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Visiting mum with terminal cancer in Germany

Ruth1980
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Dear all, 

I came across this forum when googling - I'm pretty down atm, and I'm hoping to get some advice on what seems to be an impossible situation. 

I'll try to keep it brief: I'm German, but have been living in the UK for a couple of years now (because of my job). Early last year, my mum (who's in her late 60s and lives in Germany) was diagnosed with terminal peritoneal cancer. She's been through two rounds of brutal chemo, now she is on some medication (she couldn't tell me what) that will hopefully keep things at bay somewhat. The side effects (swollen legs, nausea, low haemoglobin, sore mouth, to name a few) are difficult for her, but she's hanging in there. She's been living alone for the past year (my dad is in his 70s, suffering from dementia, and has been in a care home since her diagnosis), and so far she's been able to manage. 

With the lockdown/whole corona-virus situation, me and my family here in the UK have been putting off the decision about our flights to Germany for our usual summer visit but now it seems that my partner has made up her mind - she does not want to travel atm. I completely get this but it puts me in a difficult position - I do not know how long my mum has left (my gut feeling tells me to not waste any time), so I do have the urge to visit her (calls/video chats are just not the same, as I'm sure many of you know). On the other hand, I do not want to put my mum or my family (wife and daughter) here at risk by travelling right now. My partner also said it wouldn't be okay for me to go to Germany and then just come back to our home without having isolated somewhere first, which also puts more financial pressure on me (I'm doing okay since I've been able to work from home, so I'm on my full salary, but it's not like I have plenty left over at the end of the month). I do get my partner's concerns but it doesn't make the situation any easier.

I've read a couple of other threads on here and want to say that I think it's amazing that this forum exits - there is so much compassion and strength on here!

I'm usually quite good at making decisions and dealing with difficult situations but this one is bad. No matter how much thinking I do, no matter how many lists I make, I can't come up with a decision I feel I can go through with without feeling either like a *** daughter, or a *** partner/parent, or a *** person altogether. Of course, it doesn't help that corona-related information/advice/regulations are changing constantly...

Any words of advice, or just a couple of kind words, would be greatly appreciated!

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    Hi Ruth,

     

    I am so terribly sorry to hear of your difficult situation; having a sick parent is extremely hard at the best of times, but a pandemic makes it exponentially harder to deal with. It does feel like an impossible situation, but there’s no right or wrong answer, and any decision you come to will not make you a terrible person, despite how it may feel. 

     

    The UK have higher numbers of COVID-19 cases than Germany; I don't feel as though you travelling a short distance (and taking the necessary precautions) to Germany would necessarily put your wife and daughter at a higher risk than if they were to go grocery shopping in the UK (unless they're immunocompromised or fall into a high risk category, and are isolating as a result?). 


    I lost my mum just under two months ago and, like you, I was terrified of visiting her and potentially exposing her to COVID-19. Although she had terminal/untreatable cancer, it was only stage 2, so I initially refrained from visiting her; I knew she could still have some time left, and I didn't want to put her life at risk. However, I quickly discovered that the very presence of cancer puts immense strain on the body's defense mechanisms, and the situation can change rapidly. My mum's health deteriorated with little warning, and she died from comborbid causes her body would have ordinarily fought off in isolation, had cancer not been present. I initially stayed away from the hospital, and I regret it, but I felt equally as guilty when I did visit (and for days I sat three metres away, awkwardly, while she begged me to come closer - it was awful). It's impossible to know how to act, and make appropriate decisions, because we aren't exactly well-versed on how to exist during a pandemic, ha. 

     

    I had an honest discussion with my mum about my concerns, and she begged me to visit, and to hug and hold her. I think she knew she didn't have long left (as did my gut), and I feel she deserved autonomy and being allowed to make decisions on whether to see her family. We subsequently spent a wonderful week together before passed away, but I wish I had been there sooner. Perhaps you, too, could have a discussion with your mum about your (very valid concerns)? Do you know what the doctors have said about her prognosis, or the possibility of you visiting? That may help your decision and to see whether visiting is worth the risk. Ultimately, our situations are different, and only you know what's best for your family. I do however feel that time is everything when you don't have much of it left. 

     

    All the very best to you and your mum xx

  • Offline in reply to yellowwoman

    Dear yellowwoman, 

     

    thank you so much for taking the time to read/respond to my post!

     

    I'm very sorry about your mum, I can't even begin to imagine how difficult it must have been to deal with all this in the midst of COVID-19. I've also read you other post about your upcoming cervical biopsy, so for everthing you're going through I'm sending lots of positive thoughts and energy your way!

     

    I talked to my mum on the phone this morning - we had a dicussion about the pros and cons and the practicalities of my potential visit. She essentially said that she knows she probably doesn't have much time left, so even though she is aware there's a risk with me visiting, she wants me to come. Her house has enough space, incl. two full bathrooms, etc., so we'll be able to minimise the risk, at least. She'd already had a chat about going shopping/taking other risks with her oncologist, who essentially said that she should be careful, of course, but that she should also do the things she enjoys, incl. visiting my dad in the care home and seeing family for as long as she still can. 

     

    So, the decision is made - I've already booked the flights (I'd already discussed potential dates with my partner), plus 8 nights in a hotel here to isolate in once I'm back. 

     

    But while I feel that this is the right call, it is now causing severe tension in my relationship, my partner has not really spoken to me all day.

    My wife/daughter are not immunocompromised, so we haven't been shielding but we've been extremely careful - we can both work from home and since our daughther's been off school, we've only been out for a couple of walks when it was fairly quiet, plus we've been making good use of our tiny back yard (we get our groceries delivered). 

    My wife suffers from anxiety (incl. fear of flying), and while she's been able to manage well during lockdown, the easing of restrictions is causing extreme stress for her. An additional complication is that her dad (who also lived in Germany) passed away unexpectedly in February (heart-attack) so there are unprocessed feelings of grief and a potential resentment towards me at play as well (I've seen my mum three times since her diagnosis, and if all goes according to plan, I'll see her again soon, while she didn't have this luxury with her dad). I feel bad about this, guilty, but not visiting my mum wouldn't change the facts about her dad... 

     

    I feel like my partner resents me for choosing my mum over her/my daughter (I know it's not that straightforward, and she does as well, but I think this is what her emotional state boils down to atm). Had I decided not to go, things here wouldn't be as tense, but I know I would have felt even crappier than I do now... I can only hope that my partner will come around - it hurt so much when she told me this morning 'If you're back here and we get a phone call about your mum, don't come crying to me because you're not there!' - I know she said it because she is still grieving for her dad, she is angry because everything seems so unfair and all this COVID-related uncertainty doesn't help, but it still hurts and I'm afraid she won't be (able to be) there for me when I need her.

     

    So it's good to know that this forum exists - I'm pretty sure you'll hear from me again... 

     

    xx 

     

     

     

  • Offline in reply to Ruth1980

    Hello Ruth 1980,

                              l am relieved  to read you will be going to see your Mum for a final time,you would have spent a lifetime of regret if you had not done so.l hope your partner will come to realise this was a journey that needed to be made,stay safe and find peace and contentment with each other,

     

                                                                                          Take care, David

                                                                    

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