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My father is dying - should I stay in my home town?

Patridge87
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My dad has been very suddenly and unexpectedly been diagnosed with a very aggresive cancer, and deteriorated from seemingly healthy to basically bedbound in a matter of weeks. He's been given 'weeks to months' to live. My family is five hours away from where I (24 year old grad student) live and work, and I am really busy with projects and responsbilites.

I've never lost anyone to cancer, so I don't know how it progresses. I was wondering, really, whether anyone had any advice about what I should do? Whether I should stay where I live, visiting when I can, or just put everything on hold and go and stay with my family for as long as possible? My dad has said he wants me to get on with life, enjoy myself, do everything I'd usually do, which I can only do if I'm in the city where I live - but I'm terrified I'm going to miss my last few weeks (or months?) with him. I just wish I had a better idea of how long he has. It all seems so vague and confusing at the moment, particularly as its been so sudden.

Has anyone else had a similar experience of being far away from a dying loved one? How did you manage it? Would really appreciate any advice.

 

 

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    Hi there .. what a sad situation your in ... cancer sucks ...  

    It sounds like he's pretty poorly ... and if I were you, I'd have a word with your teacher or head .. if you explain the situation, and ask what your options are ..

    If it's possible,  be with your dad .. I think that's what your heart is telling you ... you may have to live with regret if you miss these last week's..  even if you ask for a week, and then you'll know more how he's doing ... but we only get one mum and dad ... 

    It's a no brainer really .. everything your doing there , you can 're do ... you have your whole life ahead of you to make up lost time at uni or where ever you are .. but you'll never get another chance to be with him ..  follow your heart ...

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    Hi there i i couldnt add to what crissie says but i can say this in years to come all these things you find like job and othere things will seem not important but staying with your dad those feelings will never diminish sounds like your a clever chap so you will bill able to pick up after like crissie says you only get one dad how i wish i still had mine you didnt mention if your mum was still around if so she is going to need a lot of support .she will be be lost  best wishs paul

     

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    Hi there, 

    My Dad had a sudden cancer journey, and now I don't have him here I feel extremely glad that I dropped my job and spent every single second I could with him. Even though i know this worried him a little i also knew it meant the world that i was there.

    Although a very sad time we still shared laughter and memories and I feel that I did all I could to be there for him. 

    As others have said, your studies are of course important but you can get back to them again, just my opinion but family comes first. 

    I just spoke to my work suddenly one day and said I'd be off for some time, i completly ran out of money but that was not important at the time no one can deny you this precious time . I thought I had about 3 months left with my Dad but it turned out to be 6 weeks. It's very hard to predict the time you have but if you have a doctor or nurse visiting they may be able to give an idea to you quietly. 

    I'm really sorry for what you have to go through, I'm sure deep down you know what you feel you should do.

    x

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    Hi

    I lost my dad earlier this year, I’m 26 and have a younger sister about the same age as you. I’m currently studying for a masters part time and work full time in a very busy and stressful job. 

    My dad didn’t want me to take any time off work or to miss any time at uni and told me loads of times just to carry on and that he’d be ok etc

    During the last  couple of months with dad I had about 7 weeks off work in all.

    I can honestly say I wouldn’t have done anything differently and I took as much time off work as I possibly could have done. Although those were undoubtedly the hardest weeks of our lives, I’m so glad I got to spend every second possible with my family. I know it meant a lot to my dad that I was there too, even though he said he didn’t want me to have time off work etc. Financially it was a bit of a struggle but none of that matters in the grand scheme. 

    No one can predict how long a person has. We were told my dad had a couple of weeks or even days at the beginning of the year and he lived 10 weeks from then. I can’t really explain it but something inside me just knew when I needed to be at home with my dad and I think you will know too. It might also be worth speaking privately to your dads specialist nurse or hospice nurse if he has one as they are amazing too.

    Of course work and studies are important but I’ve found university in particular to be really understanding and work will always be there to go back to. I was very honest with my employers and for the most part they were as understanding as possible while dad was poorly. Family is absolutely the most important thing to me. 

    Sorry that your family have to go through this and sending you lots of strength at this difficult time. 

    xx

     

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    My advice would be to go, spend as much time with your dad as you can. Once he is gone you will never get this chance again and it is a horrible regret to live with.

     

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    Hey, I am really sorry to hear about your dad. I am going through the same thing also. When dad was first diagnosed I felt the same as you I was unsure of what to do. I continued to do my own thing, I carried on going to work and just took time off to be with him when he had bad times. Now we have been told dad is in his final weeks I have decided to step away from work to be with him, all I can say is that there are usually signs things are coming to an end so you should have some warning. This is a scary unsettling time for you, all the best xx

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