Welcome to the forum, Laura.

I'm sorry to hear about the incredibly tough time you've been going through. It sounds like you've been dealing with a lot, both physically and emotionally.

Firstly, it's important to recognise that your feelings are valid, and seeking support is a crucial step. For emotional and psychological support, you might find it helpful to reach out to organisations such as Refuge, which provides support for those experiencing domestic abuse. They might be able to offer advice and assistance in finding a safe and supportive environment.

Additionally, for your health concerns and the stress you're experiencing from your cancer treatment, Maggie's offers free support to anyone affected by cancer. 

It's crucial to address the lack of support from your partner. His behavior sounds emotionally abusive and unsupportive during a time when you need compassion and understanding the most. You might also find it beneficial to look into Counselling Directory, which can help you find a counselor or therapist in your area to talk through your feelings and provide strategies to cope with your situation.

Given the impact this is having on your mental health, please consider reaching out to a mental health professional or contacting a helpline for immediate support. 

Take care of yourself, and remember that there are people and resources out there to support you through these difficult times.

Best wishes,

Renata, Cancer Chat Moderator

The fact that you are worrying that you might be the narcissist means you are almost certainly not. That is what narcissists DO, they make you question yourself. If you were the narcissist, you wouldn't question yourself. You would assume you were unquestionably right and would probably try to make him feel like he is the one in the wrong.

Your situation sounds really difficult. Have you any other family members or friends you could turn to, people who would help you out?

You are NOT a burden. Anybody would be miserable, depressed and angry if they were facing the health problems you have OR the issues you were dealing with in your marriage. With both together...yikes, Being miserable, depressed and angry is NORMAL in those circumstances and any normal person would have their heart breaking for you and would want to help. It is NOT normal to see somebody close to you in distress and going through health problems and to react by treating them as a burden or asking them "who would want to be around you?"

I mean, yes, families and carers of those who are ill can get burnt out or get irritated and behave badly, but asking "who would want to be around you?" goes beyond that and it sounds like he was not apologetic afterwards. A normal person who lashes out because they are stressed would be guilty and apologetic afterwards. They would not blame you.

It sounds like you are internalising the things he has thrown at you. No, people would NOT be better off without you. You are NOT a burden to everybody. Anybody who loves you would want to be around you.

Hi Margaret, 

I have just read your post and it has made me cry . Thank you so much for reaching out to me . 

I did have friends before but every friend I had my partner thought they was a ‘***’ so stupidly I unfriended them . I havnt spoke to them for years and I dont even have there number or contact details anymore . 

I start my treatment next Wednesday and my partner has decided to take himself and the kids to Newcastle for an overnight hotel stay as there is a party there with his friends .  I have arranged for a charity called firefly to pick me up on Wednesday and fetch me back but am I over reacting when I  say that it upsets me that it’s my first treatment and I’m going to be coming home to an empty house ?

Regarding my family I’m not very close to them I am in contact but my partner constantly tells me that my family don’t like me, that there never there for me and he says it’s embarrassing how little they care about me . I wouldn’t be able to go stay with any of them anyway . 

His mum is also a problem , unfortunately he is a proper mummies boy and she always sticks up for him . If I say anything she says ‘awww my baby leave him alone ‘ she also lives next door and we havnt really spoke last few weeks because I have withdrawn myself mentally and she said few Saturdays ago that I will not be taking my youngest with me if I go and she will fight me for him . 

I’ve looked into renting somewhere but I can’t even afford the fors

I’ve looked into renting somewhere but I just can’t afford it . Also everywhere I’ve looked wants working people and I’m not working at the moment also I don’t have funds for bond etc nor do I have any furniture . 

what annoys me the most is I’m absolutely breaking inside and he walks around laughing and singing like he hasn’t got a care in the world . 

he has also said that whichever way I go by that I think he means if I leave or if the cancer gets worse then he will be replacing me straight away . 

Is this abuse or am I being dramatic ?

Hi Laura,

My heart breaks for you. You're not being dramatic, you're suffering from emotional abuse and it sounds like your partner has a good teacher - his mother.

My first marriage was to a similar man to your partner. He used to tell me it was me with the problem and I doubted myself for years. I could go on but this is about you, not me. You're being gaslighted and this is leading you to question your own mind. If I was you, I'd pick up the phone to your old friends, believe me they will already know the score with your partner. Other people see things you don't. Reach out and get help, your partner sounds like a wretch. 

Sorry I can't be more positive about him, it makes me angry that people like him exist and get away with it. 

Sending you a big hug and my warmest wishes.

Jane xx

Hi Jane ,

Thank you for your message it means so much to me right now and for sending me a big hug . 

everybody around him thinks that I’m the problem he says that everybody thinks he’s lovely and his mum says that girls constantly throw themselves at him and that she knows at least 2 girls who are in love with him . I’m saying this because my confidence is on the floor , when we have argued in the past he likes to tell me how fat I am but now he says since I’ve lost 3 stone from being poorly that I was massive before . 

I feel like I’m never going to be happy again that’s what scares me because I feel so down I’ve never felt this low before . 

I can’t contact my friends because I don’t have there number nor do I have Facebook or Instagram because I have never been allowed them so I’m not sure how I can contact them . 

i also think he has somebody else because he is very secretive with his phone he even takes it to the bathroom with him and sleeps with it  in his pocket and I found viagra that he had hidden in his wardrobe but we havnt been affectionate like that in nearly 3 years . 

Sorry if I’m using ‘I’ and ‘I’m’ a lot I don’t want to come across as self centred but this is the best way I can describe my life and what’s going on 

thanks again Jane for your message x

Please don't believe your partner about your family. Reach out to them. They would likely want to support you. Your partner is trying to isolate you. Ignore anything he says about your family.

Hello Laura

I'm so sorry to hear about the situation that you find yourself in. It's obviously a very difficult time for you not just with the treatment that you're undergoing but also with the issues that you've described with your partner and other people. 

I can see that Moderator Renata replied yesterday with some agencies that may be able to offer you some support.  You've had some really encouraging and supportive messages from other community members that you've found helpful. 

You're obviously in a very difficult situation Laura and you've been so brave to reach out to the Cancer Chat community here. Please reach out to your GP for support. It's also important that your hospital care team know you will be going home to an empty house next week so use that conversation as an opportunity to open up to them and share your story. I'm sure that you won't be the first patient that they have had in this situation and hopefully, they will be able to give you some additional support whilst you're undergoing treatment. 

Both MargaretMary and Boomber1965 have already said this but please Laura, reach out to your family and friends. I know that this may not be an easy phone call or message to send but I'm sure there are people who will want to help you. 

I also wanted to let you know that at any point if you want to talk with someone about how you're feeling, you can call the Samaritans. They are available 24/7 365 days a year on 116 123. 

Cancer Chat will continue to be here to listen and to offer any support and help that we can Laura so do keep in touch. 

Best wishes, 
Jenn
Cancer Chat moderator