Hi Jack_Mac,

Welcome to Cancer Chat. This sounds like a really tough situation and I can imagine it must be incredibly difficult for you. This sort of conflict is not easy to witness or be around and I'm sure it puts you in an uncomfortable position.

If and when these arguments happen, perhaps you could take the little one away from it for a walk or similar to allow things to cool down. You could speak to your wife and the eldest individually, when the time is right, about the situation to see if they can practice alternatives such as walking away rather than arguing. This would also be an opportunity to show your wife you are continuing to support her at the same time.

Without being involved in the details, it's hard to advise further. But it sounds like you're doing a good thing by continuing to support your wife as well as the little one.

Hopefully this forum can provide some support and suggestions for you, and hopefully you'll receive further replies soon if there are others with similar experience or advice to offer.

Wishing you all the best,

Ben
Cancer Chat Moderator

Hi jack-mac.  Don't envy you at all. I have a 22 and 30 year olds they get on well together. I'd have to hate and choose one or the other if they were at conflict with each other.  If your wife says you don't back her up. Ask her what it is she wants you to do, If the older step children are old enough to go there own seperate ways.

tell your wife if they don't visit they can't argue. it would make your life your wife's life  and your youngest will not be stuck inbetween. It's the old saying cruel to be kind.  If your wife dimisses it then I can't see were you go from there. My wife died in July 2020 she was diagnosed in late may. so those last 6 weeks we had together were the most precious moments in our 34 year marraige.. All the infighting with your step children isn't worth it. Can you imagine what it will be like in the final moments. If it ends up them cutting you off. who's to say they weren't or won't do it in the long run. you have your own young one to care for. do what's right for her you and your wife.  Jack don't get me wrong, but I say what I think and I don't mean what I've posted in a nasty way what so ever.

I really feel for you. Families at war are awful and illness does tend to bring out the worst in people! Have you managed to have a frank heart to heart with your wife about how you feel? I can't imagine your wife wants to spend the time she has left fighting and arguing and i really think the focus should be on you as a couple with the youngest child. A piece of advice someone once gave to me was that it takes two to have an argument. If the same cycle keeps happening - obviously the way your wife and daughter communicate isn't working so perhaps you could suggest cutting down on contact. Does your daughter have a care worker/counsellor/friends etc? The other children are likely apathetic as they are worn out with it all and no doubt the child that shouts the loudest gets all the attention! Bi-polar or not - there still should be consequences but it won't help if Mum isn't putting down ground rules etc or is shouting and screaming as much as your daughter! I also feel for the little one. This kind of behaviour is emotional abuse and those that are old enough to know better are quite frankly selfish for behaving like this in front of a small child. Have you tried family counselling? Could you go for counselling just to let off steam? When my mother had cancer she was so awful and her marriage so toxic - i ended up having a nervous breakdown. The guilt and obligation kept me trying to resolve things but ultimately no one wanted to change. It's not worth making yourself ill and it's not selfish to admit you feel close to breaking point. Perhaps if you told this to your wife it might make the family realise something needs to be done.

Dear Jack,

I am extremely sad for you all.  Please be kind to yourself.  Maybe the best thing is to always "back your wife up", but be aware that if she is taking heavy drugs and painkillers, she probably is unaware of a lot of the turmoil all around, and certainly doesnt mean to verbally upset you.

I hope that rifts can be healed, and that you all find the strength and patience that you need in the future to soothe and nurture your family.  
there.must be a local hospice where you can seek the support that you need as a family (and separately).

Please look after yourself also. 

Sending healing vibes to you all,

Goldy54