Hi Ibr 

very sorry to see your post xx 

I can understand the pain and trauma you are going through now because I also lost a parent to cancer xx 

I can relate to all of your post including the devastation of seeing a loved one going through cancer and comparing their physical form to only a few weeks/months back. I know how shocking that is. Also, seeing changes to their personality and character. 

The irritation isn't anything against you and nothing personal...xx
 

Cancer...is just so bloody unfair to do this to our loved ones. 
 

I found coming on this site over the years such a huge help. To be around people in the know. Sadly many of us on this site have been through what you are experiencing now. So you're not on your own.
 

You are going to get through this. Promise. 
 

Where is your Dad now? Is he at home with you? Xx 

Hi Ibr - thank you! 
 

good to hear back from you xx 

Oh I see, yes I was wondering if your Dad was under hospice care. They can work such wonders. Making things comfortable but I totally get why your Dad would prefer to be at home. 
I hope the hospice team can come up with a plan so that he may go home. Your idea for a live in nurse sounds wonderful too...I wonder if the hospice could assist you with that as part of their care. Maybe not a live in one...but someone who could be there as much as is needed. Something to discuss with them xx 

Gosh, at such a young age of 20 (I'm 38)...this really isn't what you need. It is truly heartbreaking to think of you being so young and with the pressures of uni/ life and having to deal with this. I am so so sorry this is happening to you. Of course - juggling everything is going to be really difficult for you so I'm glad you found this site....again,please do come here whenever you want.

Do you have any friends around you? If so, do they know about what's happening with your Dad? Or are you a more keep to yourself sort of person? Like me ha! In these times...when you're under so much pressure, it's important to access as much support as you can xxx from this site, the hospice (they also take care of friends and family), from friends/family. Also...uni may have some student support options available to you such as counselling or just a safe place to go to if you need a chat xxx 

Be great to hear how you're getting on but absolutely no pressure. Thinking of you and your family xx 

I am so, so sorry to read your post. I lost my father in July last year and can completely relate to your heartbreak and distress. He was 60 years old and I too watched my father change from a capable, active, highly intelligent man into a frail, confused and very poorly patient in the space of a couple of months. He is still the man you know and love. You think about what is to come and it feels impossible that you will cope but please believe me when I say that you will. You will find the strength that you need to be there for your father and your wider family, you will find the strength to deal with what is going on and take it one step at a time. I really hope you have support around you for the times that you need a shoulder to cry on. Just be there with your dad, tell him everything and anything you want to. And know that he is listening and can absolutely hear you, even if at times he may not be able to respond. I truly do believe that. Myself and my family found it comforting to play my dad his favourite songs, and it provides a bit of comfort in a way to listen to them now. My heart breaks for you, just know that it is completely ok to feel any way that you do, there is no rule to this. My thoughts are with you xxx

hi citygirl, 

I have people around me to support me. My friends from university have offered to drop anything home that I need, despite the fact it's 3 hours away. They're fantastic but also give me the space I need and try their best to understand. My best mate from home has been knocked for six by the fact my dads cancer is now terminal, as he has been my right hand man since I was diddle and has always been around my family. However it is sometimes comforting (this may be selfish) for others to feel the same sort of grief. I have an older sister too who I don't know what I'd do without. 
 

anyway, dad is moving home in the coming days, we will see what that brings. My sister and I had to move the living room around in order for a bed to fit etc. This was pretty painful but as long as my dad is comfortable. 
 

best, 

ibr 

Hi kathryn, thanks for the comment. this is getting a good outlet for me strangely. 
 

Im sorry to hear about your father, it is absolutely impossible. It is so different from other cancers where you can still communicate and connect with your loved one. Not to say that these are any less distressful and painful. 
 

I don't recognise my dad anymore and when I think about it I think I've been grieving for a lot longer than I think as he has detiriorated so much over the last 2 years. But I will continue to live in such a way that my old dad would want me to and I will never lose sight of this. He was always such a kind man that would think all the fuss over him right now was absolutely unneeded. However, hopefully with dad moving back home from the hospice he can find some peace with the help of a live in nurse. I feel comfortable with his final days being at our family home of 17 years. 
 

all the best, 

ibr 

Hey, 

My dad was 58 when we lost him March 2019 and I remember posting similar things to you back then, I was terrified.  
We were able to keep him at home and comfortable which was a blessing, but none the less so so hard to watch him deteriorate. 
He was our world and we miss our piece of the puzzle every single day, since then my sister and I have both had our first babies which he knew about and I had to go through with my wedding without him. 
You will get through it I promise you. 
I always remember saying to the nurses how worried I was that he was so scared. They said to me that the person who is unwell doesn't think how we do, they gradually withdraw and become quieter, but don't realise this and in fact it's us watching in that feel so much more worse, especially the anticipatory grief we experience and the not knowing how and when. 

Thoughts and hugs are with you x

Hi.

Im so sorry to read your story and really feel for you. Myself and my brother were with mum yesterday when she was told that her bowel cancer is now stage 4 and terminal as it has spread to her chest. Oncologist gave us a time frame of 6-12 months. She is losing weight fast and her tumour appears to be growing rather fast to. Shes refused treatment now due to the many issues it brought. Ive no idea where to begin, what to say or do and reading articles like this makes me realise that we are not the only ones who are distraught and lost. Wish this wasn't happening. I don,t even want to think about end of life and what pain this will bring.

Thinking of you and your dad x

Hi Ibr

How are you? And how are things with Dad? Has he managed to move home OK? 
 

I completely understand where you're coming from with that...one of the most comforting things to hear is "me too" and "I feel the same". I'm glad you have a supportive network around you. 
 

I do hope your Dad is as comfortable as possible and that you're bearing up OK. Xx

Thinking of you too, Benny. It's just so unfair, cancer. 
 

I hope your Mum is comfortable and that you're hanging in there. I went through the same as you...I know all to well the overwhelming feelings you're likely experiencing now, along with Ibr. 
 

take care xx