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Mums turn....

terribear
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Hi there, i'm writing this today before i travel to see my mum (she lives in a different county), she told me on friday that she has lung cancer. We don't know how bad it is yet, she's had a ct scan and she's to go to see the doc on tues, so all is not lost yet, however, it is going to be so hard to stay positive because almost 11 years ago we were all in the same position, as my dad also had lung cancer and we had to watch him go, he died 28 days after being diagnosed. When my dad told me about himself, and then we went to visit them, i knew he wasn't going to get better, before he knew himself, (he looked shocking), and now, i am dreading seeing my mum incase i feel the same again, what if i know? how can i keep smiling? she keeps apologising for losing weight and that i'll be shocked. this sounds so selfish i realise as i'm writing this but i can't help it. my sister was 11 when dad died and now she's 22 and has a 4 year old daughter who dotes on her grandma,(as they live right next door), if it is bad news how the hell do we tell her? i have an 18 month old son, he doesn't see his grandma as often and at his age will not likely remember her so it will be easier for me to deal with in regards to him, but what about my dear sister and niece? i realise how negative this reads and i know it is, but having been here before, i can't snap out of it, i just want my mum to be ok. i am quite a private person, and keep my emotions in check, so i won't upset my mum, stepdad or sister, just wanted to share, because i need some other people to talk to because i can't keep it all to myself. My fiancee has been brilliant as he was there the first time round so knows whats going on, so its not like i don't have support, just want to chat thats all. sorry for the negativity.

  • Offline in reply to jules54
    Thank you Jules. Speak soon. Take care and look after yourself. big hugs xxx Terri x
  • Offline in reply to jules54
    Jules just read Brian's post I am so, so sorry about your husband. I have had a bad day and I can't believe it. Although we know our husband is ill it is such a shock when this happens. I don't know what to say to you but as I write this I am crying for you and would like to let you know that I really feel for you. Although your husband had a different type of cancer from Alex We had a very similar roller coaster and Alex went very quickly like your husband. As I am a wee stage in front of you please, please let me know if I can help you in any way, love, margaret
  • Offline in reply to Alexander

    Margaret

    Thanks so much for writing. Words for everyone can be difficult at such times but as a family we have taken comfort that after three years with the disease, his passing was as he wanted, quiet, painless (his pain medication had not changed in six months) and at home.  Just a few hours earlier he had sat up in bed and watched our young grandchildren playing and our children were both here during the day.

    Life will be much changed for me now after 42 years as his 'other half' but we were blessed to have so long together and there is much to focus on for the future ahead. I am currently on autopilot I am sure but taking it day by day and being there for the children/grandchildren as they are for me really helps.

     

    Sending hugs your way. Jules x

  • Offline in reply to jules54
    Hi Jules we are so lucky I had46 nearly 47 years married to Alex and although life wasn't always easy like you the last three and a half years when he was ill we were inseparable and did everything together. You sound very like our close family. My three children and four small grandchildren have made my life easier over the festive season. Our best wishes to you and your family over the next wee while. Kind regards margaret
  • Offline in reply to terribear

    Hi Terri

     

    Really hope all is okay with you and your family.  Thinking of you.Jules x

  • Offline in reply to jules54
    Hi Jules, Sorry I haven't been in touch, didn't want to bother you. Really hope you're doing ok (as much as you can anyway). Everyone this end is fine, plodding on. Mum has an appointment next week at Birmingham, so should know more then. Anyway, I won't rattle on, I'm sure you've got better things to do than listen to me just now. I really hope you're ok, and it may be a while, but don't forget to smile xx Big hugs, Terri xx
  • Offline in reply to terribear

    Terri

    Its never a bother to talk to my forum buddies (and is also helping me stay focussed on the here and now!). The 'plodding on' can be a bit of a chore so hope you will take time out for yourself (its important in the whole scheme of things). Hope the appointment in Birmingham for your Mum gives her a plan of action as it must be frustrating not knowing when things are to happen (for her and the family).

       I have been given a month's bereavement leave courtesy of hubby's GP so do not return to work until first Monday in Feb (they will not forget what I look like as I have popped in a couple of times and am in town again on Monday to see solicitors regarding Estate/Probate so may well call in for a chat as they have all been very supportive (a couple of my workmates came to the funeral too)).

    Bet Charlie is growing up fast now. Zack has at last taken to his feet (occasionally) but still likes to crawl at speed (just turned 15 months and adorable).  Eldest grandson has been to an emergency appointment at local hospital ENT today and following a succession of heavy nosebleeds has now had one nostril cauterized in the hope that it help.

    I am still dealing with all the necessary legalities that surround the death of your other half but my 'old secretarial skills' coming in handy and am taking things day to day (inevitable teary moments).  Today got advice that following yet another 'chaser' e mail re Mum's care situation, a new social worker has been appointed and we have a re- assessment meeting booked for next Tuesday.  Never a dull moment comes to mind but it helps to keep busy.  Still off to Bingo on Fridays and hubbby's drinking partner has resumed Friday night at the pub (being kept company by many regulars who also attended on Monday (we held the celebration of hubby's life 'wake' there and they did him proud!).  A new onward journey for me but many good memories  to keep me company.

    Take care Terri and follow your own advice to me - keep smiling and  come chat any time  Sending hugs  Jules x

  • Offline in reply to jules54
    Hey Jules, Hope you are keeping well and looking after yourself. My mum and the doc have agreed for her to go in and 'build her up' a bit again and then they will do the op.....but she won't go until she's been to see 'her Lionel' haha so at least we're getting there. The doc is hoping to mend the hole in her lung and reinflate it (sounds a bit far fetched after it being collapsed and having constant infections etc for over a year, alas I am not a doc though so we'll see) but if it doenst work he will do as planned before and remove it. We won't know until mum is out of the op what they've had to do. Mum in law has some check ups coming up, just routine to see if everything is still ok. Father in law in a lot of pain at the minute, all on his neck is dry and cracked and very sore. It was like that when he first had radiation. Maybe it's the weather that's dried it out. Our little trio are fine. Charlies at grandma's tonight, probably getting spoilt rotten as usual haha And I'm off to bed now, ready for my last day for the week (sm been off this week so I've had the 'a' for the store, it's been hectic to say the least lol) three days off then yay \o/ How did the meeting go? Any closer to sorting your mum out? How's she doing, ok I hope? I do hope you're doing ok and managing as best you can, keep smiling xx big hugs Terri xx
  • Offline in reply to terribear

    Hi terri

    Thanks for  your update. Am glad your Mum will have the pleasure of seeing Lionel before going into hospital again.  Sounds like a good plan to boost her up beforehand and really hope they can solve the problem surrounding her lung once and for all - she has been through such(as have the family) just wondering if/when/how it will be sorted out. Everything crossed for her and do stay in touch.

    How sad that y our Father in Law is having problems with his neck and in so much pain.  Hopefully the docs can offer some help (I'm no medic but when my friend had radiation (different area) she had to moisturise with prescribed cream for many months to keep her skin supple and keep area covered in extremes of weather (out of sun, cold, wind etc).

    I bet Charlie (as well as Grandma) enjoyed his sleepover.  I had Zack (now 15mths!) overnight on Wednesday as the eldest had to go to Great Ormond Street for a 'sleep assessment' appointment (he has been rocking at night and they are keeping an eye on it).  Zack very easy going, though we did have disturbed night as he is teething bless him (still I rarely sleep through anyway so coped ok!!).  They are coming round this morning (son inl aw at work a.m.) and I also have a friend coming in for coffee so not lacking support/company ha ha.

    I return to work on Monday (mixed feelings having been off for a month but need some routine back) but Manager has arranged extra cover so that I will not be on my own for a few days (stress levels are a bit squiffy owing to professional failures over the registration of hubby's death but we are moving forward again now.  Never had so much paperwork (secretarial skills from 'life before kids' certainly coming back!!).

    Had really good meeting with Mum'snew social worker this week (he gave us hope that we may be able to keep her at the residential home and is ready to fight for us).  So another set of forms to fill and info to gather (just as well I have a filing cabinet lol) for new financial assessment. 

    A little retail therapy and forward planning is helping me to cope day to day (plus wonderful support of close family/friends and of course this great forum) but know the grieving process will take as long as necessary.  I now have a washer/dryer so no more trolleying the washing to the launderette and this weekend have builder coming to replace delapidated back garden fence (I can currently wave to people using the service road!!) with a new 6ft wall.  Also have a couple of short breaks booked in April (one with son and his other  half and the other with daughter and family (both in Dorset but different parts) which I think will do us all good.

    Well that's alot of rambling so will leave you in peace and hope once work is done and dusted you can enjoy some down time with the family.  Take care and hugs returned.  Jules x

  • Offline in reply to jules54
    Hi Jules, Hope you're doing ok. How was the return to work? Hope it went ok :) Oh I'm glad your mum has a new social worker, he sounds like someone who has a good fight in him, which is great news for you both :) Yeah Charlie enjoys his sleepovers, he goes quite often on a weekend depending on what we're both working, Jamie is back to working 7 days again at the moment because he's just accumulated quite a bit of new work, he's taken on a couple of new lads and has two more vans ready to put out, very good news of course but also stressful for him, but hopefully soon enough he'll be able to take a step back again! his heart and liver etc are all great too, he had another blood test a few weeks ago. His cholesterol has gone from 7 to 4 which is great and his liver readings have come down a bit too. He has to stay on the statins and betablockers for good though apparently, because once you've got an issue with cholesterol etc it's long term but we've made the changes so it shouldn't be a problem again :) yeah, it's sometimes a surprise how good a bit of retail therapy can be for your feelings, I'm not a shopping fan (owing to the depressing feeling when you try stuff on and they don't fit lol) but.....not the same I know......when I was about 7-8 months pregnant, I went shopping one day and bought myself a bottle of perfume, a little bit of make-up and a pair of earrings I believe, and I remember feeling so happy and pleased :) small things eh? Well I'm sure you've heard about all the palaver with Tesco, fortunately (or unfortunately depending on how you look at it lol) my job seems to be safe at the moment, ours is not one of the stores closing, the nearest one to us is on our group and apparently when it was announced, half the staff force upped and left....leaving the shop in turmoil and bosses flapping! They will do their best to offer people jobs in the surrounding areas though. How's your new wall? Bet it's great to have some privacy back! a couple of breaks will do you all really well, make the most of them :) We're off to great yarmouth on Easter week, Jamie and his parents and Charlie are going on the Saturday before Easter Sunday, but I'm driving down on Monday as I'm not allowed the Easter weekend off :/ been told I'm not allowed the week after off either but I've already booked so it's tough! The only reason I wouldn't go is if my mum is in hospital at that time. Anyway, I'll get off, as we're watching frozen (again) and we like to sing along haha Speak to you soon, take care, big hugs Terri xx

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