Hi Peggycherry,

A very warm welcome to our forum.

I am so sorry to hear about your mum's diagnosis. It is always hard for relatives to accept it, when a loved one refuses to have any more investigation or treatment. However it is often the best decision, as there is a lot to be said for having quality of life over quantity of life.

It sounds as if your mum knows her own mind and is at peace with this decision.  The main thing is to make the most of the time that she has left. Talk to her and don't leave anything left unsaid. Make what memories you can with her. Has she got anything that she'd like to do, or anyone that she would like to see - if so, perhaps you could facilitate this?

It is normal to eat and drink less and less towards the end. The palliative care team  should be able to put some things in place for her. Does she need help with her personal care? They can for instance, arrange for carers to visit her up to 4 times a day, if necessary. You may feel that you can do this, but it can take a lot of your energy up towards the end and can rob you of prime time that you could spend with her instead.

You may find that she will need more medication to control pain as her condition advances. Don't be afraid to ask her medical team to step this up, if she needs a higher dose. Your mum sounds like avery special lady for her age. I lost my own mum to secondary breast cancer, which had spread to her lungs, liver, brain and bone. I also lost my father-in-law to cancer. He was diagnosed and died 5 days later.

This won't be an easy journey. None of us want to lose a loved one. For the moment, try not to dwell on what's to come, but live in the day. Enjoy the time you have with her  and make sure that she is as comfortable as she can be.

Please keep in touch and let us know how she gets on. We are always here for both of you.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hi Peggycherry,

I can understand how your mum felt when she had the back pain, as constant pain can really wear you down. If she is only taking Naproxin, I would query whether this is sufficient to ease the pain for her. You might find it helpful to write down a list of any questions you all have, before you speak to her GP on Thursday and likewise for the nurse. The palliative care nurse will assess her needs and can arrange for a hospital bed to be delivered, any aids that might help her, carers to attend to her personal needs (up to 4 times a day), someone to sit with her at night if needed. She can also arrange for her to have build up foods, if she isn't eating too well. These mostly come in drink form or as puddings, which are of a yogurt type consistency. These are easy to swallow, although you may find that your mum will only like one or two of the flavours. We got an assorted tray of these delivered the first time for my mum. This gave her the opportunity to decide which flaours she liked and we then got trays with these flavours only. 

They can also arrange for any incontinence pads to be delivered or any creams to be applied to her skin. My mother-in-law was bed-bound for 6 years befoe she died. We found it very difficult to wash her hair, until I bought an inflatable plastic hair washing bowl. This made a big difference. Eventually, her carers were able to use this on a regular basis, which made her feel more confortable.

I am currently caring for my husband, who has had a series of strokes in the past 27  years, following a quadruple by-pass when he was 50. He now has the added complications of Heart Failure, Parkinson's Disease, Diabetes and Dementia. We have arranged for him to have a council alarm which he wears around his neck, so that he can alert someone at any time of day or night. This is a great help to me, as it alloews me to do shopping, etc, without worrying whether or not he is ok.

You have questions to consider such as whether your mum wants to spend the rest of her days at home, or if she'd prefer to be in a care home or a hospice. Although it may be a difficult conversation, broaching these with your mum now, can give her more time to think about it, instead of having to make a decision on the spot.

There are so many things to think about. I have only mentioned the first few which spring to mind. Not everyone will need all of these, but it can help to know what is available.

Please keep in touch. I'm always here if you have any questons or need any support.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx