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I can’t cope with losing my beautiful mum

Discopig
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Hello,

my lovely mum was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer on 21st December. She's 71 and I'm 41. She's a legend and as I type she is lying in the next room fading away. We brought her home to die Friday before last and it has been a roller coaster ride ever since. Visitors, laughter, realisations, anxiety, arguments between myself, my sister and my dad. My mum would have been devastated about the arguing, she is such a gorgeous caring person it breaks my heart that she may know what is going on. My sister, my dad and me are all handling this very differently; I couldn't have the conversations I wanted with my mum when she was diagnosed as she and my sister were trying to remain positive, any reminiscing, getting upset or wanting comfort was frowned upon. My dad however had already planned mums funeral and is trying to gain access to her bank accounts and generally making us feel very uncomfortable in 'his' house which incidentally is our childhood home. I'm losing my temper due to exhaustion and anger about how badly my mum was treated by her go and hospital while trying to get a diagnosis but that is another story. 
 

im reaching out because the pain of watching mum disappear is unbearable but I'm also fearful of what's to come.I love my mum so much, she is my favourite person, always has been, always will be. I'm struggling to stay here to be with mum because of my dads bizarre behaviour; timing mine and my sisters children in the shower, walking in on me, my sister and our children in the shower constantly - just to be clear this is not a perve thing, it's a control thing, he's trying to dehumanise us and make us feel like we need to go by making sure we have no privacy. He's a bad person but I do believe he loves mum. She certainly loves him, pretty sure she would have been devastated about how he's treating us all. He's also not good at caring, in fact he barely spent anytime with mum whilst she was awake and mobile when we got home from the hospital. All this nonsense is clouding what I should be concentrating on - my mum. Making sure I give her a beautiful last few hours. The nurse reckons 24-48. I love my mum so much and she deserves so much more than this, I can't stand the thought of her frightened an£ alone. My dad insisted on a night nurse which I want to leave as lovely as she is and sit by mum myself. She may not be here in the morning.

Please, if anyone has some helpful words I need them ️

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    Discoping

    Hello I am so sorry to read about your lovely mum,and I feel for you and your family ,having to go through this difficult time. 

    Grief is a complex thing,and no two people handle it the same way, what seems right to one person can seem wrong in another's eyes. 

    Grief can change us and we don't see it ,but others do. Our heads are so full of sadness and trying to do the best we can  for our sick loved ones  and when there is a lot of close family members  rallying round to do just this,it can seem chaotic. I lost my husband ,( he commited suicide) in 1997 he had just turned 41,my son was 12,my daughter 15. We went and stayed with my mum,and I had simular things done and said to me and my children, about taking to long in bath or shower,asking me to pay phone bills and electric. I took all of my food out of my freezer to put  it into my mums to help.out. it was hard at the time,but when I look back now I realise  it was my mums  grief  that was causing her to behave in this way.  It's never easy  but just try to let the things that annoy you slide. Spend the time you have left with your mum ,showing your lovely mum how much you all care, by being tolerate of your father how ever hard that is,you must put your mums feelings  before your own.By doing this you know when that dreaded hour comes ,you will know in your heart  you did all you could.Please be there for your sister  and your father too,he is also going to feel lost  without your mum  as will.you both. You will get through this,you have your precious memories of the love your mother gave to you all ,and you to her and no one can ever take that away from you..  Sending you a big  hug xxxx

  • Offline in reply to Jassoscared

    Thank you for reply jassoscared ️ It's really helpful to get that outside perspective and good advice. I'm so sorry for your loss, I hope you and your children have found some solice and have more happy moments than sad.

     

    mum is now hours away and the loud purring noise that is coming from her seems to be strangely comforting as it means she is still here ️

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    I'm so sorry to hear about your lovely mum, I know how you feel, it's absolutely heartbreaking to watch. 

    I think grief is a very bizarre thing, everyone goes through it very differently. I am unfortunately in a very similar position to you, where my mum has days, if not hours left with us. My dad is very emotional, but also getting very angry with everything, my brother is pretending everything is fine and in a couple of weeks we will all just remember mum for what an amazing person she was and go back to normal, and I am a complete mess, struggling to eat or drink and just absolutely exhausted. None of these ways is right, none of them are wrong either though. 

    I think times like this are so tough for everyone, and I think to some extent it's easier said than done, but just try to stop any arguments as you see them about to start as you need your energy for being with your mim. Whatever your views on your dad, he obviously has been with your lovely mum for a long time, and have two childr nbtogether. He is more than likely absolutely heartbroken but also anxious about the new chapter in his life going forward with her not there.

    I hope this helps in some way. Wishing you so much strength for the next few days and months. If you want to chat let me know x

  • Offline in reply to Newlife101

    Thank you newlife101 ️ 
     

    now my lovely mum has passed the world is very alien, everything is very wrong.

     

    I hope you enjoy your mum for as long as you can ️ I would give anything for another day with mine. The best advice I have had is to not try to be the same person as before, this will change you. My heart really goes out to you. Make sure you take time for you too, I'm sure your mum would want that ️ 

  • Offline in reply to Discopig

    I am so so so sorry to hear your news about your mum. I'm sending you so much love and strength for the coming times ahead. Your mum would want you to continue and be happy, even though I know the word happy seems unbelievably alien right now.

    Take care of yourself, if you ever want to chat. I'm here xx

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     disco pig - sending you the biggest virtual hug. I wonder if she has gone yet? If she has I hope you got to,sit by her and hold her hand.  I expect there will be more unrest and arguing after too but know I've been through this with my mum. My dad behaved in a way I didn't like too but I've learnt that in judging him and being angry is only hurting me.  Dealing with death makes us all not ourselves and your mum's generation had v different expectations of their partners compared with now when Hollywood has filled us with inaccessible dreams! I've never met a man like those in the movies ! So,if u can try not to judge and speak your truth and desires calmly and your dad will hear you more easily. Passing is like childbirth it never goes according to plan - be kind to yourself you are going through a v very difficult time. Your name suggests you are super fun ...... I hope you get back to that soonx much love

  • Offline in reply to mummawoodsy

    Thank you mummawoodsy  ️ Yes she passed on Tuesday we were all there together at her side holding her, begging her not to go. my sister and I are clinging to each other since, gathering and sharing memories. There are moments of extreme agony where restlessness and panic set in. I try to enjoy the numbness when it comes, the world is no longer bright and shiny but at times tolerable. Very early days, this is the longest I haven't spoken to her for. I'm finding myself reading poetry and trying to find solace in other peoples words, I have bought a journal to find my own - not started yet but that's the plan. Thank you for your lovely words. One day I will tell my dad what he put us through and not just during my mums painful journey but growing up with someone so cold, my mum was both parents wrapped into one. It sounds so cliche but just really was the most wonderful person with the most tremendous outlook on life, I'm going to try to copy those behaviours whilst I heal. My sister is being amazing and I don't know what would have become of me without her ️ 
     

    thank you again for replying, I am finding the comfort from strangers to be extremely helpful ️

  • Offline in reply to Newlife101

    Thank you newlife101, you brought me comfort with this ️ I'm struggling to speak to even my closest friends, I didn't through mums illness so it seems too much to go through again. My sister is my tower of strength and I hope to be hers ️ I will take you up on that chat in the future I'm sure xx

  • Offline in reply to Discopig

    Newlife101 I've seen your heartbreaking news on another thread; I'm so incredibly sorry. Please reach out to me  if you need a chat/rant/cry/scream. You have been so incredibly strong, please be kind to yourself. It's so important to be kind to yourself, you've been through the worst time. Thinking about you xx

  • Offline in reply to Discopig

    [@Discopig]‍ thank you so much ️ 

    The past few days, seeing my mum how she was, was heartbreaking. She wasn't my mum anymore. When she passed away, we were all with her. I felt sorrow for myself as I'll never get to hug her, but relief for her. She was ready to go, and she told me that, actually several times. 

    I'm just so thankful she was with us, we managed to speak to her and tell her how much we loved each other and care for her. I'd feel so differently if she had still been in hospital. She wasn't being cared for properly there because they simply didn't have capacity for end of life care given everything going on.

    How are you doing today? XX

     

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