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Hello - I just need to chat

SarahB2
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Hello

I I was diagnosed with bowel cancer 10 years ago and was told I would not survive. Luckily I was referred to another surgeon and here I am.

i have constant flashbacks of those horrific times and it is getting worse as time goes by. The thoughts of death and dying dominate my life and affect my relationships and I have no hope. Sometimes I wish I could fast forward to the end so I can escape this terror.

i feel so guilty that i am like this as i feel that i am wasting my life and have wasted the 10 years that i have been so lucky to have - against the odds.

i recently had a liver bloods and my alp enzyme was raised so was referred back to my surgeon. He was totally unconcerned but said he would arrange a liver ultrasound. This is on Monday and I am terrified by what they will find.

I also had bad vertigo before Xmas and have had a brain / ear/ neck MRI and am also waiting on these results.

i Google incessantly and spend hours comparing my liver results (current and historical) from my GP health .

I am so afraid of having to experience the terror of another cancer diagnosis.

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    SarahB2 hi Sarah I can totally understand how you feel I think some times we all think how long have I got left and been scared also is part of that feeling  I was told I have a large malignant tumour in my rectum only a few weeks ago  and I feel scared of maybe is this the end for me  I’m 71 years old and wonder if I’m strong enough for all that I may have to go through  like you I use Google too much which at times it doesn’t really help it can make you feel worse  I’m here if you want to chat any time  I have a CT scan booked for next Thursday and hopefully with the 8 biopsies they took I might get to know if this tumour as spread any where else  it’s not knowing also if they can do any thing for me  I personally think my tumour as spread because they said it had been growing there for a while   And also I can’t pass wind with out blood and mucus it’s getting me down  but please feel free to chat.  Lots of love xx

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    SarahB2 hi Sarah I can totally understand how you feel I think some times we all think how long have I got left and been scared also is part of that feeling  I was told I have a large malignant tumour in my rectum only a few weeks ago  and I feel scared of maybe is this the end for me  I’m 71 years old and wonder if I’m strong enough for all that I may have to go through  like you I use Google too much which at times it doesn’t really help it can make you feel worse  I’m here if you want to chat any time  I have a CT scan booked for next Thursday and hopefully with the 8 biopsies they took I might get to know if this tumour as spread any where else  it’s not knowing also if they can do any thing for me  I personally think my tumour as spread because they said it had been growing there for a while   And also I can’t pass wind with out blood and mucus it’s getting me down  but please feel free to chat.  Lots of love xx

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