Hi there ...

Your thread could have been mine 30 years ago .. except my mum died suddenly from a heart attack and I had no chance to even tell her I was so proud to be her daughter... she was fine one Monday morning and at 5.20 that afternoon she was gone ...

My two sons were her world and they adored her as much .. one 7 one 16 ...I was 36 ... she was a huge part of my life .. and she made everything o.k .. she was my pillow when I cryed...

But I really felt at her funeral where I was sure I'd loose it, that she was saying , I'm not there, I'm right here beside you... I felt a strange calm ... I still carry that with me today .. so much has happened over those years that I know she's looking over us ... feathers in my bra from the day I was diagnosed with breast cancer .. found them daily ...esp when I had my masectomy... untill the day I got the news it was contained and low risk ... they stopped .. 

As for my boys .. we talked about her always , we brought her along our own journey through life .. they even put pic of her and them on their face book page .. so remember you are half of her .. your children will look to you, like you have your mum ... you will be their best friend .. that's what she will want as she adores yours like my mum did my boys ..

I have always tried to follow what she taught me, to be kind .. to help others .. and everything I do is because of her ... I think she'd look down and smile .. and be proud of us all ..

Sending you a vertual hug... Chrissie x

Hi thank you for your response - and wow you have been through so much - I wish luck and health for the future - I suppose in a way knowing and having time should be a comfort rather than a sudden death , but it's so hard - I see the pain in her eyes , I know how she thinks and although she would never tell me I know she is scared and it rips my heart apart , I hate what she will face the next weeks and months - I just don't want her to go , I can't do this with out her - she is my everything I'm so heartbroken for her I just feel lost and help less I want to scream so loud - why her ?? It makes me so angry , so many horrid people in this world and she gets this and they live on - I'm so angry - just trying to spend as much time there as possible , but I just look at her and want to cry I can't help it , just want to make it go away - I hate this world if it wasn't for my son and my dad needing me I'd be going with her - I hate what she is feeling it's driving me insane 

thanks for your response I really appreciate it

Hi there ..

I know this is heartbraking but if you can just live in the day .. while she's here, don't think of after .. there is a word for it, I think it's something like anticipateory grief .. it's when you grieve while they are still with you ... my sister has late stage dementure and her daughter is going through that .. 

But hold her hand .. she may need to cry .. or say I'm scared .. it's o.k for you both to say those words .. take every moment as a bonus... if only I'd have had one day, or even one hour ... it's o.k to feel anything .. that's the price we pay for having amazing mum's... 

Look through albums or when she's o.k .. ask about her childhood... bet there's lots you don't know .. this is the time to make things count .. leave nothing unsaid ... yes it's the second hardest thing we do ..second  only to loosing our children .. sending caring vibes .. Chrissie x

I had same thoughts as you when my sister was dying.  One of two things she said to me was "you will cope".

So will you.  You have to.  Your mother would want you to carry on with your life.