Hi there ...

Your thread could have been mine 30 years ago .. except my mum died suddenly from a heart attack and I had no chance to even tell her I was so proud to be her daughter... she was fine one Monday morning and at 5.20 that afternoon she was gone ...

My two sons were her world and they adored her as much .. one 7 one 16 ...I was 36 ... she was a huge part of my life .. and she made everything o.k .. she was my pillow when I cryed...

But I really felt at her funeral where I was sure I'd loose it, that she was saying , I'm not there, I'm right here beside you... I felt a strange calm ... I still carry that with me today .. so much has happened over those years that I know she's looking over us ... feathers in my bra from the day I was diagnosed with breast cancer .. found them daily ...esp when I had my masectomy... untill the day I got the news it was contained and low risk ... they stopped .. 

As for my boys .. we talked about her always , we brought her along our own journey through life .. they even put pic of her and them on their face book page .. so remember you are half of her .. your children will look to you, like you have your mum ... you will be their best friend .. that's what she will want as she adores yours like my mum did my boys ..

I have always tried to follow what she taught me, to be kind .. to help others .. and everything I do is because of her ... I think she'd look down and smile .. and be proud of us all ..

Sending you a vertual hug... Chrissie x

Hi thank you for your response - and wow you have been through so much - I wish luck and health for the future - I suppose in a way knowing and having time should be a comfort rather than a sudden death , but it's so hard - I see the pain in her eyes , I know how she thinks and although she would never tell me I know she is scared and it rips my heart apart , I hate what she will face the next weeks and months - I just don't want her to go , I can't do this with out her - she is my everything I'm so heartbroken for her I just feel lost and help less I want to scream so loud - why her ?? It makes me so angry , so many horrid people in this world and she gets this and they live on - I'm so angry - just trying to spend as much time there as possible , but I just look at her and want to cry I can't help it , just want to make it go away - I hate this world if it wasn't for my son and my dad needing me I'd be going with her - I hate what she is feeling it's driving me insane 

thanks for your response I really appreciate it

As Chrissie said get out the old photos. My boys last saw my Mum two weeks before she died. And they went through lots of old photos and videos with her. It was so lovely for all of them. I was downstairs and could hear my Mum laughing so much. She smiled so much that day. She smiled and laughed all the way to the end. She was truly amazing.  Try and record your Mum talking about her memories, get her to talk about her growing up, her memories of your childhood and tell her how proud you are of her and how much she has done for you, and how much you love her x

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I had same thoughts as you when my sister was dying.  One of two things she said to me was "you will cope".

So will you.  You have to.  Your mother would want you to carry on with your life.