Hi Daniel. Isn't Annieliz great! She sounds so wise and I think her advice is excellent!

Hopefully your mum will in fact turn out to be fine after the scan, and I shall cross everything I have that that will be the case. You sound like you love her very much, and, I am convinced she will know that already (we mums just do). So I should imagine there's absolutely no need to beat yourself up about anything.

 I have terminal breast cancer myself. And I have three grown up kids (two sons and a daughter). They're all in their twenties now but the turmoil they went through at the start of my fight with "terminal" cancer nearly seven years ago was astonishing. But I insisted they all complete their education, and they have pursued their carreers away from me with my full support. It makes me very proud that they have continued to live their lives to the full despite everything...

I like to live with some hope in my life that I just might not die! It was too easy after diagnosis, in the panic, to jump straight to the worst case scenario. I spent so much time worrying about what was going to happen that I forgot to live each day to the full. Now I focus on keeping myself in the best possible health to fight my disease and....I'm not dead yet!

So, take a deep breath. Pace yourself. Enjoy each day as it comes, and you never know things might just turn out well. (And in all of my imaginings I never once imagined a scenario correctly so I don't bother any more as it just causes me distress).

I'm here if you want to chat to someone who has been given the worst case scenario, I know what it's like, but even bad news doesn't necessarily mean that's the end. I check the email most days but my phone is too old so I have to be at a computer. 

Oh...and by the way...my son never used to tell me he loved me....but of course I knew he did. And now, so many years after my diagnosis, he tells me often. And my grown up daughter has started to call me "mummy". I wonder if they had similar feelings to you? Your mum knows you love her anyway, and that's what matters. And she will probably be stronger than you imagine as she's been through so much in her life so don't fret too much. You can only do what you can do. You do not have to be superman! I wonder if you can think of some stuff that will make you both laugh? Laughter really can be the best medicine! 

Waffling now, sorry... Take care of yourself cos you will want to be strong for your mum.

Mare is too kind.  Any advice I can give usually comes as a result of things I have learned the hard way myself until they finally reached my brain for future use.  It is these good people who have experience of cancer who have been teaching me so much since I came onto this site and I am a firm believer in sharing experiences and helping each other out. 

I don't think the odd drink whilst socialising will do any harm; don't cut yourself off from your own pleasures - they will help you relax.

Hey, she definitely will have noticed the x after the texts. Just like I would. And you are so very young yet; too young to panic about life and choices and speeding up those life events I think! In this day and age the fact that you have any job at all is pretty good isn't it?! 

And I don't feel I'm being too kind to Annieliz either cos she always seems to say the right thing.

There are always lessons to be learnt each day. But your emotions seem perfectly reasonable and normal to me my friend. That doesn't help I know but you are in good company. 

My family were never "lovey dovey" either. People couldn't believe we never hugged or anything. But that doesn't mean to say we didn't understand each other, and our love was just as strong and it doesn't matter that we're not demonstrative. 

I've stopped googling stuff now as it never gives me any proper conclusions, only more anxiety. But I do make sure I ask lots of questions at appointments. And I'll let you into a little secret if I may? - One of the most useful questions I have asked so far has been "Are you sure?". I have used it in such a variety of ways, and to test the diagnoses, and to test whether I was getting every possible treatment. Might be useful to keep that one up your sleeve for the future?

And yes, thunderbolts can happen, and often do, but we none of us actually know our future do we? Yes I have made it 7 years relatively in tact and I thank my lucky stars and my fabulous medical team, and a healthier lifestyle that I have adopted. And hope. I find it sad that our natural instinct seems to click straight to the death scenario, and does not recognise that, as in my case, there might be some time between diagnosis with terminal cancer and death. "I'm not dead yet" has become a bit of a mantra for me now.

I do not believe you will ever be on your own either. Just as you cannot see the future. It feels to me like your panic is upsetting you so much! When my husband of 22 years left me for another woman at my lowest point after chemo, when I was so ill, I also thought I would die alone. But one amazing thing about life is that it throws up surprises when we least expect them doesn't it? And sometimes they're good ones. I have been seeing someone who loves me for me even with terminal cancer and he's stuck with me for three years now! How amazing is that?! So I am sure things will happen in their own time for you. And in the meantime you can chill, relax with time on your side.

Hope can be a huge benefit to us when we use it to our advantage. One professor told me "It's not terminal till you're dead"...so I took his words, and ran with them. And so far so good.

I'm glad my words helped a little. And perhaps a ray of hope will help you through the challenges of the coming days. Please try to be kind to yourself as you are important too. When I'm on my own I find it most helpful to try to be my own best friend. When I'm struggling I ask myself "what advice would I give to my best friend?" and I tell myself the answer. It works. Might be worth trying? 

Hope the rest of your weekend goes well. Take care. 

Mare

So this is my first time away from the house since Friday. I am away for a couple days with work. I keep telling myself it's only 2 days but it seems to be multiplied by 1000% when I'm away.

I know there's nothing I can do. Scan is a week today now. I veer from being positive reading some of the other threads on here, to being negative when I hear of other people's family members diagnosis . 

Either way it's draining. I think the time of year is not helping. The weather, the cold.

I'm in that space of wanting to know as quickly as possible but also not wanting to know at all, as I'm scared what I might here. 

Keep telling myself it was type 2 before. It could even be nothing this time. Any article about lymph nodes and it's not positive makes me jittery. 

Hi, it's me again.  I have enjoyed reading the correspondence between you and Mare; everyone has different experiences and ideas which we can think about.    If we on this forum have helped you then you are doing us proud.  I think mums totally understand that though they might have had their own ideas about how we would like to see our children progress through life it makes nil difference to their love for you and we realise that we cannot live their lives for them.  And we eventually realise that what they want should rightly take priority over any ideas which we might have had.   If you want to make changes then do it for yourself.  You are right not to put things off because none of us know what is coming in our direction.   Your mum is probably bursting with love and pride that you are taking so much time out to walk through this difficult time with her.  I bet it is difficult counting the days until 23 January but if you can maintain some semblance of normality with her you will have done something great.

I know I am rambling a bit but I wanted you to know I am still with you and like Mare will continue to chat with you - if you so wish - through the coming days (with everything crossed for you). 

Thanks Annie and thanks Mare. Yes I will continue to reach out in the coming days, as I feel I will need it.

I tried to go to the local cathedral tonight to pray but it was closed. So I prayed back in my room. I know you're not supposed to just pray because you want something or need something.  But I just need to take any sort of help I can get. 

I seem to be in a better position to chase those dark thoughts away when they try and enter my head, than i was last week. I hope it's not resignation. If it's about fight I will do that with every ounce of my being and then some. 

Let's hope for a good sleep.

It isn't long to wait now and, I agree with Annieliz that your mum will just be busting with pride that you're with her.

You and your mum may find it so much easier once you have answers and a plan for treatment if necessary. And, modern treatments can be so blinking effective nowadays! So I would say it is definitely worth keeping as much hope as you can, embracing the medical advice offered, and getting some good sleep :)

And here's crossing fingers that it's all ok anyway x

Hi again.  I  am not going to comment on your going to the cathedral to pray as everyone has their own take on this and we ll do what we think will help us!  I would only say that if your prayers are answered then you should perhaps say a thank you as well! 

Keep remembering "manageable chunks".  If you can keep your mum occupied and happy - as it is clear that you are - you are doing a great job.  Pardon my saying it, but you have blossomed over the last few days and are doing everything right in the current circumstances.  By taking care of yourself as well as your mum you are maintaining some semblance of normality; never forget how well you are coping in this horrible waiting period.