God bless you I am sure everyone on here will be touched by your comments. It must be hard for you.

I have only just been diagnosed, but I worry so much about your situation happening to my wife if the worst should happen.

I know that I would not want her to feel guilty and to remember all the good times we had together.

Take care of yourself and stay strong

Hi there Highlander, welcome to the forum, but of course, none of us would choose to be here for the reason that we are. Some of us on here either have cancer ourselves, or caring for someone with it, or, like you, have lost a loved one to cancer. So, you can see that you're in good company here because anyone facing these challenges know what its' like. Losing someone to cancer, such as you have recently, leaves one with a very mixed up response. A big part of you wanted to keep your husband here with you, but not if it meant he would continue to suffer. When he died, your relief over the end to that suffering made you feel guilty because now he's gone out of your life. Its' crazy-making for sure. There are people on here who have lost a spouse/partner and I'm sure someone will respond very soon, but I just wanted you to know that we do read the posts and provide support as soon as we can.

Your life now is very different. You have to carve out a new way of living it without your husband in it. Having said that, it is very early on in your grief and you really need to take some time to look after yourself as you go through this process. It won't happen overnight for sure, so take all the time you need. I hope you have family and friends to support you through this time, but you will find people on here will give you support as well. Writing down your feelings will help you get through it too, so don't hesitate to come on here anytime and tell us how you are.

Sending you hugs.

Lorraine

My dad was diagnosed with kidney cancer around the same  time as your husband. He was also very fit and healthy. I am watching my mom go through what you went/are going through. They are also very close.

but i think what your feeling is normal. I find myself not wanting  my dad to suffer anymore too. He would want you to be happy and healthy.

continue to be strong. women like you and my mother amaze me with you strength!

Thank you for your kind words and suggestions.  I have good days and bad days,i remember the good times we had together and it really helps.  Family and friends have been so supportive.

Research is getting better and better and the support from doctors, nurses etc is amazing.

Thanks again.XXXX