Hi,

I am in my mid 30's and my dad is in his late 50's, I am very close to my dad and he hasn't had the best of times in the past, this is the kind of thing that happens to other people, not us, right?!  Wrong!

At the age of 38 he was medically retired and has to date had 2 hip replacements, 3 shoulder operations, a heart stent, 2 liver stents and has been diagnosed with liver cirrhosis and lung fibrosis.

A few months ago he had some pain in his stomach and he went to the hospital for scans etc, and he started to go yellow, they said one of his tubes to his liver was blocked and had to put a stent in, this lasted about 2 weeks then he had to go back and have another one fitted, touch wood it seems to be working so far.

When they did the first stent they did some scrapings of the liver and surrounding areas, I didn't really understand what it meant, and didn't really think much of it.

In the past when he has had these ailments and operations I have been worried sick as you can imagine, and I just tell myself that he's going to be fine, he's my dad, he's stronger than an ox and stubborn as you like, and he's pulled through every time, I have been quite naive, but that is how I've coped, I am quite a private person and although I am very outgoing when it comes to family stuff I don't talk about it, I don't show emotion around my family as I feel like I should be strong for them.

About 3 weeks ago on a Monday evening I went around to see my parents to find out how his, what I thought routine, visit to the doctors went, they failed to tell me that they were seeing a dr on the cancer ward...I knew something was wrong instantly, but never in a million years thought that he would deliver the news that he did, it hit me like a sack of spanners, I don't remember much from that day, my wife drove my car home, and I was off of work for the rest of the week.

I had to tell my boss about my dad and I had to send an email I couldn't physically say it, and even now I am just lost and feel like i'm in a nightmare.

I can't really explain how I feel, but lost, sad, scared, so many different emotions, I am worried about my mother.

I know there are people that have suffered much worse and have had a parent or both taken at a younger age, so I also feel a little bit guilty about bothering people with my worries.

The letter that my dad received says "likely" and "95% chance" of cancer, it hasn't been 100% confirmed, and although I am praying for a miracle right about now I am also very aware that I need to be realistic.

Today is the day, judgement day, where he sees the oncologist to determine what, where and when, so far they have said it is cancer of the bile duct (terminal), and have scanned for secondaries, but we haven't been told yet if they have found any.

I am struggling some days to come to terms with this, I hope he has years left in him, after losing grandparents and aunts and uncles to various diseases, it's horrible to think that is what it comes down to.

I followed PeeWeeToms on Youtube who documented his struggle with cancer, and he achieved so much in the last few years, sadly he passed a few days ago, and that hit me hard, as well as seeing how quickly it all ended, took a matter of days, if a week to go from one extreme to the other.

One of the worst feelings is not being able to do anything about it, I fix things, but I can't fix my dad.

He is my mentor, my hero and I can't imagine life without him, not being able to call him for a chat or advice about something quite meaningless in the grand scheme of things, hearing his stories about various times of his life, seeing him, hugging him, the Christmas, Birthday and Fathers Day "rituals" these are all of the things and more I take for granted each time I see him that I just can't comprehend not doing, he is such an integrated part of my and everybody's life, and I know he is still here and I feel so lucky to have him still, I just can't help but constantly think of all of the things I will miss and how much my life will change without him in it,

Oh my god this is so hard!  It's taken me a while to write this, how the hell do you cope?!