I just found out my dads cancer is terminal

Hi 

I am not really sure what I'm doing writing this, my dad has had colon cancer which has spread to his liver for a few months until yesterday he was told it is terminal and they are stopping any treatment  - he is in prison and obviously with Covid restrictions still in place this update I'm jusy finding this whole thing extremely difficult to navigate - I'm 20 and I have been fortunate enough that this is sadly my first experience with a close death at an adult age. 
 

The doctor recommended not to know how long he has left and I understand that completely as did he (not necessarily good for his mental health whilst he's sitting in a cell alone) however I can't help but be desperate to know just to try and have some control of the situation as my family are trying to get him either compassionate release or moved to a hospice etc. All I know is that the doctor said "not long" 

 
 

I haven't seen him since January because of the Covid restrictions and I am supposed to be seeing him next week. All I know is that he is 11 stone and needs a friend to help him put on his shoes and socks out of not having the energy  (whenever I asked him directly how he was he would say fine and that he's just a bit sore) however speaking to my wider family who he has confided in I know that he is going to be looking very different - usually a tall (6'2) strong man. 

His cancer was operable and treatable but due to Covid and treatment possibly being slightly delayed on both the hosptil and prison side of things - I'm frustrated and mad but also I know that many people have unfortunately been dealt this really *** card and worse during Covid 

 

the cancer is in his colon liver and spreading I believe, I know he is weak and tired with not a real appetite at all. When speaking to him on the phone he will sound great at first and by the end of a 2 minute conversation he will have seemed to have tired himself out and be slurring and exhausted 

 

 

I guess I'm just posting this on the off chance anyone is in even a slightly similar situation / knows of how long he possibly may have left ? I just want to have some control ove the situation I wouldn't ever tell him, because I'm currently spending my days trying to contact various MPs and I need to know if I have enough time to try and get him in a comfortable space.  I'm just honestly overwhelmed with the whole situation and I don't know where to start all I know that the thought of him sitting in there alone every night uncomfortable and scared is making me feel sick. 
 

any advice on how to process / talking to him about it would be appreciated 

 

also just needed a place to see everything written down as Matter of fact rather than emotions and events so thanks 

  • Hello 191299999

    I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad's diagnosis and the situation that you find yourselves in. I can only imagine how hard it must be for you all. 

    I hope that your visit with him next week brings you some comfort. 
    I wonder if you might find it helpful to talk things through with our team of nurses. Sometimes it can help to talk to someone about a situation and I'm sure that they will be able to offer you some advice and support. If you'd like to speak to them then they are available Monday to Friday 9am to 5pm on 0808 800 4040. 

    You're most welcome to continue posting here on the fourm if it helps to have this safe space to put things into writing. I'm sure that the community will do all they can to support you. 

    Best wishes, 
    Jenn
    Cancer Chat moderator

  • Weirdly, I am in the same situation, I have just found out from my mum that my dad has been diagnosed with secondary liver cancer. He had been complaining of weight loss, lack of appetite and abdominal pain for weeks. He went for an ultrasound and they found dark patches on his liver, he had a CT scan Monday and got the results yesterday. 
     

    He too is in prison and is due to be released next week after a long time. I haven't spoken to him in all the time. Supported my mum through it all however forgiveness on my part is lacking and am now in complete limbo.

     

    I don't have much advice for you, and you seem to doing the right things - contacting your MP etc. One thing that does go along way is having your dad talk to the prison chaplain or if you can get into contact with them, a recommendation from them goes a long way in those sorts of descisions.

     

    Only other thing I can offer you is virtual hugs and thoughts.

     

    UserUnkown

  • Thank you for your kind words and advice, I hope that you Dna find some peace with your dad -as I too have had a very complicated realtionship with mine over the years (he's been in since I was 6, now I'm 20 so we've never had the opportunity to interact as adults in a normal environment), I hope that you and your family are  doing okay, sending my thoughts your wayX