Hi [@Lmmrose]‍ , noticed it was you who had commented on my post about my mum. how is your mum? And how are you? Thinking of you all xx

Hi mum turned 60 yesterday. I'm pleased she go there. I think that would of been a milestone for her.  She is very tired at the mo. And a bit swollen. She's not eating very much. And what she does eat she seems to bring up or down. 

I'm ok. Just feel useless. And I feel guilty as I just feel like I'm waiting. Of course I don't want her to go but I know shes not getting better.  It's just so hard seeing her like she is now. And everytime I leave I have to say goodbye just incase. 

We are now 3 weeks in to. ' weeks not months '

Good morning [@Lmmrose]‍ 

I'm so, so sorry to hear about your mum. I have been reading your posts, and I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing? How is your mum feeling?

Having been through something similar with my mum very, very recently, I genuinely understand how absolutely heartbreaking is to be told there is nothing further there can be done, but also how shocking it is to have this news given to you when it comes from something you think is an illness that can be treated. My mum was admitted into hospital, with a suspected chest infection, after various scans, she was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer, that had already spread to spine, and brain. We were told there was nothing that could be done, and my mum was too weak to have any palliative treatments. She was 55 years old.

I wondered if maybe you had been able to spend time with your mum yet? My advice if you're able is to just see her as much as you can. It's moments that you will both treasure so much. Are you able to have help with your mum's care? 

Sending you a lot of love, strength and good thoughts for you and your mum. I hope you get to spend the time with your mum you both truly deserve. If you need a chat, please message me. I have found this forum unbelievably helpful, and full of wonderfully kind humans who have a very good idea of what it is that you're going through. You aren't alone in this XXX

Thank u for Ur kind words. 

It was her birthday yesterday. She turned 60. She is ok. Seems in good spirits. She is very tired.  My dad is with her and coping well. She has a carer in twice a day to wash and change her.  She take about an hour to recover after this each time.  She seems to feel sick at the moment. I'm not sure if that is not expected. She is eating very little. And what she does It goes up or down. 

I am seeing her when I can. I've done the last two long weekends with her. So I have spent time with them.  I have to say goodbye everytime I leave. Just incase.

I feel a bit confused sometimes. I know it's good to stay positive . But mum talks of going in the garden in the summer. Or about my daughter's birthday in September. Which I find hard.   We are now in week 3 of 'weeks not months' and I know shes not getting better.

I feel like I'm looking for signs for the end. But then I feel guilty. I think it's my way of just trying to prepare myself. 

How are u doing x

I'm so happy she got to spend her birthday at home with your Dad. I'm sure that made her really happy. Its also good that your Dad is having support with the caring side, because that can be quite tricky sometimes emtionally, and also because he doesn't have a full understanding of what she needs at any given time, and their job is just purely to make your mum as comfortable as possible. 

its good that you're able to see her when you can, you genuinely will cherish this even though its so heartbreaking to see your mum unwell. 

Is your mum on medication, or strong pain relief? The carers at the hospice said that this was adding to my mums confusion - she often said to me that she didn't understand where she was, or why she was there which absolutely broke my heart every single time. But then other times, she was very pragmatic and told me she was very aware that she was approaching her last days and just sat and held my hand. Both are really difficult to deal with. 

I think the natural reaction for you, as you love your mum so much is not want to see her prolonged pain so please do not feel guity for this. I think it will be very much a common feeling for those of us on this forum who have experienced seeing someone suffering from such a cruel diagnosis. I guess its just really important to feel every single thing you're feeling, even if you think its a weird emotion, if that makes any sense?! 

I am doing okay, some hours are definately much harder than others, and I am still at the part where i am very much up and down, and the slightest thing like a smell triggers me into crying. My days usually involve a lot of very deep breaths when I feel overwhelmed, and just focussing on the fact I actually got to say everything I needed/wanted to say to her after her diagnosis in person, rather than on the phone. Unfortunately, we have a huge wait until my mums funeral, she passed away on the 4th March, and her service is on the 8th April, I do not think that has helped but given everything going on, unfortunately its just how it is for so many grieving families. 

XXX

I can't imagine how u feel right now. I am so sorry. 

I'm right there with u with the ups and downs though. I feel I take a lot of deep breaths at the mo. Tears just keep coming without warning from no where. But then I guess it's constantly on our minds. 

She is on 2 types morphine. And a few others which are for clotting and toilet movements I think. 

She was given a big boost of antibiotics in the hosp to get her home. But the tablet ones stopped a couple of days ago. So maybe it's held the infection at bay for now.

In some ways she seems better, she doesn't seem as in much pain which is brilliant, and her speech is improving from the stroke.  But her thighs, tummy and arm have swollen. And she gets really slurry and bit confused in the evening. 

She is pretty much bed bound other then going to the commode next to her. But every other day she will want to walk to the living room. Coz she says she doesn't want to lose mobility. But it really takes it out of her. She has to stop many times and watching her really struggling to breathe. I can't help but just want her to stay in bed . But I know she needs to have these little Victorys herself. 

It's all so confusing.  As brutal as it sounds. I just think if she is walking and talking and eating. It's not today.... Does that make sense..? 

I don't think any of it makes sense at the moment.

That is a long time to wait for Ur mum's funeral. That can't be easy. Just take a day as comes. I'm sure theyl be up and downs. There's no wrong or right x

That is brilliant she isn't in as much pain, at least she is comfortable. most important thing for her at the moment. 

I love your mums spirit, and that she wants to still get up and go to the living room but i can see why it that is very destressing for you to see how much it is taking it out of her. 

I agree with you, and it makes a lot of sense that you feel that way. I think the hard thing with doctors giving timescales is that sometimes they are just not accurate, because each case is just so different, and you can end up mentally checking off the days in your mind. I know that i did that with my mum and I had to tell myself to just stop and enjoy the moments that I could. That is very, very unbelievably difficult though. 

I genuinely have so much sympathy for you, and I think your advice to me is perfect. You just sadly have to take each day as it comes, plenty of deep breaths, and remember to take care of yourself too. That is really important and definately what your mum would want for you. 

XXX

Hi, aw bless her, glad she was able to see her 60th. Such a cruel world we live in and seeing our most precious people going through what they are. I get how you feel, I'm feeling the exact same way at the minute. My mum is in a very similar way to yours very tired etc. I hate the fact that we're just waiting, and seeing her suffering, she is in so much pain still. Mum is in week 2 of weeks.  Make sure you are eating and drinking well to keep your strength up. Xx

Hi, aw bless her, glad she was able to see her 60th. Such a cruel world we live in and seeing our most precious people going through what they are. I get how you feel, I'm feeling the exact same way at the minute. My mum is in a very similar way to yours very tired etc. I hate the fact that we're just waiting, and seeing her suffering, she is in so much pain still. Mum is in week 2 of weeks.  Make sure you are eating and drinking well to keep your strength up. Xx