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My Mum is Dying - What Do I Do Now?

PeteyPopples
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Hi guys,

So my mum is 69 and I'm 42. She has been diagnosed with a massive tumour in her lung that has spread to other organs and especially around the heart. Essentially long story short, she has just been diagnosed and has a few months left. She can barely breath and so can't move about much. 

She is terrified and is so upset about dying before she has seen her grandchildren grow up.

She is also terrified that the grand children will forget her.

I just don't know what to do now? I feel like a little child again. Can't stop feeling so sad and upset and I feel like I should man up and be strong for everyone.

What I want to do is try to help her do things she has always wanted to do but I don't even know how to speak to her about it? How do I say something pathetic like "seeing as you're dying do you fancy going to disneyland" ... sorry, thats my sense of humour. Very sarcastic but how on earth do I start that conversation with her?

Also I guess there must be practical stuff that I am supposed to be talking to her about. Funerals, wills etc but how on earth do I start that conversation?

I also realised today that I don't have a family photo of her with me and my wife and kids. It's going to kill me never to have that photo but once again how can I arrange that. Surely I can't just say that and ask her for a quick selfie with the kids before she dies.

I don't know what I'm asking you guys really. I don't really have any friends to speak of and my wife is so upset about this too as my mum has been like a true mum to her for the last 20 years. 

I dunno. Anyway thanks for listening guys. 

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    Hello PeterPopples; sorry that you are going through this - do I take it you are the only child as you seem to be bearing the whole burden of coping yourself.    From what you have written your mum is very aware that her illness is terminal and she may be finding it difficult to broach the subject of funeral etc herself.  Bite the bullet and talk to her about these difficult subjects; you will probably both feel better (involve your wife as well, she will surelty want to support you).  Ask you mum what she would like to do (I am guessing Disneyland  may not be high on her list!).  Regarding her grandchildren growing up, together you can make a memory book which can include things like photos (don't fight shy of asking for this to be done - this is stuff she obviously feels will be important), letters she has written for her grandchildren to read and anything else that you think would help them to "know" their grandmother.  You will be a lot unhappier if you don't discuss these things for the future and they don't get done.  I am reading that you are all very upset (naturally)  but these are things you would very much regret not doing.  It would be better if you all got together and sorted these things out instead of bearing individual pain and not getting things done.  Don't know if this helps but good luck and best wishes to you and your family.  Annie

  • Offline in reply to Annieliz

    Thanks Annie. Really kind words. Actually brought me to tears to read them. It's amazing to think there are people out there who will take some time to offer you advice. You are very kind.

    I think I will have to broach these subjects with my mum. You're right, I will regret it if I don't. I really like the idea of a memory book. It will probably be really hard to do but important to ensure she feels better knowing she won't be forgotten.

    Thanks again for your kind words and advice.

  • Offline in reply to PeteyPopples

    You are more than welcome.  Do let us know how things go (but only if you would l ike to!).  Annie

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