It's as if you are two people, the one that tries to be positive and keep trying and the one that would rather crawl under the duvet and stay there

Yes spot on i wake up sometimes and think shall i just stay in bed i thought id go back to work now its in my bones i know thats not happening i feel like a failure i didnt beat it.

As for feeling a failure, yes, Ihave never smoked and don't driink, watch my diet and comply with all measures, went through chemo and now am told there's nothing to be done!  I have no symptoms and feel well, which makes it seem so surreal !I feel that I  have no control, and that's what makes me so angry, but is determination was a cure, maybe non of us would be here!   It does help to share my thought with someone who I sent a family member, I think that feeling a failure is common even though you KNOW that's illogical, I try not to think about tomorrow as that just makes today gloomy!

i can understand what your saying the tumour in my arm and shoulder ive no pain there it makes you think "Have they got this wrong?I hope the way im feeling is side effects and i think sometimes that i dont realise people around me just dont know what to say and i have to put a facade and im tired of it.I need a new fridge and i keep thinking whats the point ?This is not living and if carries on im just gonna say sod this i dont want this i wanna live.Im sorry i know how negative this is and no one needs it on here but i know your the only people who "Know"

That’s why I dislike the “cancer warrior” and “ let’s kick cancer’s ***” narratives. 
None of us choose to have cancer and our survival pretty much depends on how well our bodies can cope with our treatment and how our cancers respond to that treatment. We’re not being brave or selflessly positive and cheerful all the time and it’s offensive when people (especially in the mass media) try to portray this as normal. Being scared and feeling like staying in bed is pretty much as close to normal as it gets. 
Choosing to undergo treatment or not is about the only real agency we have. 
No-one should feel like a failure simply because the treatment hasn’t worked or makes us feel desperately ill. 
You’ve probably guessed that I feel quite strongly about this lol
Some lucky people survive and their luck needs to be celebrated but not at the expense of making others feel like failures. 
If grit, love, prayers and a positive mental attitude was all that it took, survival rates would be far, far, higher. 

Best wishes
Dave 

Research shows that 40% of cancers are preventable.
That means that 60% of cancers are unavoidable and even if you’ve done everything right to minimise the risk, you can only reduce the risk so much.
Talking of statistics - one of the reasons medical staff don’t like to give a prognosis is because the statistics only work when applied to large groups of patients and the chances of survival and answers to “how long do I have left” are based on averages. By definition, these answers will be wrong more often than they’re right because none of us are average and positive outliers are excluded from the stats because they can massively skew the results. 

Good luck!
Dave

I wonder if I'm one of the few who doesn't want to know how long I  have left, I intend to carry on as normal until the day I can't !

A lot of people feel that way. 
I needed a prognosis for travel insurance as I wanted a final holiday to India post-chemo.
My prognosis was utterly wrong. I was told I probably had a 5% chance of surviving for a year after chemo. It’s now several years since I finished chemo. 

Yes