God bless you I am sure everyone on here will be touched by your comments. It must be hard for you.

I have only just been diagnosed, but I worry so much about your situation happening to my wife if the worst should happen.

I know that I would not want her to feel guilty and to remember all the good times we had together.

Take care of yourself and stay strong

Hi there Highlander, welcome to the forum, but of course, none of us would choose to be here for the reason that we are. Some of us on here either have cancer ourselves, or caring for someone with it, or, like you, have lost a loved one to cancer. So, you can see that you're in good company here because anyone facing these challenges know what its' like. Losing someone to cancer, such as you have recently, leaves one with a very mixed up response. A big part of you wanted to keep your husband here with you, but not if it meant he would continue to suffer. When he died, your relief over the end to that suffering made you feel guilty because now he's gone out of your life. Its' crazy-making for sure. There are people on here who have lost a spouse/partner and I'm sure someone will respond very soon, but I just wanted you to know that we do read the posts and provide support as soon as we can.

Your life now is very different. You have to carve out a new way of living it without your husband in it. Having said that, it is very early on in your grief and you really need to take some time to look after yourself as you go through this process. It won't happen overnight for sure, so take all the time you need. I hope you have family and friends to support you through this time, but you will find people on here will give you support as well. Writing down your feelings will help you get through it too, so don't hesitate to come on here anytime and tell us how you are.

Sending you hugs.

Lorraine

My dad was diagnosed with kidney cancer around the same  time as your husband. He was also very fit and healthy. I am watching my mom go through what you went/are going through. They are also very close.

but i think what your feeling is normal. I find myself not wanting  my dad to suffer anymore too. He would want you to be happy and healthy.

continue to be strong. women like you and my mother amaze me with you strength!

Thank you for your kind words and suggestions.  I have good days and bad days,i remember the good times we had together and it really helps.  Family and friends have been so supportive.

Research is getting better and better and the support from doctors, nurses etc is amazing.

Thanks again.XXXX

Hi

Have just read your post and can feel your heartache. I think, having lost my husband in January (though with a longer (3yr) journey with terminal cancer), all your feelings will be pefectly normal.  There are so many emotions through go through my head at different times and I am now trying to 'manage' them day to day as I felt it all getting a bit too much to handle.  You have in addition had to cope with the sudden shock of diagnosis and your husband's passing away it must all be very raw.

I hope you have support around you but this forum is a great place to offload to those with understanding.Do not be hard on yourself. You will have done everything you could for your husband and will carry him in  your heart always.  Its very early days in your grieving process and I don't suppose it will be much consolotation just now but yes, I too felt that twinge of guilt that I found some reflief in knowing that my husband no longer had to suffer and thought myself very selfish for having these feelings. Nearly 5 months on I am still taking things slowly and not expecting much of myself but my emotions have calmed and I am drawing on the good memories I have to move my life forward. Sending a virtual hug.Jules54.