Hello everyone, 

well I have half broken down today. Not completely but a bit. I’ve still got my make up on and I’m outside the hospital where my dad is because my daughter is studying here and she’s having her vaccines. 

I couldn’t sleep last night, I’ve got a headache I feel sick and I’m fed up. I keep bursting into tears and it’s not my dad it’s the stress of it all. I’m supposed to start uni myself soon so I’ve emailed to ask for extra support to get started and I’ve got documents in my bag to post to finalize my student finance application.  My mother has gone even more mental. She was sobbing yesterday and it’s all about the guilt she feels for letting him be in so much pain he did that to himself. It’s like [@Brien]‍ said it’s amazing how we blame ourselves for doing our best but being failed by so called professionals. And just like you said I’m tellling her she’s not to blame and to think of all the good things she did for him and how well she did but that’s not what is staying with her it’s the horror and the images of what she saw, which were now told didn’t happen. It’s early days for us but I know it will still be on our minds probably forever like Betty. It’s not something you can accept it’s too big for our brain to cope with I think. I accepted bereavement support but that was when I thought it was straight forward what dad had done. Now I don’t know what ri say to them because My account of what I went through officially didn’t happen so I don’t feel I can talk about it with them as they are part of the cover up. I’m just confused today. I am glad you’re all here to stop me going insane with this. Xxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi migi i don't think bereavement support is officially hospital so you should be able to talk if you want to, it might help like the forum to rant and let off steam,, anyway good luck with your future what ever you do... Billy 

Hello everyone, 

How are you all doing? I’m awake at this silly hour again and already having a cup of coffee so not much chance of going back to sleep so I’ve put a load of washing on and popped in to say hello. 

Ive taken [@davek]‍ advice and been in touch with the people he suggested so a big thank you to Dave for excellent suggestions and guidance. I’m waiting for our advocate to rewrite my letter and then hopefully itit should be sent off to the health board this week. It’ll take up to 30 days for a response apparently so that will feel like 30 years! But at least we are on the right track. 

Ive heard a few really disturbing stories, nothing as bad as what happened to my dad yet but the same kind of thing and the reason they’re getting away with it is because mostly people don’t complain. It’s hard to complain because unless you know someone like Dave it can afford a solicitor it’s hard to know where to start. Also when you’re suffering so much grief writing letters is the last thing you feel up to doing. It’s so wrong. 

My dad’s funeral can go ahead now so it’s happening on Monday next week. Mum bought a new dress and a pair of boots yesterday and we got little dresses for my twins. So we are getting there-wherever “there” is! I hope everyone is ok here. Thank you guys for all the love and support. Big hugs. Xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi migi glad your getting things moving and arrangements have been sorted, trouble now like everything is waiting is your mum feeling a bit settled now hope she is, and you of course this might sound wrong but hope it's a nice day on the funeral, and everything goes well, best wishes to all your family,....... Billy 

Aaawww, thank you. Mum has got a lovely dress with red hearts all over it and I’ve lent her my red heart handbag. My parents first got together at a valentines ball so she’s having a heart/love themed funeral. I have black trousers with little red hearts on them and a black top. My twins want to dress up as angels so we got them gorgeous dresses from next they’re baby pink glittery with angel sleeves. Got the fluffy angel wings coming tomorrow. Dad would let the girls do what they wanted he spoilt them so when they said they wanted to dress up we thought well dad would let them! And we don’t want the funeral to scare them so we’re calling it a party instead. I’m looking forward to seeing all our family and friends together but worried about what it will be like seeing the coffin and knowing dad’s in there etc.... But I know we just have to go with the flow and be strong. Xxxxxxxxx

Hi migi please don't get this wrong but could you do anything with the coffin, paint something on if possible (if they'll let you) so it's not so dull maybe flowers through the handles when my brother in law died he was a farmer and they'd painted tractors and and things on it it really made a difference and as he went in, the Wurzels song, "I've got a brand new combine harvester," came on there was couple of seconds of shock then everything was laughing that was how he wanted it to be he was that sort of person. God bless. You,... Billy x

Hi! 

Yes we’ve had it painted and it’s having some trinkets put on it. Just little teddies etc that the girls gave to him before he died. I’m putting a big huge bunch of fresh red roses on top of it too. We were helping the minister write his speech and the girls asked if they could write speeches too. They were so good and so beautiful that the minister said he would invite the girls to read them but if they felt uncomfortable at the time to do that then he would read them. We’ve got my cousins carrying dad so the girls know he’s safe. We’ve also booked a venue with a play area so all the children can play and enjoy themselves. It’s so hard because it’s so sad. But hopefully there will be a lot of laughs as well as tears. Xxxxxxxx

Hi there hunny ...

So sorry, not been on here much lately so missed your thread ... l told my son at my mum's funeral, we were saying good bye to nanny .. never said those words that frighten us, let alone kids ... my son was 7 and he never developed the fear of funerals like I did when everything was hush hush don't tell the kids .. 

You know l was dreading mum's funeral... thought I'd want to hold on to her coffin and not let go .. but you know from that morning when we were following behind, l had this overwhelming feeling... she was saying "I'm not there, I'm right beside you" and felt so calm .. and there was only one star in the sky .. it followed us there, and never wavered, never moved ... 

You have so much love and respect from so many of us here .. you've touched our hearts .. and I hope your dad's journey will stop others from being treated so cruelly... everyone that works with terminally ill should read this thread and know everyone can make a difference...  those So called "carers" etc should hang their heads ..  

My thoughts and heart goes with you when you go to his celabration of his life ... I think we'll all be vertually there holding you up ... l send you my biggest hug ... and love ... chrissie  x 

Im so sorry to hear about your situation, you must all be in a lot of shock right now.  In my experience with the hospital the  nurses were nice and gave as much time as they could I felt that cancer patients were a second priority as there care wasn't critical. However, I got my dad checked in to a hospice as soon as I could and although a hospice sounds terrifiying he was able to stay for a month and they couldn't do more for him, they have the time to speak to my dad about things we found hard to discuss as a family. They are specialist pecialisein cancer patients so can provide better medication, treatemnt and food and they also provide counselling to immediate family.