Hi Kathy I was pretty bad yesterday but doing a bit better today. My son has just tidied garden for winter Grandson felt tipped house yesterday when I was upset but my son managed to get rid of it. We are going to pick lair and headstone for Alex I want to do it soon but can't face it yet. You are right it's the nights that are worst. I hope you are still getting a little comfort from going to work I hope you wine was nicely chilled . Kind regards Margaret

Hi Max I hope you are keeping well. As I'm new to this forum not too sure how it works however I can't believe the nice words of support I have had from yourself, Kathy, Dave and Hope. I found the site by accident as I was researching online into my husband Alex's death and if I had made the right choices. My family and I listened to what the palliative doctor said and agreed to what she suggested. It was only after three days at his side watching him die that we started to question. It's still not clear in my head what happened. Anyway thank you and everyone for all the nice messages and please take care of yourself . Kind regards . Margaret

Hi Dave I read on another site that you were a whiskey drinker. Alex left about three quarters of a bottle Of Chivas Regal, this would have broken his heart, we gave it to my brother. He liked his Laphraig, MacAllan etc, don't know how to spell them. He also liked his wine at dinner even that upset me because I can't buy him anymore. It was always easy for the family at Xmas they usually picked him a whiskey he had not tried however it was getting more difficult as he had the lot at one time or another. Once again many thanks for your kind thoughts and words . Take care . Margaret

Hi Margaret, Glad you are feeling a wee bit better today, ww a bit concerned you hadn't posted for a while. You must get so much pleasure from the grandson, they are so sweet and innocent , unless they are felt tipping the house. In our day it was chalk and we did it outside. You are only a few years older than me, do you remember playing beds? And what about elastics? Rang mum a few minutes ago as she was out gallivanting yesterday. God love her she didn't make it to the phone in time, but she called me back. Think it's a coincidence but my hubby was called Sandy which as you would know is a version of Alexander... I think. You will know when you are ready to pick up your mans headstone one day at a time... Thinking of you Kathy xx

Hi Dave, I must say you really know how to communicate so well, I have read your posts on others threads and am gob smacked. You get your supportive message across with true feelings. What a gentleman you are. Kathy

Hi Kathy Got Alex's undertakers bill today. That was me off again. I was in the supermarket with my daughter and I can't believe that I won't be buying him anything ever again but had to stay strong for her. Keep telling the family that Xmas is only one day they have got to make it nice for the wee ones although that's not really how I feel. Do you have family and friends that will get you through it? As you know Hogmanay is a big celebration here but I'll just be going to my bed. It's our anniversary next month and they say that the first year is the worst because it's the first time our dear husbands have not been here. I'm older than you but I still remember playing beds, Perie,playing two balls against some poor neighbours wall, kick the can etc. I hope you are feeling a wee bit better and will please keep in touch, it's nice to know that other people care and know what we are going through. it's two weeks today since my Alex passed away and I still don't believe it. Sorry I'm all over the place and rambling on Regards, Margaret

Hi Margaret, Yes, going to the shops and not picking up their favourite foods is very hard and I agree hits you every time. I now miss the aisles with cake, sweets and desserts. After so many years of getting treats for him now I don't need to. I still get mail for him but that will drop off as various govt depts and energy suppliers get advised. I remember a bank rang when he was still able to sit outside offering him life/ funeral cover with the usual patter- no medical needed etc... I gently explained to them we wouldn't meet the criteria. They say the first of everything is difficult, birthday, Xmas etc. I had my birthday end of Oct without him and yes Xmas and Hogmanay will be the next 2 wobbly events. I will head to the kids place a few days before Xmas to avoid all the maniacs who are on the road closer to xmas and return before Hogmanay as want to be here with the pets. Fireworks get set off at NYE. Parties and don't want the pets scared. A friend will house sit for me most kindly he went to primary and secondary school with hubby so knew him for 50 years so the house etc will be safe. He will also house sit for a few weekends in December to allow me to spend the time with the kids, they live 80km away I asked him to be honest if I am imposing but he says no he can do it. He has been doing house sitting for a few years and guess it saves him on his own electricity and water when he does it. I was out the back yesterday and asked hubby how he thought the garden was going. I get reassurance from believing he is looking down on me, watching over me saying "good on ya girl, you've worked out how to do that job". I remember bout 2 weeks after diagnosis when he was now on walker asking him to tell me how to use the garden pump and he looked at me and said " I can't remember". By the time he was diagnosed the lung cancer had mets to other organs including the brain and we had been given 3 months. But Gee Margaret we packed a lot of precious time spent together in that period, having friends and family visit etc. going out was not an option as was too painful and too tiring for him. It was such an honour to be able to look after him. My family are in Scotland but son, daughter in law and 2 grandkids here and they love me to bits. I am so very fortunate. I have good friends I have made also and they continue to be of great support. They are only a phone call away, but I don't bother them as don't want to appear needy and think I am managing as well as can be expected, so doing ok overall I agree with you Xmas is so special for the littlies. I have found this forum of such great benefit, what lovely people visit here, and so good to know we are not alone. Take care honey Kathy xx

Dave I'm now concerned about you, are you ok Margaret

Hi Kathy Another bad day, I'm taking anti depressants they don't seem to work, it's as iff it's just getting in my brain. Won't see Alex again, it hurts Margaret