I can't even imagine how you must be feeling. You say you are alone. I hope you have support from the various teams involved in your care. Maybe check if there's a Maggie's or Macmillan centre near you. Macmillan offer support on the phone if you can't access face to face services. Make an appointment to see your GP. Check if you have a local charity - my local one has been a godsend.
I'm thinking of you and wishing you comfort and support.
