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Why is it affecting me so much more this time?

danadona
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Hi first time poster here,

My mum was diagnosed with breast cancer in Feb last year. She had the operation in March and then radiotherapy. She's been on medication since. She got the all clear around April/May. Apart from the operation day I was really positive throughout, just thinking it would be fine and almost laughing it off. When she got the all clear I just thought this was a lucky escape and a wake up call to live our lives to the full. I was fully aware it can come back but didn't really think about it as the doctors said it was only in the one place and nothing had spread to the lymph nodes. 

Last week she found a lump in her neck and shes waiting to go for a scan. I have gone to pieces since. Crying everyday ( I never cry) I can't sleep, I lie in bed with all sorts of horrible thoughts. I had my first ever panic attack which was horrible, I used to dismiss people who had them but now I know what they are like. Why am I feeling like this when at this stage the new lump could be nothing? Why have I jumped straight to the doomsday scenario? I've even started rehearsing what I'm going to say at Mum's funeral. Why am I not positive like last time and saying we are going to fight this and win?

Im scared that it's some kind of parent/child intuition where I sub consciously know something is wrong and that it's the road to the worst case scenario. My thoughts are sending me stir crazy. The tiredness because I can't shut my eyes without seeing mum. My mind going back over my life even to when I was little.

As I say I'm struggling to cope. 

Any responses most welcome 

Daniel

  • Offline in reply to Annieliz

    Big development. I thought it strange mum hadnt heard from the original hospital as the gp was writing to them as well. I got her to phone them. They said existing patients should be seen sooner than the 2 weeks and we are going 10am tomorrow!!!!

    I presume it will be an ultrasound perhaps. Either way there' little time to think. It's tomorrow. Everything crossed. I will pray tonight and in the morning. Someone send me some luck from somewhere please. 

  • Offline in reply to danadona

    Yep. On it!

    Sending you and your mum all the good luck I can muster! I have everything crossed for good news.

    Excellent that it is quick :)

    Best wishes to you both!

    xxx

  • Offline in reply to danadona

    Yes, add my good wishes, crossed everythings and heaps of hopes.  I realise you will have lots of things on your mind tomorrow so we won't mind if you don't have the time to drop us a line.  But we would like to know how things went when you get a moment.  The agonising wait is drawing to an end.  I hope you sleep well tonight.

  • Offline in reply to Annieliz
    Well the early news appears to be good. Her surgeon from last year did an ultrasound and said that yes there is a cluster of mass in the neck lymph node but couldn't see whether there was anything sinister. She then had an x ray with another doctor, who is a breast not a neck specialist. He also said he couldn't see anything sinister. They've said to go ahead with the main scan on Tues to get a neck specialist radiograohers view. So it feels like we are 2/3s of the way to learning it's a false alarm. Although the sudden weight loss is worrying and is going to be monitored. She was let down by the gp practice, it's unclear if they actually marked for the scan to be urgent and the cancer hospital never received any letter. It's only that mum rang did she get seen the next day. In terms of how I'm feeling. I would have thought elated and jubilant, but doesn't feel like we are out of the woods yet. I just feel numb really. Tired. A tad embarrassed and guilty that there are others on here in much worse positions. I think it didn't help that I was in a bad place anyway when we got the scare. Also having had Christmas and New Year, and it being 1st week of January, it couldn't have come at a more depressing time. It should feel like a weight lifted but it's more like a narrow escape. I keep getting feelings of what happens next time. I think you hit the nail on the head AnnieLiz. I was presented with the idea of my mother's mortality and it freaked me out. I looked into my future and I didn't like what I saw. I have to use this as a final wake up call I think. Roll on Tuesday. I go into it confident but not cocky. We go again. Thanks for the amazing help. You steered me through a dark dark hour.
  • Offline in reply to danadona

    So pleased for you both at the news so far! And you have as much right as anyone to be worried and upset at the thought of your beloved mum hurting. That is totally understandable and no need whatsoever to feel embarassed or guilty. But it's great to hear some good news, and I shall keep my fingers crossed, and pray, that you'll both come through this in good health :)

  • Offline in reply to danadona

    How kind of you to come and tell us so promptly.  Well, well, this is a good start.  Even though on balance the news is positive you still cannot help yourself being a bit negative.  You cannot help yourself, you are probably exhausted with emotion. It has all been too much!  Don't feel embarrassed or guilty; I cannot believe anybody else would wish you to feel embarrassed or guilty.  People on similar journeys generally have nothing but goodwill for fellow sufferers.

    So now it is on to Tuesday.  Manageable chunks again.  Don't go any further than that yet.  Just keep up the good work.  And keep yer pecker up!

  • Offline in reply to danadona

    Just to say we are still thinking of you.  You don't have to reply now - unless you want to - but I hope you will tell us how thing go on Tuesday.

  • Offline in reply to Annieliz

    Well Tuesday also gave a result of no action. Which is great isn't it?

    Why am I not jumping for joy then? Why am I thinking that inevitably we will be in this position in a few months time?

    I've been having morbid thoughts again this week, like it being inevitable that everyone ends up getting cancer and dies. I'm thinking is this all we have to look forward to in life. 

    I should be greatful, others on here are going through a lot lot worse. This makes me feel even more depressed. I'm in a bit of a downward spiral at the moment. Regretting the past, fearing the future and desperately trying to live each day in the present, but not really seeing anything much changing on a day to day basis.

     

  • Offline in reply to danadona

    Hi there.  So pleased to (a) hear from you again, and (b) hear the good news about your mum.   Sorry that you are having what I suppose we can call a downer.  But - and I am no psychologist or anything remotely similar - this may be  the downside of all the emotions, hope and fears that you have been through in the last weeks.  You have been on a rough roller-coaster ride and may just need time to recover. 

    Trying to throw something positive into the mix: not so long ago you were worrying yourself sick about your mum's health.  You thought that you had wasted time and not done things to help her.  Well, you got through that, things turned out well.  You did wonderfully and did your Mum proud.  She must be so happy about this.  Now give yourself a bit of a break to recover - even good news can be exhausting when you have been through so much.  So gently, gently, be kind to youself.  You are even having doubts about what has been achieved and are - with no real justification - assuming the worst will happen again in a few months. It is true that none of us know what is going to happen - something could happen to any one of us at any time but we make things hard for ourselves if we live our lives on the basis that something terrible is going to happen any time now.  It just makes it more important to live life to the full now.

    I don't have answers to life's problems (I wish!) but I would say if giving yourself (and your mum!) a bit of TLC does not help you and you are for instance having difficulty sleeping and as you say constantly feeling morbid thoughts there is help more professional than anything I can provide.  You could chat to MacMillan Cancer Support (Freefone 0808 808 0000) who will understand your fears for your mum, or your GP if for instance you are having trouble sleeping.  But I do hope you get through this and start to move forward with the things that you want to do.

  • Offline in reply to Annieliz

    I think cancer has this way of putting everything in perspective. I know there are lots of things that I need to change in my life, having been faced with the harsh realities of my future, but these things are not going to happen overnight.

    On a day to day basis not much is going to change and that is frustrating me. I still have to get up, go to work and do all the day to day things. There's no pause button in life. 

    I think I did do well during this period, but I'm now left in the aftermath of having lots of questions and none of the answers. I've had the fright of my life. I should just take comfort in that it wasn't what I thought it was going to be, sadly it's opened up a can of worms, which the lid won't go back on. 

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