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Elderly mum stage 4 lung cancer

Peggycherry
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Hi there, my mum is 87. She started experiencing back pain a few weeks ago and Dr prescribed pain relief and X-ray and ct scan but this showed she sadly has end stage lung cancer. Shes had a dry cough for going on 2 years but has worsened in last 4 months, always refused to get it checked insisting she felt otherwise fine. She's lost a lot of weight in last 4 months too, sounds breathless and wheezy at times. She also appears to have had shingles although no blistering or itching. Appetite in last few weeks is very little. Dr also says there is trace of blood in her stool which could indicate cancer has spread. My mum doesn't want any further tests or investigations. She's at peace with the fact she's dying and says she's ready which is a big comfort but it's still hard and I'm scared for what's to come. In the last few days she's perked up, eating a bit more, showing interest in TV again etc. I'm going round every day and we are chatting and it's all quite nice if that makes sense. She's so calm and practical about it all. Shes only taking naproxen at the moment, could that really be alleviating her pain right now causing her to seem brighter? We have apt next week for palliative care referral. I really have no idea what to expect. Thanks for reading x

 

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    Hi Peggycherry,

    A very warm welcome to our forum.

    I am so sorry to hear about your mum's diagnosis. It is always hard for relatives to accept it, when a loved one refuses to have any more investigation or treatment. However it is often the best decision, as there is a lot to be said for having quality of life over quantity of life.

    It sounds as if your mum knows her own mind and is at peace with this decision.  The main thing is to make the most of the time that she has left. Talk to her and don't leave anything left unsaid. Make what memories you can with her. Has she got anything that she'd like to do, or anyone that she would like to see - if so, perhaps you could facilitate this?

    It is normal to eat and drink less and less towards the end. The palliative care team  should be able to put some things in place for her. Does she need help with her personal care? They can for instance, arrange for carers to visit her up to 4 times a day, if necessary. You may feel that you can do this, but it can take a lot of your energy up towards the end and can rob you of prime time that you could spend with her instead.

    You may find that she will need more medication to control pain as her condition advances. Don't be afraid to ask her medical team to step this up, if she needs a higher dose. Your mum sounds like avery special lady for her age. I lost my own mum to secondary breast cancer, which had spread to her lungs, liver, brain and bone. I also lost my father-in-law to cancer. He was diagnosed and died 5 days later.

    This won't be an easy journey. None of us want to lose a loved one. For the moment, try not to dwell on what's to come, but live in the day. Enjoy the time you have with her  and make sure that she is as comfortable as she can be.

    Please keep in touch and let us know how she gets on. We are always here for both of you.

    Kind regards,


    Jolamine xx

  • Offline in reply to Jolamine

    Hi there thank you so much for your reply. I am very sorry to hear you lost two very close people to cancer. I will take your advice and try not to dwell on what is to come. She's still showing signs of perking up, she says the back pain is still there but its manageable. Its lovely to see her looking so much brighter with what seems a new lease of life but at same time seems cruel when we know what we are facing but then that is me dwelling on what is to come again. When she had the back pain and it was bad she was telling me she's tired of life and at an age now where she would just like to fade away now - that was before even knowing it was cancer. It was upsetting to hear but I can understand where she is coming from at her age. 

    We have a gp telephone apt on Thursday to discuss end of life care wishes and a palliative care nurse is due to visit soon to assess her so I feel at least we are getting things in place. Sounds like it can be too late for some people so at least we have that. 

    Thanks again for taking the time to read and reply x

  • Offline in reply to Peggycherry

    Hi Peggycherry,

    I can understand how your mum felt when she had the back pain, as constant pain can really wear you down. If she is only taking Naproxin, I would query whether this is sufficient to ease the pain for her. You might find it helpful to write down a list of any questions you all have, before you speak to her GP on Thursday and likewise for the nurse. The palliative care nurse will assess her needs and can arrange for a hospital bed to be delivered, any aids that might help her, carers to attend to her personal needs (up to 4 times a day), someone to sit with her at night if needed. She can also arrange for her to have build up foods, if she isn't eating too well. These mostly come in drink form or as puddings, which are of a yogurt type consistency. These are easy to swallow, although you may find that your mum will only like one or two of the flavours. We got an assorted tray of these delivered the first time for my mum. This gave her the opportunity to decide which flaours she liked and we then got trays with these flavours only. 

    They can also arrange for any incontinence pads to be delivered or any creams to be applied to her skin. My mother-in-law was bed-bound for 6 years befoe she died. We found it very difficult to wash her hair, until I bought an inflatable plastic hair washing bowl. This made a big difference. Eventually, her carers were able to use this on a regular basis, which made her feel more confortable.

    I am currently caring for my husband, who has had a series of strokes in the past 27  years, following a quadruple by-pass when he was 50. He now has the added complications of Heart Failure, Parkinson's Disease, Diabetes and Dementia. We have arranged for him to have a council alarm which he wears around his neck, so that he can alert someone at any time of day or night. This is a great help to me, as it alloews me to do shopping, etc, without worrying whether or not he is ok.

    You have questions to consider such as whether your mum wants to spend the rest of her days at home, or if she'd prefer to be in a care home or a hospice. Although it may be a difficult conversation, broaching these with your mum now, can give her more time to think about it, instead of having to make a decision on the spot.

    There are so many things to think about. I have only mentioned the first few which spring to mind. Not everyone will need all of these, but it can help to know what is available.

    Please keep in touch. I'm always here if you have any questons or need any support.

    Kind regards,

    Jolamine xx

     

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