Hi Ruth,

I am so terribly sorry to hear of your difficult situation; having a sick parent is extremely hard at the best of times, but a pandemic makes it exponentially harder to deal with. It does feel like an impossible situation, but there’s no right or wrong answer, and any decision you come to will not make you a terrible person, despite how it may feel. 

The UK have higher numbers of COVID-19 cases than Germany; I don't feel as though you travelling a short distance (and taking the necessary precautions) to Germany would necessarily put your wife and daughter at a higher risk than if they were to go grocery shopping in the UK (unless they're immunocompromised or fall into a high risk category, and are isolating as a result?). 

I lost my mum just under two months ago and, like you, I was terrified of visiting her and potentially exposing her to COVID-19. Although she had terminal/untreatable cancer, it was only stage 2, so I initially refrained from visiting her; I knew she could still have some time left, and I didn't want to put her life at risk. However, I quickly discovered that the very presence of cancer puts immense strain on the body's defense mechanisms, and the situation can change rapidly. My mum's health deteriorated with little warning, and she died from comborbid causes her body would have ordinarily fought off in isolation, had cancer not been present. I initially stayed away from the hospital, and I regret it, but I felt equally as guilty when I did visit (and for days I sat three metres away, awkwardly, while she begged me to come closer - it was awful). It's impossible to know how to act, and make appropriate decisions, because we aren't exactly well-versed on how to exist during a pandemic, ha. 

I had an honest discussion with my mum about my concerns, and she begged me to visit, and to hug and hold her. I think she knew she didn't have long left (as did my gut), and I feel she deserved autonomy and being allowed to make decisions on whether to see her family. We subsequently spent a wonderful week together before passed away, but I wish I had been there sooner. Perhaps you, too, could have a discussion with your mum about your (very valid concerns)? Do you know what the doctors have said about her prognosis, or the possibility of you visiting? That may help your decision and to see whether visiting is worth the risk. Ultimately, our situations are different, and only you know what's best for your family. I do however feel that time is everything when you don't have much of it left. 

All the very best to you and your mum xx

Dear yellowwoman, 

thank you so much for taking the time to read/respond to my post!

I'm very sorry about your mum, I can't even begin to imagine how difficult it must have been to deal with all this in the midst of COVID-19. I've also read you other post about your upcoming cervical biopsy, so for everthing you're going through I'm sending lots of positive thoughts and energy your way!

I talked to my mum on the phone this morning - we had a dicussion about the pros and cons and the practicalities of my potential visit. She essentially said that she knows she probably doesn't have much time left, so even though she is aware there's a risk with me visiting, she wants me to come. Her house has enough space, incl. two full bathrooms, etc., so we'll be able to minimise the risk, at least. She'd already had a chat about going shopping/taking other risks with her oncologist, who essentially said that she should be careful, of course, but that she should also do the things she enjoys, incl. visiting my dad in the care home and seeing family for as long as she still can. 

So, the decision is made - I've already booked the flights (I'd already discussed potential dates with my partner), plus 8 nights in a hotel here to isolate in once I'm back. 

But while I feel that this is the right call, it is now causing severe tension in my relationship, my partner has not really spoken to me all day.

My wife/daughter are not immunocompromised, so we haven't been shielding but we've been extremely careful - we can both work from home and since our daughther's been off school, we've only been out for a couple of walks when it was fairly quiet, plus we've been making good use of our tiny back yard (we get our groceries delivered). 

My wife suffers from anxiety (incl. fear of flying), and while she's been able to manage well during lockdown, the easing of restrictions is causing extreme stress for her. An additional complication is that her dad (who also lived in Germany) passed away unexpectedly in February (heart-attack) so there are unprocessed feelings of grief and a potential resentment towards me at play as well (I've seen my mum three times since her diagnosis, and if all goes according to plan, I'll see her again soon, while she didn't have this luxury with her dad). I feel bad about this, guilty, but not visiting my mum wouldn't change the facts about her dad... 

I feel like my partner resents me for choosing my mum over her/my daughter (I know it's not that straightforward, and she does as well, but I think this is what her emotional state boils down to atm). Had I decided not to go, things here wouldn't be as tense, but I know I would have felt even crappier than I do now... I can only hope that my partner will come around - it hurt so much when she told me this morning 'If you're back here and we get a phone call about your mum, don't come crying to me because you're not there!' - I know she said it because she is still grieving for her dad, she is angry because everything seems so unfair and all this COVID-related uncertainty doesn't help, but it still hurts and I'm afraid she won't be (able to be) there for me when I need her.

So it's good to know that this forum exists - I'm pretty sure you'll hear from me again... 

xx