Hi Sigill79, this is my first post on here too as I'm trying anything to ease the suffering my Dad is going through. You sound like a really nice person, caring for your mum & you have your own health problems too. Your mum sounds like she is suffering from side effects of chemotherapy. My Dad is 84 & was like your mum, fit as a fiddle. He worked until he was 78 years old in the building trade. So your mum might be strong enough for next round of chemo because she is fit even though she feels fatigued. My dad is stage 4 palliative care chemo & radio. Unfortunately, they caught my Dads stomach cancer too late & it has spread to his spleen & pancreas & more worryingly in his spinal cord near vital nerves so might lose the use of his legs. Can I ask, is your eating & drinking? Try everything to try to build your mum's strength back up. My Dad has stopped eating & won't drink anything now, not even a cup tea because the steroids have stopped working & everything is making him feel sick. But because he has looked after his body all these, he is some how still fit enough for each chemo session. I think your mum has age on her side & is fit apart from the cancer so hopefully she will bounce back. I would ring McMillan & nutritionists to get advice. That is what I'm going to do on Monday morning because my Dad is only suffering now and he isn't receiving proper palliative care. Please keep me updated. Although this is an absolute horrific subject, it's good to talk. 

Hi Sigill79, this is my first post on here too as I'm trying anything to ease the suffering my Dad is going through. You sound like a really nice person, caring for your mum & you have your own health problems too. Your mum sounds like she is suffering from side effects of chemotherapy. My Dad is 84 & was like your mum, fit as a fiddle. He worked until he was 78 years old in the building trade. So your mum might be strong enough for next round of chemo because she is fit even though she feels fatigued. My dad is stage 4 palliative care chemo & radio. Unfortunately, they caught my Dads stomach cancer too late & it has spread to his spleen & pancreas & more worryingly in his spinal cord near vital nerves so might lose the use of his legs. Can I ask, is your eating & drinking? Try everything to try to build your mum's strength back up. My Dad has stopped eating & won't drink anything now, not even a cup tea because the steroids have stopped working & everything is making him feel sick. But because he has looked after his body all these, he is some how still fit enough for each chemo session. I think your mum has age on her side & is fit apart from the cancer so hopefully she will bounce back. I would ring McMillan & nutritionists to get advice. That is what I'm going to do on Monday morning because my Dad is only suffering now and he isn't receiving proper palliative care. Please keep me updated. Although this is an absolute horrific subject, it's good to talk. 

Hi Mark1978, so sorry to hear about your father. I wish you all the best and hope that the chemo does give him some strength. This is a terrible time and it is difficult to cope. Unfortunately my mum passed away 2 days ago. She battled as much as she could but she was too tired and we had to let her go. I wish you well with your father and hope you manage to get him the proper care he needs. All the best.

Simon

I am so sorry to hear about my your mum passing. It's greatly appreciated that you took the time time to message when you must be heart broken. Take care Simon

Hi Simon,

I must confess that I felt like you when my mum died. I didn’t want her to go, but I couldn’t let her suffer and was glad that she was no longer in pain. Unfortunately, her pain was not well managed, even in the hospice and, I didn’t know enough about cancer at the time, to ask for more help. Eventually, a nurse told me that she felt that mum was suffering more than she was letting on. When I agreed, she asked if I would mind if she gave her an injection. This did ease her pain, but she died 2 hours later.

Don’t worry about crying so much. This is a good stress reliever and will help you to cope at the moment. The tears will gradually fade with time, but there is no hurry. You said ‘I know that she is looking over me and I am sure that she will guide me wherever I am.’ I felt like this too and, if you can hold on to that thought in all you do, you will cope with all that life throws at you from here on, as she will be in your heart forever.

I expect that you won’t have arranged the funeral yet, but I hope that you can hold it soon, as we all dread having to meet family and friends for such an occasion and you cannot really start to grieve until that is behind you.

I imagine that the house seems very quiet and empty at present and it will take time to get used to this. You will find it strange when the hospital bed goes back and the carers are no longer coming, but never feel that you are lost or alone. from what I have got to know of you in the short time we've corresponded, I know that you are a lot stronger than you think and, I am sure that you will continue to make your mum proud in the years to come.

Thinking of you.

Jolamine xx

Hi Jolamine, I'm really sorry that your mum had to go through that. It's really hard to know what to do, you care about them so much and you don't want them to be in pain and yet you can't let them go. I'm so sorry that your mum was in pain. Mums are so tough that they never let on about what they are going through. Whenever I asked my mum how she was she would say I'm alright. She was always trying to protect me and I imagine your mum will be doing the same for you. I'm glad she did get some pain relief but I know that's no consolation as you lost her 2 hours later. I'm so sorry.

The tears do come and they are very random. The slightest thing can set you off and yet other times you feel more in control. I think as you said there is a certain numbness at the moment. I don't quite feel like it's all happening, it feels like I'm not really there. I do believe mum is watching over me. I will hold on to that as I know she will give me the strength to get through this no matter how hard it gets. Yes the funeral hasn't been arranged yet, I believe it will be hopefully organised this week. I don't think you can properly grieve either, too many things going on at the moment. I know once the funeral is over it will fully hit me then. I'm not looking forward to the funeral, I feel like I will break down. I know I need to do it for my mum though.

Thank you again for your caring words. It does feel very empty at the moment. I didn't mind the bed staying the first night but I'm not sure its helping now. I think mum is in the sky looking over me so the bed doesn't really signify anything now. It will be very different once everything has gone though and nobody comes round. I think that's when I will need to be really strong. Thanks Jolamine, that is really nice of you. I don't feel strong but I'm sure with my mum with me I will get through this. My mum always said I will get through this and I want to try and make her proud and show her I can do it. Thank you so much. X

Simon 

HI Simon,

I only wish that I had known as much about cancer when my mum was alive as I do now. This has only come with personal experience and 2 bouts of breast cancer in the past 11 years. I am fortunate in that I am still living a busy and fulfilled life. Both of our mums seem to have been very strong right to the end. Sadly, mum wasn't in the hospice long enough for her care team to get to know her properly and, she never let on just how much pain she was in. Knowing her as I did, I could see it in her eyes.

Don't worry how random your tears are at the moment. Sometimes, it's the slightest thing that will set you off. Still, you need this release valve to stop you breaking down altogether. You will find a certain numbness at present, yes, but you will also be in denial that she has gone, to some extent. It probably feels at times as if it is happening to someone else and you are just looking on.

I doubt that the bed will be left in the house for long. My mum-in-law's bed was removed just 2 days after she died. I was glad, because I think that my father-in-law found it hard to cope with it being there afterwards.

None of us look forward to a funeral, especially for someone you hold so dear to you. You will get through it for your mum's sake and, I am sure that you will do her proud. Have you thought bout what type of funeral you want for her, or what readings, hymns/songs you would like? Are you going to have someone to stand up and say something about her life, or are you going to leave this to the celebrant? There are a lot of things that you could be thinking of in advance of booking the funeral.

You are right that the hard time will come afterwards, when the house is quiet and there are no carers popping in, but you will cope with this. Don't look too far ahead for now. Take things day by day, or even hour by hour, if need be.

Take care.

Jolamine xx

Hi Jolamine, I'm so sorry to hear that. You sound like a very strong person to go through what you have. I'm glad you are doing ok although I'm sure it is very tough. My thoughts are with you and I hope you continue to be ok. It is very difficult isn't it. We are very lucky now to have so much informatIon available to us. Sometimes it almost feels like too much but I'm glad it's there. There are also very kind people like yourself that help me through this and explain what may happen through experience. I can only imagine how hard it was for you when you didn't have access to any help. I think your mum does always hide pain but as you said you do know when something isn't right and you can tell with the eyes.

It really does at times, it's almost like it's not really happened. I've gone through it but it's not quite real. The main thing I get is sudden waves of panic when I released what's happened. I  think it's too much to take in all at once, it's so final I can't even begin to wrap my head round it. I do understand when you say take it an hour at a time because you really don't know how you will feel from one minute to the next. It is a rollercoaster.

They have said they are going to pick up the bed and the oxygen on Wednesday. I'm not sure how I will feel when it's gone but I know it probably doesn't help having it there as a constant reminder. I'm sorry your Father-In-Law found it difficult. Sometimes I think it helps and other times I think I'm just clinging on and need to let it go. I know my mum isn't there anymore, she's looking over me now so the bed doesn't really mean anything now.

I am worried about the funeral but I will try and cope for mum. I don't want to break down although I know I will be devastated. My mum was never too fond of any hymns but my sister knows a song she would like so I said I'm happy with whatever she would like. I thought about standing up but I'm not sure I could do it without breaking down. I think we will leave it to the person who is doing the service. We unfortunately had a family member who passed away last year and there was a lady who did a really good service so I think my mum would like to have her do it if possible. There is a lot to think about, we are registering her death tomorrow so I think we will go down to the funeral directors then to finalise the details. Thank you so much for all your support Jolamine. X

Simon 

Hi Simon,

I'm glad to hear that they are picking up the bed and oxygen on Wednesday. It will seem strange at first, but the sooner it's done the better. I am sure that you will cope with the funeral, if only for your mum's sake. Don't worry about the possibility of breaking down. There is no shame if you do. Remember that this is all very 'new' to you. I am glad to hear that you know of a good celebrant. We has a humanist ceremony for both of my in-laws and the celebrant was really good.

They were both keen ballroom dancers, so we played some of their favourite songs instead of hymns and then we read some poetry. There is no point in pushing yourself to speak if you don't feel that you could do it. What a lot of people do is to write down what they want to say. If they feel like speaking at the funeral on the day they can. If not the celebrant can say that this is what you want to say, provided that she has a copy in advance.

If you are registering the death tomorrow, do you know about The Tell-us-once Service? It is worth looking at this before you go, as they can notify a lot of different people for you. If you want them to do this, you'll have to bring the necessary papers with you - this site will tell you more about it:-(www.gov.uk/.../organisations-you-need-to-contact-and-tell-us-once). You can also do this on-line afterwards, but if you have everything with you tomorrow, the registrar will do it all for you when you are there.

I hope that you manage to get everything you need to get done tomorrow. I'm sure that you'll feel happier once you've got the funeral arranged.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hi Jolamine, yes I think once the bed is gone it will be better. It is a constant reminder at the moment as soon as you walk in. I think I found it helpful at first but I'm not sure it is now. Thank you, I hope I will be able to get through the funeral, I'm sure I will for my mum but I know it will be tough. That sounds really good, I believe the woman we want to use is a humanist too. I do like that as the services can be whatever you want and don't have to be too traditional. It sounds like you had a really nice service. I think it's nice that you don't have to do the traditional things and you can play the music you like. My mum never mentioned any hymns specifically so I think she would prefer a nice song.

I think I will probably leave it to the person holding the service. I did want to speak but I know that my mum knows what I want to say. I think I might be adding more stress on to a already very difficult situation. Thank you for that Jolamine, when mum passed they did give us a bereavement pack which told us about that tell it once service. We did that over the phone I believe. I know you can't go anywhere with Covid at the moment. I had never heard about it before so I'm glad it is available. There would be nothing worse than keep getting letters and phone calls for mum now. The funeral directors are going to come round on Thursday to discuss everything. I think I will feel better once I know when it will be so I can try and prepare myself. Thank you so much. X

Simon

Hi Simon,

Yes, both of our services were really personal and, I'm sure, would have been my in-law's choice had they been able to make it. The gentleman came out and visited us to get a potted history of their lives. He took various memories from different members of the family, then sent us a copy for us to amend before the service. Although he had only met my father-in-law once and never met my mother-in-law, he spoke as if he had known them for his entire life. I hope that your lady does the same for your mum.

I am glad to hear that you have the funeral directors coming round on Thursday. It always feels better to have that organised and to get some time to prepare yourself mentally for it. If you feel that speaking at the funeral would be too big an ordeal, don't forget that the celebrant can say anything that you might want to say on your behalf. I am glad that you had already found out about the Tell-Us-Once Service. It should be especially helpful at present, when you don't want to have to travel to too many places.

It's good to hear that the bed and oxygen are being uplifted tomorrow.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Hi Jolamine, that does sound very nice. It must be difficult to speak but it's good to know that they are very friendly and want to help you. Hopefully the people we get are the same. There's so many good things I can say about my mum I wouldn't know where to start but hopefully they can guide us with that. If they send us a copy before that would be nice.

I am not liking forward to the funeral directors coming but I know it needs sorting out so better to get it done. I think it's because it all feels so real and at the moment it's like I'm not quite there. I think it will be good to prepare and know what to expect. I'm not sure whether we can say a few words or they will write it for us, I think we will find out more tomorrow. Yes I didn't know about that service. It's definitely very helpful, much better to let everyone know at once rather than getting upsetting calls of people are asking for her. With the Covid as well everything is difficult these days, nobody wants to let anybody in if they can help it! They did take the bed Jolamine but not the oxygen. That is being picked up tomorrow. It does feel strange without the bed but I am glad it's not there now. I don't think it was helping. Thank you so much for all your support Jolamine. X

Simon