Hi Simon,

It sounds as if it may be a case of 'tough love' for your dad, as it is only by leaving him to his own devices that he will realise that he really does need help. I know exactly what you mean about your mum. As more and more bad news is heaped upon us we really do begin to grieve prematurely. That's what we mums do - worry about our offspring, no matter how old they are. Your mum knew you inside out and I'm sure that she would have probably felt hurt if you hadn't been upset.

How are you managing to fill your days at the moment - do you have any interests or pastimes to help fill the void that you have?

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hi Jolamine, Yes I think that's the only way for him. He won't do anything unless he absolutely has to. He's always been very stubborn! I definitely think I did quite a lot of grieving before. I always knew that I would lose her, I'm just upset I didn't get as long as I thought. I know when you get time estimates though, it's just a guess. I was hoping we would get to her birthday at least which is next month. It wasn't to be though. I think mum knew me better than anyone else. I act like things don't bother me but she knew I was emotional. Especially when she was ill, I hated the thought of her being hurt and I always wanted t I protect her. I said if I could I would have swapped places with her but she wouldn't have a bit of it. As you say your mum will always protect you.

I haven't been doing too much Jolamine. I do watch a lot of sport  so the football on TV has helped although to be honest a lot of the time I feel like I'm not watching it, it's just on. I don't seem to be able to concentrate as much these days. Looking after the house as best I can has also kept me quite busy. My mum did everything for me so I didn't realise quite how much there is to do. Some things I can't do because of my problems but I try and take things slowly and do them bit by bit. Thank you so much Jolamine. X

Simon

Hi simon,

Time estimates are at best, just a 'guesstimate' of how long we all have. Some people have far less, whilst others can have many years more. My father-in-law had 5 days from diagnosis to his passing. We hardly had time to take it all in.

I am glad that you are watching the football. Even if you're not concentrating on it fully, it does help to pass the time. I had to have a wee laugh when you said that you didn't realise how much there is to do in the house. This often happens when we lose our mums. It's amazing how much work they could get through in a day, whilst making it seem almost effortless. I am glad to hear that you are managing to do most things, even if you do them bit by bit - you really are stronger than you think! 

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Thank you so much Jolamine, I'm trying to be strong for my mum. She said when I'm gone you will be ok, she said you can keep talking to me. Yeah I think I probably did think too much about the timescales. I knew things can go wrong but I think it's just trying to be hopeful to take the longest estimate as the one. I know some people don't get anywhere near that. I'm so sorry to hear about your father in law, that must have been such a shock for you. I always try and be grateful for the time I got as I know no one is guaranteed anything in this life.

You are right Jolamine, we don't realise how much our mums do, without them the whole house falls apart! They make it look easy and yet they do so much we take for granted! I am doing ok at the moment thank you. Thank you so much for your kind words Jolamine. X

Simon

Hi Simon,

I am sure that your mum would be proud of the way you are coping. She would also understand how you feel on those darker days and, although she wouldn't want you to be sad, I'm sure that there is consolation in the fact that you miss her so much. 

Unfortunately, loving someone as much as you loved your mum, makes your loss all the harder. I hope that you do keep talking to her. There are times when I still talk to my mum, even though it is now 24 years since she passed.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hi Jolamine, yes I do think she would know how hard it is for me. She was everything to me and I would do anything to have her back but I know that's not how it works. I do think that the hurt equals the love. It hurts so much because it shows how much I love her. I do chat to her quite a lot, I'm guessing like you I always will do. There's never a time when I don't want mums advice. I used to ask her about everything and I still try and ask her now what would she think! Thank you so much Jolamine, I hope Archie is doing ok. X

Simon

Hi Simon,

If only wishing could bring our mums back!  The fact that we miss them so much is certainly testament to the fact that we love them so much. You have probably noticed that there are other people in the midst of losing loved ones on the forum at the moment and it's hitting them really hard too. 

When you are looking for your mum's advice you may find that you will still get it in some of the most unusual ways. I have certainly found this throughout the years. I'm hoping to see Archie later in the week. The physio is limiting him to just a few steps, even though he is keen to do more, as his breathing is still quite laboured by any physical effort.

Take care.

Jolamine xx

Hi Simon,

Thank you for your kind thoughts about Archie. I saw him yesterday. He was brighter in himself, but frustrated in that he has only seen the physio twice since he came out of hospital and she won't allow him to increase his steps yet. In fact, she seems more intent on teaching him how to use a wheelchair, which neither of us are too happy about. I intend to contact the manager of the home to see if he can get more intensive treatment. If not, we are thinking of sending a private physio in, as I feel that the longer he sits in his wheelchair, the more his muscles are wasting.

I think the truth is that you won't get your head around the enormity of losing your mum for a very long time yet. It sounds as if you are actually coping quite well. You are bound to be hit hard from time to time, but you are getting through the days, no matter how hard it is to do this. This really is as much as you can do just now.

Just continue to go from one day to the next.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hi Jolamine, I'm glad to hear Archie is a bit better In himself. I can only imagine how frustrating it is for him though. Especially if he feels like he can do more but the physio isn't restricting him. I can understand what you mean, definitely try and get them to do more if possible. As you said the longer he is in the wheelchair I guess it will be harder for him to start using his feet again. I hope you did manage to contact the manager and they are willing to give Archie more physio.

Yeah at the moment I just seem to be going from one day to the next. I don't feel like I'm struggling and then something sets me off. I know there are reminders everywhere though. It was my mums birthday on Monday which was tough. She was due for retirement at 66 and she was really looking forward to getting her pension. As you said it's just a case of getting through the days for now and at the moment I am managing to get by which is good. Thank you Jolamine, I hope Archie manages to get some more support and can continue his recovery. You take care.

Simon