Hi Shreddie

I know there are no words that can take away the devastation you are feeling at the loss of your husband as your grief is truly raw. (Lost my own hubby Jan 2015 and your post bought tears to my eyes). You say that you found out just three days before he died that he had chosen to die and this must have been such a shock for you and I wonder who gave you this information as your poor husband had virtually lost his ability to speak.

  What I will say is that my hubby lived with a terminal diagnosis for nearly three years and one of the main reasons I turned to this forum was because he did not wish to talk to me about his illness in any way if at all possible.  We had been married 37 years but together for longer and I was hurt and frustrated in equal measure when he turned away from me and chose to cope within himself. I wanted to help comfort him but the only way I could do this was to let him guide me. Unless he gave his doctor permission to talk to me then conversations were protected by patient/doctor confidentiality. It was only in his final weeks that he allowed his GP to talk with me (though I was allowed into his hospital appointments). Our menfolk want to protect us in life and my hubby felt he could do no more and when the illness took hold it was heartbreaking. He could speak right till the last but his words were purely that he was so so tired and I could do nothing other than to say he had my love and respect and could sleep peacefully.  The moment was fleeting and it is rare that I share it now. 

In the early days/weeks or even months, grief takes many turns but in your own heart you will remember the good memories and in time they will out do those of the harrowing last days and the shock  you are feeling at the suddenness of it all. I think there is one thing you should  be sure of and that is your husband would in no way wanted to have caused you hurt and it was the cancer that took him along the road he chose. All our journies are personal and my husband chose to have a DNR (do not resuscitate) note attached to his medical notes as he apparently said this meant he could die with dignity.  I understand your sadness and hope sharing on the forum will help in some small way. Take care and be kind to yourself. Jules  

Thank you for your kind words and understanding.  I realise it is early days but I cannot see past it at the moment.  I dont know how he told the nurses and Doctors but I accept that he did as he had also requested not to be resusitated quite early in his illness.  I dont really want to put him out of my mind I just want to remember some of the good times, I will try and be patient but I still feel angry and hurt that he made this decision without me.  The nurse who was by his bed at visiting times told me, I really dont know how or if she communicated with him at this time.  Oh I give up, the more I think about it the more upset I get. 

Dear Shreddie, I am so sorry for your heartbreak.  Have you thought that maybe what the nurse was alluding to was not what he had said in the last few days, but that he had chosen not to be resuscitated some time before, which you did know about?  

Sending my love and hugs,  Hazel x

Hi Shreddie

Bless you dear, getting upset at most things to do with having your husband taken away from you is, sadly, part of the grieving process that a lot of people here will understand. It may well be that your husband thought he had spoken with you more than he had as my husband sometimes accused me of not listening when actually he had not told me in the first place.  It is not easy to get through these days but in time I am sure you will use the good memories ( I bet there are plenty to recall in due time) to replace  the sad and hurtful ones. Patience is not something I am known for in myself so feel for you and do come and chat anytime as one thing about this forum is there is such understanding.  Take care and sending hugs.  Jules