Hello. I couldn't not reply when I saw your post. I am so very sorry for your loss. How incredibly sad. This time of year is always going to make things feel worse. Are there any support lines you could call? Are you able to do an Internet search? Do you have support at home? I wish I could take your pain away. X

I'm trying to get support but doctors are bloody useless ,I got my wife and kids there amazing,they try so hard to support me,but I just put on a brave face for them all,but inside I feel like screaming out,but the word just won't come out,I just keep taking 1 day at a time,some are good some not so good,but he's always on my mind especially late when trying to get to sleep,thanks for taking the time to reply

I know. It must be so absolutely awful. And there is no blueprint as to how anyone is meant to feel or act after something as sad as this. I am really am sorry you all had to go through this and are still going through this. You will never be over it, but in time, it will change and look slightly different. I hope you get some support. Have you tried griefchat.co.uk ? That looks like it might be free to chat to someone online who is qualified in grief counselling? I send you all a virtual hug. 

Didn't want to pass and not respond. I cannot imagine how hard it must be for you and your family. All I can do is think how my parents and siblings were when we lost our brother many years ago. The pain was almost physical, in time it became less raw but never left any of us. However, we always spoke/speak of him, eventually smiled more than we cried (though sometimes you're caught off guard by tears).  It's because you love them + that never changes, even by death.  
Wish I had a magic solution, we're all different - talking about him helped us, just normal stuff, things he'd have liked, also we also acknowledged how unfair it was, how we hated what's happened.  
I hope, in time, you can all smile and remember he is, was and always will be part of your life.  Xx