to be on my husband. Everyone is too busy with their own lives. My son has a child and a stressy wife. Oh heck I’m sounding awafully negative I know. It’s just reality hitting me in the face. I hope you are well and feeling a little more cheered than your last post. Xxxx. 

Daniel, so sorry I missed this post when you made it; I try to keep up with certain people but I find the  system for flagging up posts a bit difficult to follow.  It does not surprise me that you have had a bad reaction when you let your defences down.  I  imagine you are now back in England and with your mum which I hope will reassure you.  But it is probably the case that when your mum got the all clear you were on a bit of a high and - in my experience anyway - a low often follows.  Try to keep some sort of balance.  Don't throw away what you have now!  You have just had a lesson in life's uncertainty - and that applies to all of us.  I am only able to say these things because I have so many highs and lows myself which has taught me to make the most of  what you have instead of worrying about what might be.  Thus endeth the lecture.  Glad that Cyprus is going well.  It is sad how we have to lose our naivety as we grow up.  Keep in touch and I will remember to keep a lookout for you.  Annie

Hi Annie

Thanks for the response. Yeah I can definitely relate to the highs and lows. I feel like I'm looking at life through a new prism. Hopefully that will turn out to be a good thing.

I've generally been up the last week or so since that post. I suppose being back and seeing everyone helped that, then again, it seems to only take something slight to set me off on a low. I suppose that is how it will be. I'm under new management. Desparately trying to forget the past and live in the present, as well as not being overwhelmed by fear about the future.

What will be will be I suppose. My next stint away is 9th-27th. Can't wait to get back out and have a bit more sunshine. As it's only 2 and a bit weeks and I know what to expect now it's not really that scary.

One day at a time x

Hey, one day at a time. Absolutely. And you're safe at the mo. Enjoy it Daniel. It's good :)

Best wishes, and much love xxx

Mare

Thanks Mare.

I'm back in Cyprus now. Mum went for a scan yesterday and they didn't do a biopsy as they said they didn't feel it was necessary. That these two lymph nodes that have swollen are not anything to worry about. What can we do but take them at their word? Problem is they had my grandad walking around with asbestos cancer for years without diagnosing so I'm never quite happy with anything the medics say.

Consultant is on 28th, which coincides with me being back which is good. I'm not sure much will be said on the day that hasn't already. She's got her latest oncology appointment tomorrow, fingers crossed everything there is as it should be.

I'm starting to feel a bit more pragmatic about the future, but remembering to take it one day at a time. Mum seems well and as time goes on I get a bit more optimistic that the future isn't something to be feared. That she could be around for a long time yet, and I just have to keep doing the things I said I was going to at the start of the year. Like working on the short/medium/long term goals.

I still get dreadfully depressed at times and I do still have this tremendous sense of loss about the past. But I'm not a completely old dog yet so new tricks can still be learnt. Today's been ok. What more can I ask for.

One day at a time x

Hi all,

Hope you are all keeping well? And still following this thread.

Mum was told on 28th that the lump in the neck still isn't anything. They are happy to see in 6months. Her first mammogram was also ok.

I myself got told no significant changes to my heart condition yesterday. So generally a good bill of health in the household. I have started to feel a bit better the more time goes on and have moved away from the most morbid thoughts. I have moved on sadly to stressing over every day issues i.e. relationships.

Work is going well. Last stint out to Cyprus from Monday for 1 month. Then I will embark on a few months in America! Michigan! I feel relaxed in regards to mum being on her own. As she says herself we can't sit around waiting for something to go wrong. We have to live our lives and it's a great opportunity. It's not nice her being on her own but I can't change that. Plus there's an argument to say I will need to be close by in the future, so may as well nip in now to do such things.

So yeah things are better than they were. My depression is still a problem but the genie is a bit further back in the bottle since last time.

Take care

One day at a time

D.x

Hello.  Pleased to hear that all is going well.    You can't live in fear of something that might happen; you are right not to put your life on hold especially when it seems to be opening up for you.  Relationships, well they can be problematic, I imagine most  people find that out but hopefully things smooth them selves out over time and you find yourself going in the right direction.  What are you going to be doing in Michigan?  Sounds great.  Annie