Dear MiGi,

my mum was diagnosed on December 2nd 2018 and passed away Friday 11 2019. 

The hardest part is the first week when you have to come to terms with what’s happened. After you’ve conquered that, it’s odd to say that you get use to it. Prepare yourself for when your father changes physically and - mentally depending on the person. 

I can’t advise you on what happens after as I am grieving but I can maybe help on other issues.

The hospital has no right to make you leave and we made such a fuss that we ended up getting to be with mum 24/7. You need to push for it and ask for a meeting with the head nurse and doctor. You have every right to be there !! 

We use to try and create a happy feeling in the room by bringing up good memories and times and specially funny moments. It’s not easy to put on a brave face but it does comfort the patient and in this case your father. Mum loved it and I think it brought her peace of mind specially that the news is so horrific that you have received that you need to melt it down and replace it with happiness ( I know that it sounds quite odd but you’ll see with time). 

Your father will come to terms with the news and the best thing you can do is to create a peaceful and happy environment. We use to play disney music such as the jungle book and Pocahontas as mum was a true child at heart - it cheered her up and even though she wasn’t able to communicate she’d try to smile and would calm down immediately. 

I put on a brave face and did what I had to do. You’ll have time to grieve so in the meantime while you still have your wonderful father, make the most of it and bring joy around you. Make it a happy memory so that when you think back in it you remembered the smiles and the laughter and not the dark times. 

I hope I haven’t chewed your ear off with my long message. I wish you strength, love and happiness. xxxx 

Hi Ldn91, 

Thank you! I'm so sorry you lost your mum. That was so quick too. You're probably still in shock. I know we are. 

If dad ends up in hospital again I'm taking no messing at all. [@davek]‍ I'm going to be strong and I will stand my ground and make a formal complaint. 

It sounds like we are handling things quite similarly. Dads home at the moment and so we've been sat with him talking and laughing, even teasing him. Every time I leave him I say to him "stay alive dad" and he says "I'll try lovely girl". It's become our little joke I suppose. If joke is the right word because it's so real. He idolises his grandchildren so he's had them there playing and although he can't play with them now he'll tuck one of my twins either side of him and they'll watch tv and chat. It is all so sudden. I can't even remember when he was diagnosed now, I think it will be three weeks next Wednesday. He was ok before that.

He had an awful turn last night. He was slurring and hunched over just not himself at all. I think he waited until he saw me before letting go and letting out his suffering. He was having a huge panic attack but he's never had one before so of course he thought he was actually dying.   The ambulance team took over half an hour to arrive (not their fault at all but half an hour is a very long time in a situation like that especially as we thought was dying too to be honest). When they did arrive they really showed up they were incredible. We had an ambulance, a rapid response car and a car full of the air ambulance doctors. I've never seen anything like it. 

However the follow up care is really strange and I'm still navigating it for him and mum. They made him an appointment at the out of hours doctors for 9.30 last night for anxiety meds. Just after they left he came over in absolute agony. I have never seen my dad cry before but he was crying and saying "help me" you can imagine the rest and he told me he was scared and embarrassed and he said he has never in his life had pain like it. I took him to the doctors and they were fab. Upped his morphine and gave him anxiety meds. 

None of the guys who helped us last night were impressed that dads palliative care team aren't coming until next Thursday and the doctor wasn't impressed that my dad was expected to go to an appointment. He said it has to be a home visit unless my dad specifically says he's well enough to attend. I just feel like we are at the mercy of people who don't care that much sometimes and who seem to put dad on the back burner. Even with this biopsy on Wednesday. If they'd have done it sooner and started his treatment he would have had a chance. Now it's with a heavy heart that I say after last night I don't think my dad is going to live very long at all, I really don't. He fell asleep with his head in mums lap last night, this isn't my dad.

I do agree with [@davek]‍ and I think if things go wrong we all have a duty in a way to complain because a lot of it is down to there being no compassion and by complaining we bring attention to the issue and it could stop someone else going through it. 

On TV you hear so much positivity about cancer, cures for this and that, funding all over the plane, charity events etc....but I can honestly say in real life there have been no positives with it. I probably shouldn't say that but it's true. It's the worst thing I've ever seen. 

Everyone here is in my thoughts and I'm so sorry to everyone who's feeling pain from it all. 

Tracy. Xxxxxxxx

Hi Tracy...

Oh my, I was looking at some of your answers to threads, and realised you've been up through the night .. so read your home page, and was so shocked at how much your dealing with right now, yet still trying to help others .. l dont think you realise just how wonderful you are... 

Your poor dad, and I know our N H S can be wonderful, but he's had a nightmare .. l was on morphine for a while.. and one day unknowingly overdosed ... it was the scariest day of my life .. l had was bring up black bile for 24 hours, like tar .. even sips of water made me sick .. now I'm on minimal dosage ....just when l need really need it ... it still diddnt stop the bad pain ..

Don't forget to look after you too ... if you fall, everything falls... so no mater how hard just do something's for you .. that way you'll stay stronger ... everyone needs a hand to hold ... I'm so glad you've come on here .. you couldn't have better advice then our Dave... think he's really looking after you...he's a wise ol owl... 

Have you tried Marie Currie... they specialise in terminal patents and their carers ... lots have found help and advice there... l was so surprised just how much they do ... they really seem to care ... and I think you need all the help you can get with dad ... go on their home page .. and give them a call ..

Chrissie

Aaaawww Chrissie, what a beautiful message and that's given me a lovely start to my day, thank you! 

Im not sleeping lately and seeing posts in the night where people are struggling with worry kills me. I want to jump out of my phone with a cup of tea and a hug for everyone and I can't. I also want someone to jump out and hug me which I feel like you did. Thank you. My dad told me again yesterday that it's in the night that things get too much for him. He panics and has really dark thoughts. He openly talked about his feelings of considering suicide yesterday that happen at his worst times. My mum was quite upset and it's hard to hear but I can understand and I would feel the same way seeing how he is compared to how he was. Things are worse at night and it's helping me too to be trying to offer some words that might help. It makes me feel like everything we've gone through is for a reason if only to be able to say to someone I know how you feel but really mean it. No body is ever really on their own if we can do that if that makes any sense at all? I'm on my third coffee trying to kick start myself to go and sit with dad for the day so a bit "hyped" maybe!! I've spoken to Macmillan (are they the same as Marie Curie? Or shall I call them too?) I've had support re my finances. Because my parents are both very unwell they've advised me to give up work altogether for now and to claim universal credit with the carers element. But I've just had all of my money stopped. I have to take some documents to the job centre and send some wage slips to the carers department so I'm doing that today. I have also been offered counselling AND so has my son!! I don't feel that I need counselling at the moment and my son has arranged his already through uni but I can also ring them if I need any advice too which is so lovely. I love love love looking after my dad, he keeps saying thank you to me but I've told him to stop, I wish so much this nasty cruel disease did not exist, the things you've been through/are living with, the things I hear, the things I know from seeing  it here. It's not going to break me but it has broken my mum. I am doing what you said and I'm pampering myself. I'm enjoying nice bubble baths, I'd let myself go so now I've swapped my wardrobe around so I can pick out pretty clothes to wear EVERY day now, I'm even taking ten minutes out every morning to put a little bit of make up on. I also bought a heated hair brush so I can just brush through quickly and look nice and I do a face mask now once or twice a week. I love pampering but I didn't bother because it seemed frivolous but it's my me time now and it makes me more able to deal with the world for some reason. I felt sucked under when I scraped my hair back and was in joggers. Now if I have a bit of concealer to hide the black circles and a bit of blusher I feel more on top of it if that makes sense? I also have such beautiful children, I wish I could post a photo! They are picture perfect! I wish I had answers, I can't find any. But being here makes me feel at home and I wish you so much love and hugs for today. Dave is fab! So is starcatone, I am very lucky! Have a lovely lovely day, let me know how you are when you have a chance.

Oh my ... think we must be vertually related  lol ... it's like exactly how I feel .. though I've a few more years on then you ..  l find in reaching out, and vertually making some friends of the people on here, l get as much back as l give ... l feel blessed to have known them .. even if we could all pass on the street and never know it ..

Well there's so many who can only look at the whole picture .. then its overwhelming ... so you carry on treating your self .. I always have "me time" even give in to tears coz that's a safety valve ... and if you can keep your head above the water, later you'll meet others and can help them through .. your right, if we didn't have trauma through our lives, we wouldn't be here now, reaching out ...

I have trouble at nights sometimes too .. think our heads try to make sense of it all .. but if we can stay in the day .. and not look ahead and deal with one problem as and when it happens ... well get there .. your wonderful dad just wants it all to stop .. think I'd be the same .. no one should go through this much ..but it happens and we have to make the best out of a bad situation .. 

My sister is in late stage dementure .. she's turned from the best sis ever, that never swore and took a pride in herself to someone who's always angry .. and tells us to f off ... but l still see my wonderful sister as she was .. her daughter goes every day .. and the carers said to her, that her mum was so lucky to have her there no mater what her mum says .. she said "no I'm the lucky one, to have the best mum in the world"  sounds like you .. think you'd get on well with her .. l think you've both been sent here to be vertual angels to those you love ...

Give Marie Currie a ring.. they are different from McMillan... they help those in your situation .. they can sit through the night .. offer hours to sit if you need to go somewhere .. look on their home page .. well I'm determined to get out today .. I'm going stir crazy, as the weather has been horendious.  So take care .  . Always here if you want a chat ...  another big hug, coz we can never have too many hugs .. chrissie

Hi Tracy, I hope you don’t mind me jumping in here to say I have just been reading your posts and I think you are one of life’s outstanding people...inspirational and wonderfully caring. Helping others when you are going through so much yourself takes a very special kind of person.

I’m glad to see you are pampering yourself and giving yourself some time. You need that in order to be able to cope with the rest of your life. You are clearly very strong and capable, but everyone has their limits so remember to reach out for help for yourself when you need to...so many kind people in this virtual world here who will be happy to support and hug you from afar. xx

Hi [@Minska]‍ 

It's so lovely to hear from you, thank you for such a lovely message, it's cliche but I'm really touched by the kind words you wrote and you can see how gorgeous the people are around me here, I am so lucky! So please jump in and stay!! 

[@Chriss]‍ Youve helped me lots today and [@starcatone]‍ and [@Minska]‍ I woke up to the most lovely messages and you all made me super emotional and so grateful. It was a tough day and I take so much comfort from you guys and just the most lovely way you are. Thank you! 

Im so tired! I might even sleep tonight at this rate! Aaaaawwww girls, how are you all doing tonight? Did everyone have an ok day? Chrissie, did you manage to get out after? Xxxxxxxx

Hi Tracy-happy to stay xx

You have been dealing with really tough stuff in addition to the news of a cancer diagnosis and my heart just breaks for you. I lost my mum to lung cancer almost 3 years ago so I have a little understanding...but did not have to deal with as much as you are dealing with as I lived so far away. I did look after her at home for her last few days however, which enabled her to stay where she wanted to be and I found that really challenging and upsetting. But I never cried, I stayed strong and never once broke down. So I understand where you’re coming from. 

I will keep in touch and am I’m here a lot if you need a friend. I hope you can get some sleep tonight-rest is so important but I know it can be hard when your mind is racing away. Big hugs to you. xxx

Hi tracy ...and yes, I braved the howling wind and rain and blew the cobwebs away ...  and at my age ive gathered a fare few cobwebs .. lol ...

Hope you get a good sleep .. it will really help you .. so sweet dreams .. Will pop by every so often .. so keep this thread going ...  chrissie

Hi ya ...

Just popped by to send you one of my (emily) hugs ... I know they are spiecial ... so hope you can feel a vertual arm around you ... l still can't believe the rocky road your on .. it makes the normal cancer rollercoaster look quite tame ... 

Your dad's been badly let down by a system, that should be in place every day .. but as we all know that system is in tatters ... great at times .. mediocre at most times, and a total failure for your dad ... it's no wonder your up most nights, I recon your brain can't relax long ... though it's nice to have your company when I can't sleep too ...

In a way I'm glad they are not giving him treatment as he's been through enough .. and that puts even more strain on the body, esp when he's in pain anyway ..  there's a time to know just holding their hand is all that they need now .. you are deff an angel, and if I'd had a daughter like you, I'd feel the luckiest mum ever ...  always here hun .. take care .. and I'm sending you a massive big hug ... 

Chrissie x

Hi MiGi,

This is an incredible long sad story, so as [@Chriss]‍ I also went to read your home page to be fully updated. 
That has been a whole rollercoaster for you, honey. It seems you are a supermum and a superdaughter!
I'm going through similar things but in my case is my boyfriend that is very sick (stage 4 colon cancer) and I'm also changing jobs!
I'm sorry you are going through all this mess. It's tricky because you have to deal with your own feelings and also support and caring for both your parents while working and being a mother of 4(?)... That really seems exhausting, you have my sympathy! I hope you managed to have some sort of financial help to be a full-time carer or any kind of solution...
I totally understand that you're feeling negative regarding cancer. Besides all the poor experience with NHS, when you receive so many bad news at once it can be devastating. For me it was hard to deal with overly positive people when my boyfriend was being diagnosed and treated...
I do believe that you are strong and that you will sort all this situation the best way possible. It was the women's day a few days ago and we women are indeed amazing.
I'm glad this forum is helping you!

Take care*

Hey there, 

Thank you so much for such lovely messages guys. I'd be really happy with a mum like you Chrissie. You are beautiful. I knew I wouldn't sleep tonight so I waited to reply. I haven't been here long and so much has happened. I think I'll always feel negative towards the NHS about my dads care. Its been awful and like banging our heads against a brick wall. I'm normally pretty good at sorting things out but I've failed this time. I do have a big positive that's coming from all of this though and that's that I'm getting to spend lots of time with my dad. He's actually asking for me every day, he says to mum " Where's Tracy? Will she be here soon?" Every day! And I just love that it's me he asks for! I am an only child in fairness so there's nobody else for him to ask for but still, I love when my mum tells me that! I'll walk in and he'll say "hello baby girl" He says thank you to me so much I've told him to stop! It means so much to me that I'm the one that makes my parents feel comforted and looked after in all of this. Dad told mum he feels really loved and cared for through all of this and I couldn't ask for more in that sense. I gave up work, I handed my notice in last Friday. Macmillan supported me through that and I'm in the process of claiming benefits which are related to caring for my parents. It may only be for a short time although I'm not sure how it will go with mum when dad goes-I honestly think I'll be on suicide watch or she will end up in a psychiatric unit for some time. But that's in the future, I'm trying not to think too much about that. It's one day at a time. I've repeatedly stressed about mums problems and she's been offered counselling like we all have but its not enough for mum, she's more complex than that. The mental health service we've got is really lacking too. She's very confused but she understands I'm doing my best for them in a really difficult situation. My daughter is still starting uni in a couple of weeks, my son is getting himself together again and catching up on his uni work that he let slip when we first found out. Things are going ok. I have had a virus the last week or more and that's been horrible. It started out chesty but has gone sicky. You know when you're sicky you can't function too well? That's been me! I've been in Tescos breaking out in a sweat thinking "please don't be sick!" I've wondered if it might even be my age, I'm 43 soon so I'm not sure but it does feel more like a bug I think. My twins are doing great, they had 100% attendance in school last term. Lots of things are really good. It really is one day at a time. It's a horrible situation but you do find your way. You get some inner strength you never knew you had and somehow you cope. I do hate everything about this disease and it's everywhere. But the love we all here create to fight it and to support our loved ones and each other is incredible. If love could cure it, it would be a done deal. I'm waffling because I can't sleep but I'm half asleep! I'm really tired but like Chrissie said my brain won't relax for long. It's cold tonight too isn't it? Have you guys noticed how cold it's gone? It's like we've gone back to the middle of winter! My feet are cold and they won't warm up, I tried a hot water bottle I'm going to find a pair of bed socks I think! Lots of love and hugs, I hope you're all sleeping! Xxxxxxxx

Hey there, 

Thank you so much for such lovely messages guys. I'd be really happy with a mum like you Chrissie. You are beautiful. I knew I wouldn't sleep tonight so I waited to reply. I haven't been here long and so much has happened. I think I'll always feel negative towards the NHS about my dads care. Its been awful and like banging our heads against a brick wall. I'm normally pretty good at sorting things out but I've failed this time. I do have a big positive that's coming from all of this though and that's that I'm getting to spend lots of time with my dad. He's actually asking for me every day, he says to mum " Where's Tracy? Will she be here soon?" Every day! And I just love that it's me he asks for! I am an only child in fairness so there's nobody else for him to ask for but still, I love when my mum tells me that! I'll walk in and he'll say "hello baby girl" He says thank you to me so much I've told him to stop! It means so much to me that I'm the one that makes my parents feel comforted and looked after in all of this. Dad told mum he feels really loved and cared for through all of this and I couldn't ask for more in that sense. I gave up work, I handed my notice in last Friday. Macmillan supported me through that and I'm in the process of claiming benefits which are related to caring for my parents. It may only be for a short time although I'm not sure how it will go with mum when dad goes-I honestly think I'll be on suicide watch or she will end up in a psychiatric unit for some time. But that's in the future, I'm trying not to think too much about that. It's one day at a time. I've repeatedly stressed about mums problems and she's been offered counselling like we all have but its not enough for mum, she's more complex than that. The mental health service we've got is really lacking too. She's very confused but she understands I'm doing my best for them in a really difficult situation. My daughter is still starting uni in a couple of weeks, my son is getting himself together again and catching up on his uni work that he let slip when we first found out. Things are going ok. I have had a virus the last week or more and that's been horrible. It started out chesty but has gone sicky. You know when you're sicky you can't function too well? That's been me! I've been in Tescos breaking out in a sweat thinking "please don't be sick!" I've wondered if it might even be my age, I'm 43 soon so I'm not sure but it does feel more like a bug I think. My twins are doing great, they had 100% attendance in school last term. Lots of things are really good. It really is one day at a time. It's a horrible situation but you do find your way. You get some inner strength you never knew you had and somehow you cope. I do hate everything about this disease and it's everywhere. But the love we all here create to fight it and to support our loved ones and each other is incredible. If love could cure it, it would be a done deal. I'm waffling because I can't sleep but I'm half asleep! I'm really tired but like Chrissie said my brain won't relax for long. It's cold tonight too isn't it? Have you guys noticed how cold it's gone? It's like we've gone back to the middle of winter! My feet are cold and they won't warm up, I tried a hot water bottle I'm going to find a pair of bed socks I think! Lots of love and hugs, I hope you're all sleeping! Xxxxxxxx

And this goes without saying I know but you guys are the best and I appreciate you and every word of your gorgeous messages more than you know. Thank you. Xxxxxxxxx

Hi I've just seen your post idont know what hospital yours is but my wife had to go in last year itook her in she is in a wheelchair our own I asked the nurses if I could stay with her they said OK I was there from6.30a m to 9at night I had 1/2 hour for dinner she was in for 6 days I fed her took her to the toilet washed her nurses didn't mind I was. Making their job easier. I've been doing it for years anyway I'd not like the bed it was nearly a meter off the floor and wife is only 4foot 10 we managed.sorry to hear about your dad have they got it right this time round. Is your mum managing OK. 

Billy

P.s a lot of hospitals have a apecial room for people like your dad where they can stay together i think you have to pay though it might be worth checking. 

Hi [@Billygoat]‍ 

Hi there! 

It's nice to hear from you-how are you doing? 

With dad it's been really hit and miss since his diagnosis. We're in South Wales. Dads at home, he wants to die at home, so we're doing our best to look after him ourselves but it's been quite difficult especially the last few days. Dad could go into a hospice but I know that is something he really doesn't want, he's scared and wants to be with us. We're really happy to look after him, we just feel like we can't look after him as well as we would like to because we haven't had any support or much guidance really. We've given up asking now to be honest although Marie Curie are due to give us a call to discuss help for dad and us so maybe.....finally! Xxxxxx

Hi there hunny ...

You know so much has been happening on here, so so many having a tough time, l forgot to see how you are now ... I'm so sorry ... 

There's been so much on here about lack of help for those like you at this hardest part of the journey .. l volunteered for McMillan in my area and saw how they worked behind the sceans to coordinate us to visit cancer patients (before l got diagnosed) and I also took those who didn't have transport to to chemo or other treatments ...  

It breaks my heart to see the posts now on how they are failing ... l just wish someone from there could read these and see where things need to change ... they were life savers when my brother in law was at end of life cancer ...  l will try to contact someone there and see if there's anything they can do ... but I'm just me, l dont know if or what can come from this ... but will let you know ..

One thing I've learned while here is Marie Currie seem to fill that gap, and really do try to help those at end of life .. though they seem to get less publicity. . Their home page is really good .. and I've had great feed back from others that have called them ... 

This is a heartbraking situation all round ... cancer sucks ... Chrissie xx

Well on a personal level MiGi ... you know l felt really emotional reading how your dad is so loving to you .. it's sometimes just a bit of kindness that can move mountains ... what you've done for him now, will mean so much to this last journey he's walking ... he's got you right there by his side ... and your both holding on to mum too .. 

I remember my mum was always telling me how wonderful I was in those last year's .. she was always with us, even on holidays .. but I kept telling her, she'd been my pillow when I cried .. my best friend over the years ... and the most wonderfull nanny l could have wished for .. l could have never done enough to pay her back .. as I've said so many times she  went with a heart attack and no warning ... but you know it would have been even harder to see her go through what your dad and many others are going through now ...

I don't know how you are still so strong ... maybe adrenaline keeps you going day by day .. to just get through one more day .. I'm sure if there are angels down here, your one of them ... l just hope Marie Currie come through, where others have let you down ... 

I really wish I could give you a real hug and not a vertual one ... but if you feel an arm round your shoulder right now, that's me ...  Chrissie

Hi Chrissie (and everyone here!) 

I need to apologise for not being here for a while. I've been thinking of you guys and I've wanted to click on so many times (as you know I don't sleep anymore!!) to say hello and to see if everyone's ok or if I could help anyone. The reason I haven't is because I didn't want to tell people what has been happening and make anyone feel helpless like we do because I've learned the past few months that hope and determination are so important in this fight. I didn't want to say anything more that would take that away from anybody because it's not fair. People read our words and look for help and comfort and I didn't feel I could help or comfort anybody if I was being honest with myself lately and by sharing what was happening I wasn't sure if it might make people give up hope or just accept that that's how it is when you're diagnosed. People also come here for the truth and an honest answer from us because they trust us and we are going through it. I didn't want to share bad things but didn't have anything good or positive to give which is awful! I always find the positives in everything and to be faced with none is pretty hard to take. I want to jump up and down and say "oh, try this! Try that! We did this and it worked!" Etc etc... But we haven't had that experience to be able to say that. Through my daughters medical training I've realised too that the way dads been treated is appalling. Even going back as far as the nurses who "looked after" him at the point of diagnosis. I can name two that should have been struck off for what they did. That's from an objective point of view without letting personal feelings get in the way. Let alone the wasted appointments with others. 

So fast forward four months. My dad recovered quite well after they finally agreed to review his medication. He's done really well. Back to chatting and eating and wandering about. He's much better than he was. After four months of begging for treatment to at least TRY to prolong his life they've finally agreed last week. My dad decided enough was enough of us constantly being fobbed off and he demanded himself that they do something to help rather than just filling him up with pain killers. He's having a scan to see how the cancer is progressing and he's being tested to see if he will tolerate anti cancer drugs. But my dad had to get out of his wheel chair walk into the consultants room and beg for that after being kept waiting nearly three hours (they were running late for appointments that day and had forgotten he was coming so he wasn't on the list despite us taking the appointment letter with us!) 

Its a positive step and I'm glad I have something good to write here because it's been a long time coming! And if dad hadn't created a fuss he wouldn't have even been seen that day let alone anything else. We've tried to get him help and we've failed. I've tried to explain to the people dealing with my parents that they're a bit autistic and mum has mental health problems but they continually ignore this and push mum to breaking point, usually when I'm not there to step in. The physio therapist never came back, the nutritionist said its normal to not eat, don't worry?! They forced him to sign a DNR form. All sorts of things. 

I know you'll wonder how I'm doing and I'm ok! My son has just finished his law exams so he's coming home to live very soon and I can't wait! My boy only lives five minutes away and I see him all the time BUT to have him home just knowing he's here until September is so precious and I am looking forward to it so much. My daughter is doing really well with her student nurse training. She's very happy, she's still at home because she's in the hospital near us. My little girls are delightful! Being a bit temperamental at times but there's a lot going on so that could explain it. Plus I bought a computer but could only afford one so they're having to share it and they don't like to! Generally though they're all amazing. I'm looking after myself too as always! Lots of bubble baths, face masks, I fake tan, make an effort as much as possible to wear a nice outfit and at least a little bit of makeup, anything to just make me feel able to face everybody. It's a bit of a front but it does help. Just the routine of moisturising and putting on makeup is a distraction and five minutes for myself. It's almost therapeutic in a way and I don't know how you guys feel but if I feel I look half decent I feel stronger somehow to go out the front door and deal with life. 

we had a lovely family day out recently to the zoo (my eldest two came along too and it was so lovely!) The five of us went for a long walk around the lakes on the weekend. We are just doing what you do and being a family. 

My dad keeps thanking me for everything I do and mum thanks me everyday. They've told me that I make life so much easier for them and they couldn't manage without me. I think in this situation if they can say that to me still after four months we must be doing ok! 

I can feel the hugs and the warmth, and I am sending it right back too. I hope hope hope hope everyone is doing ok and please if anyone new is reading any of my story don't let it affect you in a negative way. Everyone's experience of cancer, treatment, the NHS is different. We have just been unfortunate but it is just one story. There are many others who have had a positive experience and are recovering right now! So just take it for what it is, one persons story. 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi migi welcome back we all just wish it was in better sercomstances it unbelievable how much trouble you've had with the hospital. at least it seems sorted now, , fingers crossed,, it's nice to hear your father is feeling a bit better now, it should have been sorted ages ago, hope you are still looking after yourself as well, good wishes,

Billy 

Welcome back :-)

Hi there!!

Thank you guys. I really hope everyone is ok here. I have missed you. What a roller coaster this "journey" is hey. 

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Hi MiGi

Good to see you back, in a weird sort of way! I’ve been thinking of you and wondering how things were going for you. I’m so sorry about the way your dad has been treated, but am continually amazed by how you deal with everything that’s going on, and how you help others despite your own circumstances. Take care. xxxx