My heart is broken my husband passed away 9 days ago and I am lost. He was my only friend, my best pal,
my only boyfriend, the love of my life. In total we were together for 50 years, he was 69 and I am 67 I try to tell myself how lucky we were to be together so long however it doesn't help it is so painfull.
He started with bowel cancer, had two operations, it moved on to his liver, he had another operation and eventually it spread to his lungs. He was in and out of hospital and I allowed him to stay at home ill for about two weeks before I called the doctor as he said he didn't want to go into hospital again. I called the palliative nurse and the district nurse as I didn't know what to do. He was also diabetic and when he went to hospital they couldn't get his blood to thicken. Eventually he had a minor seizure and the palliative doctor thought he would have a further seizure or a stroke which would put him in a worse position so I agreed to allow them to give the morphine driver to end his suffering. I was with him throughout his illness and for his final three days I sat with him and refused to go home. Our three grown up children were absolutely fantastic at the end and throughout his illness but now I'm full of guilt. Did I allow them to kill him could he have had more time with us at home. We all miss him so much and although I have my children and four grandchildren I think I'm in shock I am hurting I don't think I am grieving enough. I went to the supermarket yesterday and broke my heart because I couldn't get him the things he liked including his wine. I apologise for rambling on its late at night and this has helped me a wee bit
So many people will say " I know how you feel " - but they don't. It is such a personal thing that you are going through. Please please though use this site for support. At some stage we will all go though this journey, whether as cancer victims ourselves like me or family etc so there are loads of people to call upon.
Hi Margaret, just wondering how Christmas went for you and Hogmany already here. Much planned.? New Years here already in Oz. Spent it with pets, traumatised by firework, them not me
Xx
How are you? I'm sure it has been a difficult time for you over the hols but I hope you are OK. Thinking of you and wishing you all the best for 2015. Hope x
Hello, I also have the same guilt feeling since my husband passed away on the 20th October - 4 weeks ago. 6 weeks ago he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and after 3 weeks on a general ward he was for the last week of his life, transferred to a palliative care unit. All he wanted was to be free of the terrible pain in his tummy area, so the nurses filled him with pain relief in a driver and was increased as and when needed. For the last few days of his life he was in an almost permanent sleep. I am constantly in torment thinking that if I had took him home, he may have had more time with me and we could have controlled his pain better. It seemed that as soon as we took him to hospital the pain became more unbearable. I can't seem to accept that the cancer developed that quick and maybe at home I could have had him with me longer.( Not giving massive amounts of morphine etc., ) it is so hard loosing someone you love and so quickly I feel so sad now and I do hope I can come out of this terrible time at the other end.
My husband died in May this year - my 2nd husband - I was married for 25 years 1st time, with 3 children - my eldest son was killed in a road accident at aged 22 - my dad died 12 weeks later, my husband left 9 months later - I sold the house, had to go to work full-time, met my future husband 3 months later. I moved into a house my brother bought,then bought a house of my own - a 'box' - not a home, on my own - then moved in with Steve, sold my house - got married again - moved again - 10 years later oesophageal cancer diagnosed - operated - 'gone' - 18 months later lunger cancer - treatment... all good - 3 months then back... big time, then one on brain... what an awful illness, and so cruel... really thought all would be ok but it wasn't. What a horrendous journey I'm on - and you must be too - I can't help you as I'm still struggling - but I'm really with you xx Keep in touch
