My 72 year old mother was diagnosed with advanced liver cancer on Jan 3rd while she was in hospital for an infection and told she had "a short number of months" to live. She has other complications - advanced vascular Parkinsonism and mild-moderate vascular dementia - and had deteriorated functionally to the point where she needed full time care so went into a nursing home shortly afterwards. The nursing home is lovely, staff are great, she's settled well and has a big, comfortable room that I've decked out like a studio apartment and before Covid-19 came along we were doing well at making the best of a bad situation, spending all our time together, making special memories and were on track to giving her the death she wanted. We spent every day together, usually with my 1 year old son who she adores, and she was generally doing well. She started to deteriorate a bit as Covid hit - declining function, more pain and tiredness, less of an appetite etc. The first restriction came a month ago when the nursing home banned all visitors except me, my partner and son. Then I couldn't bring my son in, then it was just me allowed to visit, then I had to limit my visits to 2 hours a day and then suddenly on Friday night during a visit I was told that the home was going to be completely locked down at midnight and once I left I wouldn't be allowed back in. I was told very bluntly that I won't even be allowed to be with at the end and if she's starts to actively die "You'll meet your mum in the funeral home".
They've offered to move her to a different room that's a lot smaller but has a window that I could access so I could see her and talk to her. I haven't seen her since I left on Friday but speaking to her on the phone she doesn't sound well. On a practical level, apart from the comfort and company of visits I also brought her most of her calories because she hates the food in the home and would only eat meals and smoothies that I made and fed her. Am trying to get those to her via staff now over the weekend but they don't have time to spend an hour with her feeding her and I know she'll be eating a lot less now that I can't go in. Obviously it's also desperately sad and distressing and although the home she's in is currently Covid-free, it could come in at any time which is another risk.
My gut feeling is that I should take her out of the nursing home ASAP and bring her home to die so we can enjoy the rest of the time she has left, she can spend time with my son and I can be with her at the end but I'm terrified of making the wrong decision and that we won't be able to manage or meet her needs properly. She needs quite a lot of care as it is - she's very immobile, semi-incontinent, needs to be fed etc.- and I have no idea what's ahead as the disease progresses over the next days and weeks. Once it's done, there's no going back, the nursing home won't readmit her. I've been her carer before and do her toileting, feeding, dressing etc when I'm with her in the home so I have an idea of what would be involved now but no idea what could be coming down the line if we do bring her home and I'm really desperate to hear from people who've had or are having the experience. I know every death is different but it would really help me to hear other people's experiences to help me make the right decision. My mother is nervous of rushing into anything understandably but we don't have time on our side at the moment and it's hard to imagine what could be worse than watching her die alone through a window.
I'd be bringing her back to her own home which is already adapted with a wet room and bedroom downstairs and level access floors for a wheelchair. Myself, my partner and my 1 year old son would live with her and our childminder has offered to move in and help as well which is the only way it would be even vaguely possible but it's a very small house so would be tight! We might be able to get home help of an hour a day but that's not guaranteed. The palliative community team can advise me over the phone but won't make house visits unless it's an emergency.
Thanks so much in advance for any help or advice. I feel so totally lost and alone in it all at the moment.
Joanne