Hi,my mum was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer just over 18months ago, she also has it in her lymph nodes and rib,she has had immunotherapy and radiation therapy,she seemed to pic up a little bit,but now she is in a lot of pain and lost loads of weight, last few days she has spent most of it in bed, she in 40 mg morphine twice a day plus the liquid when needed, the consultant said he is considering cemo but thinks the side effects would be too much, can anyone tell me if this could be the end or could she pic up again,im at a loss as to what to expect 

Hi Loo1512, I'm sorry to hear that. I can't really help on what could happen next. I know Jolamine will be able to help you more. From my experience with my mum once you are too weak for treatment it usually means that there isn't too much more they can do. I know everybody is different though. Try and savour every moment you can with your mum. All the time you can spend together is special. My thoughts are with you and your mum. X

Simon 

Hi Simon,

Sometimes the only way for people to accept that they need help is to let them get desperate enough to admit that this is so - I just hope that your dad doesn't change his mind again.

You have possibly been grieving for your mum almost from when you knew how ill she was and, I'm sure that your mum realised this. There is no shame whatsoever in crying. It really is a necessary release valve.

Yes, it's those lonely hours throughout the night that always seem the bleakest. Thank you for your kind thoughts about Archie. We will certainly do everything we possibly can to get him back on his feet again.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hi Jolamine, I believe you are right. I still get the feeling now that he could change his mind but I know that's not for me to worry about. I can't change his mind so he needs to decide for himself but I think he realises now that he needs help. I think I was, from the first time mum found out she was ill in December it felt like constantly finding out some more bad news. It started here then spread to another place, constant tests and worrying. I think as you said I did a lot grieving before as we knew what the eventual outcome would be although it was a lot sooner than I hoped for. I don't think my mum minded me getting upset, she just stayed strong for me so I didn't worry. Typical mum always worrying about other people!

I really do hope that Archie improves and you can manage to get him back up and about again. My thoughts are with you and all your family Jolamine. You take care. X

Simon

Hi Simon,

It sounds as if it may be a case of 'tough love' for your dad, as it is only by leaving him to his own devices that he will realise that he really does need help. I know exactly what you mean about your mum. As more and more bad news is heaped upon us we really do begin to grieve prematurely. That's what we mums do - worry about our offspring, no matter how old they are. Your mum knew you inside out and I'm sure that she would have probably felt hurt if you hadn't been upset.

How are you managing to fill your days at the moment - do you have any interests or pastimes to help fill the void that you have?

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hi Jolamine, Yes I think that's the only way for him. He won't do anything unless he absolutely has to. He's always been very stubborn! I definitely think I did quite a lot of grieving before. I always knew that I would lose her, I'm just upset I didn't get as long as I thought. I know when you get time estimates though, it's just a guess. I was hoping we would get to her birthday at least which is next month. It wasn't to be though. I think mum knew me better than anyone else. I act like things don't bother me but she knew I was emotional. Especially when she was ill, I hated the thought of her being hurt and I always wanted t I protect her. I said if I could I would have swapped places with her but she wouldn't have a bit of it. As you say your mum will always protect you.

I haven't been doing too much Jolamine. I do watch a lot of sport  so the football on TV has helped although to be honest a lot of the time I feel like I'm not watching it, it's just on. I don't seem to be able to concentrate as much these days. Looking after the house as best I can has also kept me quite busy. My mum did everything for me so I didn't realise quite how much there is to do. Some things I can't do because of my problems but I try and take things slowly and do them bit by bit. Thank you so much Jolamine. X

Simon

Hi simon,

Time estimates are at best, just a 'guesstimate' of how long we all have. Some people have far less, whilst others can have many years more. My father-in-law had 5 days from diagnosis to his passing. We hardly had time to take it all in.

I am glad that you are watching the football. Even if you're not concentrating on it fully, it does help to pass the time. I had to have a wee laugh when you said that you didn't realise how much there is to do in the house. This often happens when we lose our mums. It's amazing how much work they could get through in a day, whilst making it seem almost effortless. I am glad to hear that you are managing to do most things, even if you do them bit by bit - you really are stronger than you think! 

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Thank you so much Jolamine, I'm trying to be strong for my mum. She said when I'm gone you will be ok, she said you can keep talking to me. Yeah I think I probably did think too much about the timescales. I knew things can go wrong but I think it's just trying to be hopeful to take the longest estimate as the one. I know some people don't get anywhere near that. I'm so sorry to hear about your father in law, that must have been such a shock for you. I always try and be grateful for the time I got as I know no one is guaranteed anything in this life.

You are right Jolamine, we don't realise how much our mums do, without them the whole house falls apart! They make it look easy and yet they do so much we take for granted! I am doing ok at the moment thank you. Thank you so much for your kind words Jolamine. X

Simon

Hi Simon,

I am sure that your mum would be proud of the way you are coping. She would also understand how you feel on those darker days and, although she wouldn't want you to be sad, I'm sure that there is consolation in the fact that you miss her so much. 

Unfortunately, loving someone as much as you loved your mum, makes your loss all the harder. I hope that you do keep talking to her. There are times when I still talk to my mum, even though it is now 24 years since she passed.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hi Jolamine, yes I do think she would know how hard it is for me. She was everything to me and I would do anything to have her back but I know that's not how it works. I do think that the hurt equals the love. It hurts so much because it shows how much I love her. I do chat to her quite a lot, I'm guessing like you I always will do. There's never a time when I don't want mums advice. I used to ask her about everything and I still try and ask her now what would she think! Thank you so much Jolamine, I hope Archie is doing ok. X

Simon

Hi Simon,

If only wishing could bring our mums back!  The fact that we miss them so much is certainly testament to the fact that we love them so much. You have probably noticed that there are other people in the midst of losing loved ones on the forum at the moment and it's hitting them really hard too. 

When you are looking for your mum's advice you may find that you will still get it in some of the most unusual ways. I have certainly found this throughout the years. I'm hoping to see Archie later in the week. The physio is limiting him to just a few steps, even though he is keen to do more, as his breathing is still quite laboured by any physical effort.

Take care.

Jolamine xx

Hi Jolamime, how are you. Did you manage to see Archie, I hope he is managing ok and they are allowing him to do a little more. It must be really frustrating for you all. My thoughts are with you. I have noticed other people who have lost their mums and they all devastated. It's hard to know how it feels until you go through it. It feels like your whole world has been rocked, your mum is always there and then suddenly you are on your own. The loss is too big too even get my head round at the moment. I've been doing ok, just get sudden moments where it really hits me hard. I just try to get through them and see how the next day is, there's not a lot else you can do really. I hope Archie is doing ok Jolamine. You take care. X

Simon

Hi Jolamime, how are you. Did you manage to see Archie, I hope he is managing ok and they are allowing him to do a little more. It must be really frustrating for you all. My thoughts are with you. I have noticed other people who have lost their mums and they all devastated. It's hard to know how it feels until you go through it. It feels like your whole world has been rocked, your mum is always there and then suddenly you are on your own. The loss is too big too even get my head round at the moment. I've been doing ok, just get sudden moments where it really hits me hard. I just try to get through them and see how the next day is, there's not a lot else you can do really. I hope Archie is doing ok Jolamine. You take care. X

Simon

Hi Simon,

Thank you for your kind thoughts about Archie. I saw him yesterday. He was brighter in himself, but frustrated in that he has only seen the physio twice since he came out of hospital and she won't allow him to increase his steps yet. In fact, she seems more intent on teaching him how to use a wheelchair, which neither of us are too happy about. I intend to contact the manager of the home to see if he can get more intensive treatment. If not, we are thinking of sending a private physio in, as I feel that the longer he sits in his wheelchair, the more his muscles are wasting.

I think the truth is that you won't get your head around the enormity of losing your mum for a very long time yet. It sounds as if you are actually coping quite well. You are bound to be hit hard from time to time, but you are getting through the days, no matter how hard it is to do this. This really is as much as you can do just now.

Just continue to go from one day to the next.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hi Jolamine, I'm glad to hear Archie is a bit better In himself. I can only imagine how frustrating it is for him though. Especially if he feels like he can do more but the physio isn't restricting him. I can understand what you mean, definitely try and get them to do more if possible. As you said the longer he is in the wheelchair I guess it will be harder for him to start using his feet again. I hope you did manage to contact the manager and they are willing to give Archie more physio.

Yeah at the moment I just seem to be going from one day to the next. I don't feel like I'm struggling and then something sets me off. I know there are reminders everywhere though. It was my mums birthday on Monday which was tough. She was due for retirement at 66 and she was really looking forward to getting her pension. As you said it's just a case of getting through the days for now and at the moment I am managing to get by which is good. Thank you Jolamine, I hope Archie manages to get some more support and can continue his recovery. You take care.

Simon

Hi Simon,

I have had a chat with the manager of Archie's home and she is pushing for more physio for him, although there has been no sign of this yet. I feel the sooner we can get him moving the better his chances will be of walking again.

I can imagine that your mum' birthday was tough. All anniversaries are hard, but particularly in the first year after losing a loved one. You have done well to get through the day. What a great pity that she never quite made it to her retirement. I am glad to hear that you are getting by without struggling too much. You will naturally have times when something triggers and this will set you off for a while. Unfortunately, this is normal.

How is your dad getting on - has he accepted carers yet? I hope that he has, as this will be so much better for all of you.

Thinking of you.

Jolamine 

Hi Jolamine, ah that's good. Hopeful they can organise some more physio for him. As you said before you don't seem to get anywhere these days without asking. You have to push all the time when you want something done! I hope they do manage to sort it out and he can get back to trying to walk again. 

it was tough although I must admit I tried to not think about it where possible. I ended up being more upset the day after. That's probably because I was trying to control it and I know it will come out one way or another. Yes she was really looking forward to retiring. She was one of those unlucky ones where they moved the retirement age so she missed out. She was looking forward to at least getting a couple of payments for her pension but she never managed to make it. She tried her best though and I think she was amazing to do as well as she did. The cancer was in so many places at the end and she was so strong. She will always be my hero. You are right Jolamine, just writing that set me off, it does come out of the blue. You are fine one minute then the tears start again.

My dad is ok thanks. The carers have started now, he gets 3 visits a day. 30 minutes twice and then 20 minutes at night. At the moment they aren't really doing too much for him but I know there will come a point when they are needed so I'm glad they are there. It's more support for me as if something happens it isn't just relying on me. In the end when they had checked his savings he only has to put a tiny amount of money towards the care so he is happy and it does take a little stress of me. Thank you Jolamine. X

Simon
 

Hi Simon,

We have had another week when we couldn't get in to see Archie, but will get in early next week. It doesn't really matter how well we think we have planned for our futures, as we often find that things are taken out of our hands in the end. I was diagnosed just as I turned 60, but I had intended to retire at 50. When my hubby had to retire at 50 after he had a quadruple by-pass, pneumonia and then a stroke, and got no benefits, I had to become the wage earner, with the result that I am still working at 73.

I am sorry that writing aout how strong your mum was set you off tonight, but, as we said before, this is just how it happens - one minute you are fine and then you are in tears again.

I am glad to hear that your dad has accepted the carers this time. He will probably be happier now that he knows that they won't cost him too much and, this should take some pressure off you as well.

Take care.

Jolamine 

Hi Jolamine, I'm sorry to hear that. Hopefully you do get to see him early next week. You are so right, you don't even think about these things. They just happen and you have to deal with them. I'm so sorry to hear about your situation, that must not be easy for you both. It must be very difficult for you still working now but as you said if you have no choice then you have to do it. I wish you could have retired when you wanted to. I think you are an amazing person to still be working plus supporting your husband and still coming on here and helping others. That is very kind of you and is an example for us all!

No worries at all Jolamine, anything can set me off. You are absolutely fine and then something else triggers it. I think it's just about trying to get through it for now as everything is still so raw. Yeah I definitely think it will help me. It was always money and pride with him. He said he doesn't need them and he wouldn't pay so now it's been proven he can't cope and he doesn't have to pay much so he really has no excuse. I'm sure he could find one if he really wanted but for now it is better that they are coming. You take care Jolamine. X

Simon

Hi Simon,

We have managed to book an appointment to see Archie tomorrow. So far, there has been no sign of the other physio and, he has only seen the one that he has been seeing twice since he was discharged from hospital.

Sorry for the delay in replying. Hubby now has Heart Failure, was diagnosed with Vascular Dementia at Christmas and with Parkinsons last week, so this site can belie a release at times. He wasn't well last week, so I couldn't get much done, but seems to be a bit better now.

I hope that you are doing ok.

Regards,

Jolamine xx

Jolamine 

Hi Jolamine, oh no I'm so sorry to hear that. I imagine it is very difficult for you. My thoughts are with you and your husband. I'm sorry that he isn't well. It sounds like you are having a really hard time. I can understand about the site being a release. We really do need to go somewhere and chat when things are getting on top of us. I imagine there is a lot of stress for you with everything going on. If theres ever anything I can help with just let me know. If you need to chat about anything I'm here. Don't worry at all about replying, you do it when you get chance. Life has to come first, you speak when you can, no worries at all. I'm doing ok thanks Jolamine, just taking it day by day.

I hope you managed to see Archie today and he was doing ok. With a bit of luck you can get him to see his regular physio again. It's so frustrating for you with all this Covid, it is really hard to get anything done. Again I'm so sorry to hear about your husband, my thoughts are with you both. I know it must be really difficult for you but I'm here to talk if you need me. X

Simon

HI Simon,

Thank you for your kind offer of help. Unfortunately, there's not much that anyone can do. I try to get on with things as normally as I can. I am currently trying to sell my business, as this would take away a lot of the strain. Unfortunately, with Covid, this is not the best time to sell.

Let's get on to some good news for a change. I got to see Archie yesterday. He has had 2 more Physio appointments. At the last one the Physio had him up walking and, gave him the go ahead to walk with the aid of 2 nurses. He did this for a few days, then decided to try it by himself and, believe it or not, he is now walking again - not very steadily and at quite an angle. I'm absolutely delighted to see this and he feels a great sense of achievement that he has done it.

I hope that all is well with you.

Kind regards,

Jolamine

Hi Jolamine, I know there's not a lot I can do but I'm always here if you need any support. It must be very difficult for you. Trying to sell a business at the moment must be a bit of a nightmare. There's so much going on with Covid and other things. I do wish you all the best and hope you can manage to do that at some point, especially if it will make it easy for you to cope. 
Ah that is good news, you said he was very strong and there he goes again proving it. It sounds like he is full of fight and the fact he is walking again on his own so quickly is great news. I'm sure you all feel a lot better knowing that he is getting back to his old self. It must be very satisfying for him and yourself. I am very pleased for you Jolamine, hopefully he continues with his physio and his waking continues to improve. It sounds like he's doing amazing to be walking so quicky after such a small amount of physio! I'm doing ok, thank you Jolamine. I hope you are managing to cope ok with everything, my thoughts are with you all. You take care. X

Simon