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Hello - I just need to chat

SarahB2
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Hello

I I was diagnosed with bowel cancer 10 years ago and was told I would not survive. Luckily I was referred to another surgeon and here I am.

i have constant flashbacks of those horrific times and it is getting worse as time goes by. The thoughts of death and dying dominate my life and affect my relationships and I have no hope. Sometimes I wish I could fast forward to the end so I can escape this terror.

i feel so guilty that i am like this as i feel that i am wasting my life and have wasted the 10 years that i have been so lucky to have - against the odds.

i recently had a liver bloods and my alp enzyme was raised so was referred back to my surgeon. He was totally unconcerned but said he would arrange a liver ultrasound. This is on Monday and I am terrified by what they will find.

I also had bad vertigo before Xmas and have had a brain / ear/ neck MRI and am also waiting on these results.

i Google incessantly and spend hours comparing my liver results (current and historical) from my GP health .

I am so afraid of having to experience the terror of another cancer diagnosis.

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    It's completely understandable that you feel this way but those 10 years were yours to have to deal with whether you felt they were borrowed or not. Most of us feel like we can be living better but adding guilt to the weight of all those other complicated emotions might not help you moving forward. What you went through was traumatic and you'll be reliving it now so everything you've done and not done will be highlighted in your mind as fear of cancer is consuming. You are strong to have been through what you have been through already. You can do this. I'm wishing you all the best with your results. People will be here. Including myself. To talk when you need to x

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    SarahB2 hi Sarah I can totally understand how you feel I think some times we all think how long have I got left and been scared also is part of that feeling  I was told I have a large malignant tumour in my rectum only a few weeks ago  and I feel scared of maybe is this the end for me  I’m 71 years old and wonder if I’m strong enough for all that I may have to go through  like you I use Google too much which at times it doesn’t really help it can make you feel worse  I’m here if you want to chat any time  I have a CT scan booked for next Thursday and hopefully with the 8 biopsies they took I might get to know if this tumour as spread any where else  it’s not knowing also if they can do any thing for me  I personally think my tumour as spread because they said it had been growing there for a while   And also I can’t pass wind with out blood and mucus it’s getting me down  but please feel free to chat.  Lots of love xx

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