Hi Tracy...

Oh my, I was looking at some of your answers to threads, and realised you've been up through the night .. so read your home page, and was so shocked at how much your dealing with right now, yet still trying to help others .. l dont think you realise just how wonderful you are... 

Your poor dad, and I know our N H S can be wonderful, but he's had a nightmare .. l was on morphine for a while.. and one day unknowingly overdosed ... it was the scariest day of my life .. l had was bring up black bile for 24 hours, like tar .. even sips of water made me sick .. now I'm on minimal dosage ....just when l need really need it ... it still diddnt stop the bad pain ..

Don't forget to look after you too ... if you fall, everything falls... so no mater how hard just do something's for you .. that way you'll stay stronger ... everyone needs a hand to hold ... I'm so glad you've come on here .. you couldn't have better advice then our Dave... think he's really looking after you...he's a wise ol owl... 

Have you tried Marie Currie... they specialise in terminal patents and their carers ... lots have found help and advice there... l was so surprised just how much they do ... they really seem to care ... and I think you need all the help you can get with dad ... go on their home page .. and give them a call ..

Chrissie

Aaaawww Chrissie, what a beautiful message and that's given me a lovely start to my day, thank you! 

Im not sleeping lately and seeing posts in the night where people are struggling with worry kills me. I want to jump out of my phone with a cup of tea and a hug for everyone and I can't. I also want someone to jump out and hug me which I feel like you did. Thank you. My dad told me again yesterday that it's in the night that things get too much for him. He panics and has really dark thoughts. He openly talked about his feelings of considering suicide yesterday that happen at his worst times. My mum was quite upset and it's hard to hear but I can understand and I would feel the same way seeing how he is compared to how he was. Things are worse at night and it's helping me too to be trying to offer some words that might help. It makes me feel like everything we've gone through is for a reason if only to be able to say to someone I know how you feel but really mean it. No body is ever really on their own if we can do that if that makes any sense at all? I'm on my third coffee trying to kick start myself to go and sit with dad for the day so a bit "hyped" maybe!! I've spoken to Macmillan (are they the same as Marie Curie? Or shall I call them too?) I've had support re my finances. Because my parents are both very unwell they've advised me to give up work altogether for now and to claim universal credit with the carers element. But I've just had all of my money stopped. I have to take some documents to the job centre and send some wage slips to the carers department so I'm doing that today. I have also been offered counselling AND so has my son!! I don't feel that I need counselling at the moment and my son has arranged his already through uni but I can also ring them if I need any advice too which is so lovely. I love love love looking after my dad, he keeps saying thank you to me but I've told him to stop, I wish so much this nasty cruel disease did not exist, the things you've been through/are living with, the things I hear, the things I know from seeing  it here. It's not going to break me but it has broken my mum. I am doing what you said and I'm pampering myself. I'm enjoying nice bubble baths, I'd let myself go so now I've swapped my wardrobe around so I can pick out pretty clothes to wear EVERY day now, I'm even taking ten minutes out every morning to put a little bit of make up on. I also bought a heated hair brush so I can just brush through quickly and look nice and I do a face mask now once or twice a week. I love pampering but I didn't bother because it seemed frivolous but it's my me time now and it makes me more able to deal with the world for some reason. I felt sucked under when I scraped my hair back and was in joggers. Now if I have a bit of concealer to hide the black circles and a bit of blusher I feel more on top of it if that makes sense? I also have such beautiful children, I wish I could post a photo! They are picture perfect! I wish I had answers, I can't find any. But being here makes me feel at home and I wish you so much love and hugs for today. Dave is fab! So is starcatone, I am very lucky! Have a lovely lovely day, let me know how you are when you have a chance.

Oh my ... think we must be vertually related  lol ... it's like exactly how I feel .. though I've a few more years on then you ..  l find in reaching out, and vertually making some friends of the people on here, l get as much back as l give ... l feel blessed to have known them .. even if we could all pass on the street and never know it ..

Well there's so many who can only look at the whole picture .. then its overwhelming ... so you carry on treating your self .. I always have "me time" even give in to tears coz that's a safety valve ... and if you can keep your head above the water, later you'll meet others and can help them through .. your right, if we didn't have trauma through our lives, we wouldn't be here now, reaching out ...

I have trouble at nights sometimes too .. think our heads try to make sense of it all .. but if we can stay in the day .. and not look ahead and deal with one problem as and when it happens ... well get there .. your wonderful dad just wants it all to stop .. think I'd be the same .. no one should go through this much ..but it happens and we have to make the best out of a bad situation .. 

My sister is in late stage dementure .. she's turned from the best sis ever, that never swore and took a pride in herself to someone who's always angry .. and tells us to f off ... but l still see my wonderful sister as she was .. her daughter goes every day .. and the carers said to her, that her mum was so lucky to have her there no mater what her mum says .. she said "no I'm the lucky one, to have the best mum in the world"  sounds like you .. think you'd get on well with her .. l think you've both been sent here to be vertual angels to those you love ...

Give Marie Currie a ring.. they are different from McMillan... they help those in your situation .. they can sit through the night .. offer hours to sit if you need to go somewhere .. look on their home page .. well I'm determined to get out today .. I'm going stir crazy, as the weather has been horendious.  So take care .  . Always here if you want a chat ...  another big hug, coz we can never have too many hugs .. chrissie

Hi Tracy, I hope you don’t mind me jumping in here to say I have just been reading your posts and I think you are one of life’s outstanding people...inspirational and wonderfully caring. Helping others when you are going through so much yourself takes a very special kind of person.

I’m glad to see you are pampering yourself and giving yourself some time. You need that in order to be able to cope with the rest of your life. You are clearly very strong and capable, but everyone has their limits so remember to reach out for help for yourself when you need to...so many kind people in this virtual world here who will be happy to support and hug you from afar. xx

Hi [@Minska]‍ 

It's so lovely to hear from you, thank you for such a lovely message, it's cliche but I'm really touched by the kind words you wrote and you can see how gorgeous the people are around me here, I am so lucky! So please jump in and stay!! 

[@Chriss]‍ Youve helped me lots today and [@starcatone]‍ and [@Minska]‍ I woke up to the most lovely messages and you all made me super emotional and so grateful. It was a tough day and I take so much comfort from you guys and just the most lovely way you are. Thank you! 

Im so tired! I might even sleep tonight at this rate! Aaaaawwww girls, how are you all doing tonight? Did everyone have an ok day? Chrissie, did you manage to get out after? Xxxxxxxx

Hi Tracy-happy to stay xx

You have been dealing with really tough stuff in addition to the news of a cancer diagnosis and my heart just breaks for you. I lost my mum to lung cancer almost 3 years ago so I have a little understanding...but did not have to deal with as much as you are dealing with as I lived so far away. I did look after her at home for her last few days however, which enabled her to stay where she wanted to be and I found that really challenging and upsetting. But I never cried, I stayed strong and never once broke down. So I understand where you’re coming from. 

I will keep in touch and am I’m here a lot if you need a friend. I hope you can get some sleep tonight-rest is so important but I know it can be hard when your mind is racing away. Big hugs to you. xxx

Hi tracy ...and yes, I braved the howling wind and rain and blew the cobwebs away ...  and at my age ive gathered a fare few cobwebs .. lol ...

Hope you get a good sleep .. it will really help you .. so sweet dreams .. Will pop by every so often .. so keep this thread going ...  chrissie

Hi. I’m also new to here and this is pretty similar to what I have experienced but with my mum, who has lung cancer also. Was a complete shock when she was diagnosed too. She has recently spent a lot of time in hospital and our experience has been similar to yours. The only thing we did was push to get mum moved to have her own room, once this finally happened after a week or so it as a lot easier to visit. The thing is that they’re so busy so it’s difficult. Sounds like we are in pretty similar situations so if you want to chat properly about stuff let me know. L x  

Hi ya ...

Just popped by to send you one of my (emily) hugs ... I know they are spiecial ... so hope you can feel a vertual arm around you ... l still can't believe the rocky road your on .. it makes the normal cancer rollercoaster look quite tame ... 

Your dad's been badly let down by a system, that should be in place every day .. but as we all know that system is in tatters ... great at times .. mediocre at most times, and a total failure for your dad ... it's no wonder your up most nights, I recon your brain can't relax long ... though it's nice to have your company when I can't sleep too ...

In a way I'm glad they are not giving him treatment as he's been through enough .. and that puts even more strain on the body, esp when he's in pain anyway ..  there's a time to know just holding their hand is all that they need now .. you are deff an angel, and if I'd had a daughter like you, I'd feel the luckiest mum ever ...  always here hun .. take care .. and I'm sending you a massive big hug ... 

Chrissie x