Ann: caring for my husband who has prostate, bladder and bone cancer

Hi I’m Ann and at the moment I’m caring for my husband who has prostate, bladder and bone cancer. At the moment he’s into his 3 chemotherapy of 10. His side effects are difficult for him as he used to be a strong big man. He’s lost 5stone in the last year. This seems like the last chance for us. I was diagnosed with lung cancer 4years ago and had a lower right lobectomy. I’m now cancer free but getting checked yearly. I’m in my 70’s and I’m finding it very difficult at the moment. I’m extremely tired all the time suffer depression and anxiety so have difficulty sleeping. My husband is a good man but a difficult patient to say the least. He leaves me to do everything and while I was fit enough before it’s taking it out of me now. People ask what they can do to help but he tells them we’re fine. I don’t know what I need anymore I’m just so exhausted by everything. I shouldn’t moan as I still have him, I’m just struggling at the moment.

  • Hi Ann,

    A very warm welcome to our forum. 

    Unfortunately your story is all too familiar. It sounds as if we are of similar age. I have had 2 bouts of breast cancer and 1 of pre-cancer, all within a year of each other. My hubby has has dementia and has had a couple of bouts of skin cancer, a stroke, heart failure and a large number of other co-morbidities. He had to retire at 50 after he had a quadruple heart by-pass. I was self-employed and worked until I was 72. He now has Bowen's disease, which is likely to lead to further cancers. I also looked after my mother with secondary breast cancer, until she passed away, so I am unfortunately, not a stranger to your situation.

    I am glad to hear that you are now cancer free following your lobectomy, but fully appreciate that you are now the post-cancer version of yourself and not the pre-cancer version. I feel the same - cancer certainly does leave a legacy! Sometimes, we can give the impression of being too capable and we don't call for help until we are at breaking point. Do you have any family support at all? You might find it helpful to talk to your husband's care team (GP and/or hospital)  to see what help you can get. Having carers coming in for a few hours a day, would give you a respite for a short while each day, but it also opens doors to other services. If your husband is like mine, he won't want anyone but you to look after him, but you need to put yourself first for a change. If something happened to you, he'd have to accept carers.

    Partners can become more difficult and demanding in a situation such as this and you are not really fit enough to deal with this. Have you considered taking a mild anti-depressant? I was very against this, when it was mooted to me, but it has really helped me enormously. Have a chat with your GP and tell him/her exactly how you feel and see what they suggest.

    I sincerely hope that you find some support and I am always here any time you want to rant.

    Kind regards,

    Jolamine xx