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Jeff-lostinnorthyorkshire
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Hi, I am new to the forum and did wonder whether to join and post ot not. Not too sure what I am looking for but I guess writing my feelings and thoughts down may help in some way.

Me and my two daughters lost my wife/their mummy on Thursday 22nd December. She was diagnosed with breast cancer which had spread to her bones in Feb 2015. She responded well to the treatments and drugs and people who knew said that if they didn't know they wouldn't guess. 

Recently she started becoming breathless and tired. Turned out to be fluid round her lungs and heart again so she was admitted to hospital to have them drained. Whilst the operation went well her lungs didn't operate as expected when she was in the recovery room. So they kept her sedated and on a machine to try and get her lungs inflating propoerly. End story is that the cancer had taken over and surrounded her lungs so they couldn't inflate and it had also started attacking her liver. 

They gave us two options which were take her home with the machines and wait for her to pass or turn the machines off in the hospital whilst she was sedated, in no pain and peaceful. Either way there isn't a right or wrong one but we went with the in hospital option. 

I am at a complete loss as to what to do/expect/and a whole load of other things whizzing round my head.

My eyes stings from the tears, my palms are bruised from clenching my fists, the skin round my eyes is sore from wiping the tears away. We did everything together so everywhere me and the girls go reminds me of her. I don't want to tell the neighbours that we speak to as i feel it will put a downer on their xmas. I don't really have any friends so can't really talk to anyone. Sounds sad but I travel a lot with work and we have moved around quite a bit since I left the RAF in 2000. We have family but again at this time of year they are busy getting ready for their xmas.

There is a poem in the bereavement pack we were given from the hospital and I would like to add it here. It may have been done already so apologies but it sums it up to a tee:

Don't tell me that you understand

Don't tell me that you know

Don't tell me that I will survive

How I will surely grow

Don't come at me with answers

That can only come from me

Don't tell me how my grief will pass

That i will soon be free

Accept me for my ups and downs

I need someone to share

Just hold my hand and let me cry

To show me that you care

 

Thanks Jeff

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    Jeff I am so sorry to hear your terrible news. It must be such a shock especially so close to Christmas. I am not going to say I understand as I don't but my thoughts are that you should tell people. It is a credit to you that you don't want to put a downer on anyone elses Christmas but your family and neighbours would probably want to support you and be there for you especially now. If you really feel you can't do that maybe you could speak to the Samaritans or a bereavement line. I just feel it is so important for you to vocalise your feelings.

    You and your daughters are in my thoughts and I hope you find the strength to slowly move forward in your devastating situation. You have come to the right place and will get a lot of support from the kind folk on this forum.

    Nicky xx

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    Thanks for the replies. Really appreciate it. We are just getting ready for Xmas day. Presents under the tree and chatting about doing Xmas lunch. I can't imagine I will enjoy the day too much but I'll wait and see. 

    Thanks again

  • Offline in reply to Jeff-lostinnorthyorkshire
    So sorry to read your post. Good luck over Christmas. It's about your daughters. But yes, you must talk to someone. I believe it's almost always harder for men to talk. My thoughts with you x
  • Offline in reply to Balibee

    Thanks. Had another cry earlier as I found the Xmas card my wife had got for me. She always chose cards for the words and it's very touching. 

    Not sure how long the "cry at anything" stage will last but it is truly horrible. It's got to the point where if someone knocks on the door or the phone rings as soon as I answer it will set me off. Have got some friends coming round on boxing Day so that should help. 

  • Offline

    Dear Jeff

    i am truly sorry to hear your terrible news, I can't say or do anything to ease your pain but I can tell you this is a place you can come to whenever you need to cry, scream, vent without judgement.  There is no right or wrong way to grieve your lovely wife's passing.  Hold tight to your children your wife is within them. I'm thinking of you x

  • Offline

    Hi Jeff, I'm sorry to see why you're are here but glad you found us. We can be here for you to share, we will also care.  What a truly heartbreaking time for you and your family. How old are your girls? Let all of your tears out, it's how some of us cope and shows you're human. I could never manage that stiff upper lip as much as I've tried and it's good to show those emotions. I'll be thinking of you all tomorrow. xxx

  • Offline in reply to Michelle1978

    Thanks again. Yes I think I will be here quite often both venting my thoughts and also trying to help others. My wife was 47 and our girls are 17 and 18. I have said to them we should try and have some laughter today. We need to understand it's OK to be happy. Let's see how today goes but hope all on here have a good one.

  • Offline in reply to Jeff-lostinnorthyorkshire

    Laughter is so important. And it's so vital to remember not to feel guilty about it. 

    Crying at anything? I wouldn't expect that to pass too quickly.. but embrace it. You have your daughters and they have you.

    Lots of love and luck xxx

  • Offline

    Dear Jeff, I am so sorry for you and your girls, we are all here to hold your hand and let you cry.  

    I think you did the right thing letting your dear wife go while she was still asleep and peaceful, I hope I shall be as fortunate when my time comes.  

    Thinking of you all, love Hazel xxx

     

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