Hi

I have just been diagnosed with Kidney Cancer on Wednesday this week and I am being fast tracked to Urology for further assessment.  Also being monitored for Womb Cancer as my consultant is 90% sure I do not have Cancer in this area but can't be 100%.  This is such new information to me I don't think I have fully absorbed the information, part of me still thinks I have been part of a conversation about someone else.  Today I had to tell my boss at work who was the first person I have had to have this conversation with which was difficult but he was very understanding and supportive.  I have my sisters Ruby Wedding Anniversary gathering of all the family including nephews and nieces and will need to put on a big smile and act as though life is wonderful so I'm hoping I can keep it together.  Having had a lot of professional counselling over the last year due to childhood trauma I am worried about how I will cope mentally.  I have already checked how much life insurance my husband will receive.  This is how I cope with difficult things by being highly organised, understanding everything and yes being in control.  I feel in limbo at the minuite because I need to wait for a phonecall at some point over the next two weeks to have my consultation with the Urologist and go through the tests to identify what type of tumur it is and how large etc.  I am an impatient person by nature so it is this bit of the journey I am already hating! and it has only been less than 48 hours since I was told I had Cancer in one of my Kidneys.

I had originally been seen by a gynaecology consultant privately who is also the lead at the district hospital for gynaecology and cancer.  After the first MRI Scan something else showed up that they were not focussed on so I had a second MRI scan focussed on that area, then something else showed up which I had a CT scan for.  This is how it was found in the Kidney.  So it has been a bit of a wirl wind.   My sister has had brest cancer stage 4 and survived it and I am dreading telling her.  My Dad passed about 22 months ago and he had pancreatic cancer but he did not have that on his death certificate, he had died of old age at 96, he was a very stoic person.  I hope I have some of these strong genes and the luck my sister and dad had.  I am 62 and was looking forward to spending some relaxed years towards my retirement at 67 but it just seems one thing after another.  I have Glaucoma and have had a few operations on both of my eyes and also complex spinal surgery due to stenosis of the spine affecting my legs.

To be honest I feel like going to a children's cancer ward to stop feeling sorry for myself, this was the line of conversation I used with my Dad to try help him to feel gratitude instead of feeling sorry for himself.  I'm sure I will be up and down with my emotions and when I think of Jane Tomlinson I really don't know how she did what she did after being diagnosed, I hope I can follow this journey through with wisdom, courage and compose myself with gratitude and have the grit to fight this disease and come out the other-side.

So this is me and where I am at right now at the beginning of this journey feeling really *** off! and impatient to get started with the fight.