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My Dad is dying

R_L
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Hi everyone,

I don't really know what I hope to achieve by posting this, I'm just at a bit of a loss.

In the last week my Dad has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Although it hasn't spread the doctors have said that it is inoperable and, having been asked the direct question, have said that this will kill him. There is also the possibility that there are secondaries on his lungs but these are currently too small to be identified so the results of his lung CT are said to be 'inconclusive'.

I'm really struggling to come to terms with this news. I'm in my early twenties and my youngest brother is just 16. Up until last week my Dad was in good health, this really has come out of nowhere.

I am terrified about what is to come. I can't bear the thought of my Dad in pain and deteriorating. I love him too much to let myself think about it for too long. He is also not coping with the news and is emotionally and psychologically all over the place. I know this is understandable but imagining what he's going through is making me feel so much worse. I'm not sleeping and haven't eaten a proper meal since I heard the news - I just feel constantly sick. I've been to the doctors but only been prescribed something for the short term (three days worth). I am a mess and just don't know what to do or think.

I am also becoming increasing frustrated with my friends who have said things like, 'you're strong/brave' etc. I don't want to be told that I'll be alright and that I'm strong enough to get through this. I want it acknowledged that I'm not strong, that I'm not OK and that I'm really, really struggling. It almost seems as though it's the easy way out for friends to say these things, because it makes it easier for them to imagine I'm OK. Does that make sense?

I don't know who to turn to for support. I don't feel I can burden my mum by showing her how much I'm struggling. She has to look after my siblings and my Dad, and obviously this is huge news for her (she is also in remission from breast cancer, so has lots of additional worries). Like I said, I don't feel supported by my friends - I feel completely alone and just don't know what to do. I can't imagine how I or we as a family are going to cope. It's heartbreaking and terrifying.

  • Offline in reply to Parky49

    Hi, I am so sorry for your loss & heartache. I am currently going through the same thing with my dad. Almost an identical story. I cannot remember a time in my life when I have been more sad or anxious. Irealise that this post was written in 2014 & you may no longer be visiting this forum - but if you are, please would you be able to share what evetually led to your dad's passing. My dad has just been admitted to hospital having had a major bleed from the lungs. It was so so scary for him and for us at the time. I don't want to lose him but similarly, I can't stand the thought of his continuing physical and mental suffering. X

     

     

     

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    hi I'm new to this group but need to let off some steam.... So I found out my dad had colon cancer a month ago ... And now the staging process has shown it is stage 3 but has spread to his pancreas, lungs and liver and it is terminal , I'm only 20 with my 1 year old and feel so selfish bevause I don't want to live without my dad and my son to grow up without a grandad , the doctors have given him 6 months to live without surgery to remove the colon tumour but the other rumours are far to aggressive and nothing can be done. Can someone please just to tell it gets easier
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    Hi R_L, 

    I'm really sorry to hear about your dad. I'm Georgia and I'm 20, and my sister is 16. In March of this year, my dad got diagnosed with bowel cancer, and he passed away in May. It was a short 9 week battle, and it was heartbreaking to see my dad go through it. I just thought I'd comment to say I know how you feel and I'm here if you ever need anyone to speak to. 

    You just have to stick together as a family - try and keep your dad as comfortable as possible. You have to all support eachother, you will all have up days and down days, but please don't try and keep these feelings locked away! Your family is there to support you as much as you are there to support them.

    In terms of friendships, it's difficult. Unless they have been through the same thing, it can be very hard for them to find something to say. Just know that they are there if you need someone to talk to, they can't give answers but I'm sure they can offer support. 

    Georgia x 

  • Offline in reply to sophiexx

    Hi Sophie, I lost my mum to cancer at Christmas, and we're going to lose my dad this year to stomach cancer. I have learnt that it is important for you to tell them that you love them. Apologise now for anything you regret, and ask then about anything which troubles you. Frankly, it does get easier. The medical care steps in to help out the suffering and allow you the time to say goodbye. The grief is natural and soon it becomes normal to cry and talk about it at the dame time. That passes. 

    Just make sure you make your peace with them in good time, and you will come out of it stronger, and sometimes enjoying life even more,  when you know you are living for their memory. 

     

    Good luck! 

  • Offline in reply to Strax1967

    Hi everyone ,

     

    just had had the news that my dad can't be operated on , he has sinus cancer melanoma and they can't operate so he has to try radiation but he will most likely go blind from it and they have advised it may not work , he is my best friend and I can't cope :( nobody seems to understand ? My boyfriend is trying but he's irritating me keeps saying he will be fine and I'm strong and I really want to just scream :( I'm doing everything for my dad as there is only me which I don't mind I'll do whatever he needs but it's really hard running my own home and working full time as well as watching my dad slowly die :( Iv always been really close to my dad and he's always been fit as a fiddle this is a massive shock I'm not ready for him to leave me yet. 

    sorry for the long post just needed to let some steam off X 

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    Hi there. My Dad also has advanced cancer. I'm also in my twenties and my brother is also 16 so your post has struck a chord with me. We got the news a week and a half ago and the initial shock of it was unbearable so I can understand the pain you are in. At first I was a total mess and couldn't function. Although I still feel like there's a dark cloud following me around, my crying has now reduced to one or two short bursts a day and I am coping by spending as much time with my Dad as possible and trying to keep things light and cheer him up. When I cry, I really cry, I let it all out so that I can then move on with my day. Make sure you're letting it out or it'll bottle up and you won't be able to move forward. I've ordered a scrap book to fill with memories of my Dad with his family, both from the past and from now on. I think this will be a comfort later on. Could you give yourself a project, to help you feel like you are doing something to help? Sometimes life throws terrible things at us, but we have to keep living and make the most of what we have got. Right now, we have got a bit more time with our dads so let's try to enjoy it as much as we can... and when the time comes to say goodbye, we will remember how lucky we were to have had our amazing dads and we will live the life they wanted for us. Your Dad will live on through you, just like mine will live on through me and time will heal us as pain turns to memory. You are not alone. A x
  • Offline in reply to freddiejunior

    So sorry to hear this. My dad has also just been diagnosed with stage 4 oesophagal cancer and it's a really tough thing to go through. My Dad hasn't shown anger towards me but he has been quite short with my Mum on days when he is struggling. I think it's important to remember that they are not their usual selves right now and we have to forgive and forget as much as possible.

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    Hi . My dad got diagnosed pancreatic jan 2016  .. hes been through 11 strong chemos ... its localised but inoperable same as your father... keep your heart  and always just give a prayer like you i keep it to myself my mum had operations me n my sis n bruv keepin family business running for mum n dad its so hard.... dads liver blocked tomo hes having stents . Bag for life. Offered nano knives but no can do til he ok... jesus dont u wish u could take it for them? Ive got 5 kids mine n half mine but im here for all.... i find it tough working mum daughter but u find your strength within... ive had wash my strong dad head to toe and u find it.... he made u that way x 

  • Offline in reply to AH

    The anger is their loss.. my dad was the man all of a sudden they need care help... even to wash write things down and most of all to make them laugh... my dad is director of our family business i make him laugh run it wash him but joke along the way to make him feel less sad x i cry at night but for my dad i do anything x cancer is disgusting takes the best not the worst. X im struggling but no one knows . But my dog who i cry to he cant say to mum x 

  • Offline in reply to deedee80

    Hey x my dad diagnosed localised pancreatic cancer after he was meant to have heart surgery...hes got angina leaking valves but they wont touch now... hes had 11 chemos hes in hosp now bile duct on liver blocked but they putting stent in tomo. Your dad can have nano knives for inoperable as round blood vessel tissue. I have no one let it out to i caring and work for mum.dad  run a family business plus kids . X i started looking people in my situ 2 nights ago STAY STRONG XXXX

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